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Posts Tagged ‘wife’

“Touch” Watercolor/Ink on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae/www.toshfomby.com

I never told you this story. I forgot about it ’til just now. You see, I, folks, have had a small fan base in my little lifetime for unfounded reasons. With that, unfortunately, comes stalkers. At least, I feel like she was skirting that path. But I’m here to tell you from the get-go, I was innocent. My hands never had any remnants of his hair.

Who is he? Well, it’s the fella I worked with and the stalker was his wife. Now, you know me, or maybe you don’t, but I was working that job real good, okay? Truly, I was minding my own business, folks. In the midst of all that working and minding my business, I was, you know, working IT, or at least the wife thought I was. I was just being my own damn self. That’s all I know, right?

Well, Wifey worked on the job with the husband. In a different area but I do declare folks, I thought that changed with her always peeping in and shit. I’d be doing my thing, my back to the door and next thing I know, there she was, like a damn phantom. I wouldn’t even hear her come in, I was working so hard (hehehe!). I’m telling you folks, she may as well had been wearing socks, she was so damn good at easing in that room on me. Could’ve wiped me clean out, you hear me! And you know folks, I’m real aloof at times. I never thought it strange that she spoke to everybody except me. I’m strange, so I’ve been told, so I figure us to be two strange folks, okay? Nothing special.

Any ole how, the other woman who worked with me and Her Husband, we’ll just call him that since that’s what her was, told me one day, “She ain’t coming in here to check on me. It’s you she’s looking at.” I didn’t pay that no nevermind ’cause I wasn’t interested in Her Husband. Besides, I had myself a little beau friend at the time, a half-assed one, mind you, but I thought I had it going on at the time. Plus, I got all indignant in my mind and got to thinking, How the hell is she gonna decide for me who I’m interested in? That I’d even choose Her Husband had I not been wrapped into Half-Assed Beau Friend. The goddamn nerve of her!

I’m trippin’, right? At another time, that same woman who told me Wifey was eyeballing me, added, “She never used to come in here like this before.” As time went on, Her Husband told me, “My wife was coming in the room because of you. She’s insecure and was cheated on by her first husband.” I was like, “Oh and she afraid you’d be wrapped into all this,” and I did a little sexy move. But truly, he wasn’t my type and in my way of thinking, I thought I couldn’t have possibly been his.

I thought of this story recently ’cause this other woman was eyeballing me earlier this month. We were standing in a small group and her husband was talking and naturally, everybody was looking at what he was saying. I mean shit, what else was I supposed to do? Everybody was looking except her, that is. You see, she had on these false lashes heavy with mascara. I felt something akin to a mosquito on my face and I be damn if that woman wasn’t looking at moi, folks.  The bitch was bold too! I got to looking back but in a nice and respectful way, ’cause you know I’m a good southern woman, and that heifer kept looking at me as if to say, I’m watching you, bitch. It was awkward, I’m telling you. I told my sister about it ’cause I didn’t know this woman or her husband. She said, “Dodo (and I’m calling her that ’cause I’m tired of this shit!), was checking you out. She don’t play when it comes to her man. Did me the same way ’til she got used to me.” Like an old pair of socks I guess. But I ain’t trippin’.

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Housewife: a married woman with household responsibilities who is not employed outside the home

Expanded Definition

2) a woman who has the luxury of financially being cared for by someone other than herself; one who jogs/walks every morning with two German Shepherds in city park; shops for fresh produce frequently and has electric car; a vegan who weighs 110 pounds; has been an audience member or panelist on Oprah or Dr. Phil’s Talk Show; most likely a Caucasian female who lives in urban area, craves rice cakes and eats organic peanut butter from jar

3) a woman who can not afford to be at home but keeps quitting jobs; husband has two jobs; one who watches soap operas with a pile of dishes in sink while dipping Oreos in whole milk; loves to phone gossip and watch Housewives Reality Shows; turns husband off sexually because of weight; thinks of running a home daycare but does not want to change diapers or work past five; could be of any nationality or ethnic background

“Cosmo Girl No. 3″ Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

4) a female who is married to someone of the same sex; loves reading mystery and romance novels; pregnant, expecting and married to well-known Hollywood celebrity; loves the attention of being branded celebrity lesbian power couple; a secret cutter; estranged from family and smiles on cue

5) a woman who attends church every Sunday and Bible study every Wednesday; famous for potato salad and three-bean dip; husband travels frequently; has secret crush on pastor even though wife is her best friend; takes classes online to become  home health aide; adept in rubbing tits and ass against pastor during crowded church fundraisers

6) a retiree who travels to exotic places with husband to have threesomes; wears costume jewelry and had tiny role in Broadway show as a teen that she manages to squeeze into every conversation; in heaven when eating Haagen Dazs Ice Cream and Godiva Chocolates; spends frivolously; a staunch Republican who frequently writes letters to Elizabeth from The View

7) an unhappy woman with forlorn gaze who engages in extramarital affairs because she has fallen out of love with husband; looks to latch on to next man to take care of her; provides sex to husband twice per month and lays like corpse while he does his business; frequently complains to friends and family of unhappiness; listens to opera after taking Valium

8) a feminist who works from home; writes books on feminism and gay rights; is perhaps a syndicated columnist who thoroughly enjoys ranting; formerly worked as a state representative but lost bid for congress; controlling in bed; typically has short husband who is balding; smells like Ivory soap and does not shave underarm hair

9) a young bubbly person who went to college to find husband; loves Saturday morning cartoons and wears footie pajamas; has no sense of direction and does not know Egypt is in Africa; typically a young white female from west coast with great tan who is often mistook for girl in toothpaste commercial

10) a woman who has beauty shop in home; has business cards printed from VistaPrint.com that says Fatou Braids; obviously an African woman; speaks with deep voice without ever smiling; often has a child staring from floor at customers; will not do hair if customer breaks 3 appointments (trust me)

11) a woman who pretends she does not need to work; always got attitude; keeps nails done; wears weave and wants to be a Real Housewife; will only use dishwasher to clean dishes to avoid damaging acrylic nails which are always freshly done; goes to every Tyler Perry play and always on front row of any event; sleeps in sitting position for three days after getting weave tightened up from home girl, Shenequa; definitely an African-American female

12) one who has never disillusioned herself that a job was ever her lot in life; loves computer and Facebook, where she has 5,000 friends; posts 30 statuses per day and has an Etsy Shop of overpriced homemade goods; owns a Blackberry and keeps it on person while watching TV and on toilet; texts while cooking or eating dinner; wears stylish joggers for comfort and not remotely familiar with exercise

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"Portrait of Harmony" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

Despite the bitter ending of her third marriage, she cared. Yet, so full up to her neck with anger over this last year with Richard, the fart that pushed out of her ass sounded like a slamming door.

Richard finished off his meal of oats and juice she’d prepared, grabbed the fly swatter and rushed his ass to the living room. So ready, he was, to take his bitching to the streets for spectators’ pleasure.

“Goddamn! You, shitter woman!”

Her deaf ear toward him and immune to her own rottenness, she turned with a smile. “Did you take your vitamins?”

© 2012 Totsymae

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"Musical Abstractions" Watercolor/Ink on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

“Marriage is not about age; it’s about finding the right person.”

Sophia Bush

Leroy’s eyes rolled in the direction of the couch from his chair, honing in on her. His wife, squatted over gathering shit of no importance. He studied her ass that had lost its form, imagining it underneath the terry robe. The very thing he’d fallen in love with, lost. To childbirth, so the story went. ‘Stead of soft pones in the palms of his rough labored hands nowadays, a beefy ass took its place. No tenderness there or in her eyes that turned on him when “Don’t even think I’m spreading tonight,” played like a honeyed melody in his ears.

(c)2012 Totsymae

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"Somebody to Love" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae

The question came up on a news show I was watching and it got me to thinking. Being the morning news show junkie I am, this story grabbed me on account of a question I was asked recently on getting remarried. On the Today Show, Dr. Nancy Snyderman said biologically, monogamy ain’t normal but society requires the structure of monogamy. Hmmm, folks.

You know, so maybe those polygamists got it all figured out. But then, I’d say a woman needs to wed up with more than one man to put everything on even ground. You might already know who I’d wed up with but in case you don’t, Denzel is it. I’d have to add Blair Underwood to that. I could think of more men folk but for word count purposes, I’ll stop it there, considering all the babymaking that I’d have to do, if I were in my 20s, that is. Actually, how much sex could a polyandrist get by popping out babies all the time and you have to think of those monthly cycles, if you don’t get a shot to stop them.

If what Dr. Snyderman says is true, then monogamy is a learned behavior or skill set. Makes sense or no? Wouldn’t an unfaithful person be akin to somebody who overeats or indulges liberally in alcohol? I mean, don’t we have to learn everything we know? Take this certain folk, for instance, who ain’t good in math. Damn, if Folk ain’t gotta write down everything to calculate the simplest shit. So, what does Folk do a time or two on that math test in school? Yes mams and sirs, take out the ole cheat sheet to get  through a test, same as a cheating husband or wife do with another man or woman to get them through a marriage. With that test, Folk either cheated to be successful on passing the test or got caught and screwed up Folk’s credibility. A husband or wife are pretty much the same when they go through a tough period. One, if he/she so desires, either cheats to make it through for that time or, if  successful, the cheater keeps doing it, same as Folk would for a teacher who’s too aloof for those slick ways of cheating. You with me? When I look at it that way, the candle stops flickering and holds a steady light. Folks, y’all probably won’t like this but I’m leaning toward agreeing with the doctor. After all, she’s a doctor, right? She’s waaaaay smarter than me and probably, you too.

I was looking at one of my favorite shows on Tuesday, Hawthorne. Folks, you can’t imagine how pissed off I was at that Hawthorne woman for cheating on that fine doctor husband of hers. I mean, they weren’t married but a good two episodes before she stepped out and I was livid! You feel me? She cheated with a policeman played by Marc Anthony and like I said in another post, he turned me on for a minute with that smart ass mouth. Then later, he got to acting all wimpy and I wasn’t attracted to his character anymore. Plus, he took off his suit jacket and his arms real skinny, which didn’t help him out none. Anyhow, I was so upset, I wanted to turn off my TV but I couldn’t and I was upset about that too.

I know that’s all fiction on the show but it’s real in life too, what those two did. No matter how fine her husband was, she had to have that piece on the side. Maybe that’s why swinging is popular with some couples. Personally, I think that’s nasty, all them naked bodies in one room, laying all over each other but hey, who the hell am I? I’m just a foul mouth blogger who talks shit all day.

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