Ending A Relationship

"Visual Sounds No.1" Mixed Media on Paper. All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.

“Visual Sounds No.1″ Mixed Media on Paper. All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.

On Tuesday of this week, my life will be different, folks. It’s gonna be intellectually stimulating with creative immersion, saving me $120.00 a month. I know. That’s a nice little chunka change. Where is that whopping sum of money coming from, you ask so curiously. Well, I’m finally boycotting cable companies. along with getting rid of my home phone. Nobody calls me on it anyhow. And there are only so many channels that can be watched. Not that I try to watch’em all. Bye-bye Ripoffcablecompanies, hello $1440 a year. That’s how much I’ll be saving.

I spent 45 minutes on the line trying to convince these folk why they were no good for me. That the relationship was over.

“I see where I can get you down to $154.00 a month for the plan you currently have,” says Ripperoffer.

“Yeah, that’s what I started off with and now I’m at $200.00. What you’re offering is temporary. I need something long term that’s gonna benefit me.”

“What channels do you watch now?” probes Ripperoffer.

“I watch Bravo, OWN…I watch’em all.”

“Do you watch sports channels?”

“No.”

“One moment, as I look in my system.”

Honey please, look right on.

“Will $150.00 work for you? What’s comfortable for you?”

“Look, there’s no promotion you can give me long enough or steep enough to retain my services.”

“Oh, so you’re looking for a permanent promotion?” Ripperoffer chuckled.

“Yes,” I said, with a didn’t you know kinda tone.

“Well, we can offer you DirecTV.”

“Yeah. I had them before and they go up after the promotion. Look, I’ll give up TV before I continue paying these prices.”

That brought an end to Ripperoffer trying to swindle me. Now, I realize there’ll be some withdrawal symptoms. Maybe I’ll resort to scratching my belly or walking in circles until I get back to that place I used to be of not watching television. Maybe I’ll get smarter by reading relevant books, writing a Scandal-like TV show, run a tortoise marathon or sail the Pacific on a self-made boat. The possibilities are endless, folks.

What have you gotten rid of that bettered your life and whatnot?

Oprah and Her Disciples

"Oprah" Watercolor on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

“Oprah” Watercolor on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

No, this is not an Oprah-bashing blog post. I, rather, like Oprah. I’m not an Oprah fanatic, however. I’m too practical and level-headed to be fawning over her. I reserve all that for Harry Connick, Jr, Johnny Depp and, well, honestly, Denzel’s kinda fallen off the hot radar for me. I’m not sure why other than to say I’m not interested anymore. The love has gone stale, you might say.

Well, I was sitting here watching Dr. Phil and it got me to thinking about all the folk Oprah’s put on the map for us to follow. You have to admit, Oprah keeps good company. Not with us but us with her. Oprah’s, after all, the modern guru of self-help. And all the folk she’s put on the map wants to help you in some sorta way.

Suze Orman wants you pinch your pennies and squeeze  breakfast juice from them. Dr. Phil wants to rearrange your psyche and sell books by his son’s, Jay’s, publishing company. Iyanla Vanzant will come to your home and fix your life right at your kitchen table. Rachael Ray has the amazing gift of cooking you up a meal and talking your head off at the same time. She’s just amazing, folks. And last, but certainly not least, Dr. Oz will fix your heart and send you into an anxiety attack with his rushed speech and sense of urgency. Doc, I’m really gonna need you to slow down before watching you again, okay?

When you think about it, Oprah is…like…Jesus. She’s got herself a flock and her flock has a flocka folk following them. On Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. You name it. She took Jesus at his word and became fruitful by spreading the good word. I mean, her word must be good to have all these followers…like…Jesus. Verily, verily I say unto you, folks, I reckon if you’re a follower, you’re…ahem…a…worshipper.

I’m not sure how many disciples Oprah has. Probably twelve. I’m not rightly sure. You tell me, okay? And you know what else? All of Oprah’s disciples write books, same as what Jesus’ disciples did.

Look, I’m not here to judge ye, throw stones or anything of that nature. It just so happens that God spake these words unto me to put it out to you, alright?

In Celebration of the Dysfunctional Woman

Eunice

Everyone likes to be celebrated and women folk, March is your month. Or rather, ours. You, I mean, we asked for it, so we’re sure gonna get it. And fair is fair, okay? If you celebrate one woman, you have to celebrate them all. No matter how wretched some are, we must embrace the most brazen and undesirable of women folk to strengthen our sisterhood. Ahem. Cough, cough…

Now, if I may ask you a question. Who portrayed a woman so damaged, yet funny, that we laughed and thought about the lot in our own families? That’s right, Carol Burnett. Eunice was a sad wreck of a woman, with so very little going for herself but if you were like me, you just loved the night the show aired the little family that couldn’t and never would. Mama, played by Vicki Lawrence, ensured that misery remained intact and did a real fine job of it. Poor Ed, the character played by Harvey Korman, was just an unlucky fella who joined misery’s company and there was no escaping the shrieking sound of Eunice. For some reason, I always thought he could’ve been a man of potential had it not been for her…Hmmm, maybe not.

It’s the Best of Times, It’s the Worst of Times

cropped-beatrice-banner.jpg

Hello, Lovelies. I’m beside myself and not because I put on 10 pounds hanging out with Francisco, Francois or whatever his name was. You see, on my way from Jamaica, I swung by Brazil and not by a tree limb, okay? Though, it may as well have been because the seat was so cheap, it was one bumpy ride, people. You don’t want to know what I had to go through to get that seat or what I went through to keep it. Trust moi, Francois will be hearing from my TV lawyer as soon as I dial this 1-800 number.

As you can see, I’m not wearing black to pay tribute to the end of Robin Thicke’s marriage. And I’m not here to joke about this separation. I say separation because they could reunite. I hope so but we know how separations go in Hollywood, don’t we? I’m not sure what disintegrated that relationship but Hollywood is ripe soil for the breakdown of marriages. It’s really sad. So much plastic flesh to be had, you just can’t settle on one tush or bush, alright?  In some cases, marriages do survive. They really do. Clap, clap. 

Gabrielle, as in Union, I really am enjoying Being Mary JaneAfter all these years, you’ve proven to me that you can act. Now, I understand from a reliable source the show’s not doing well, which surprises me. Anything that sustains my attention is usually a hit because I’m one chick on the move, alright? I do hope the show returns for a second season and was glad you decided against turkey basting that stolen sperm. Plus, you’ve got that pre-nup you insist on signing with Dwayne Wade, which I don’t think to be a smart move if you don’t show up after this season. Marriages tend to tense up when one spouse isn’t working, even in Hollywood, okay? Anyway, rah rah to your breakthrough role, as far as I’m concerned. You’re still pretty to me, girlfriend. Just thought I’d throw that in.  Ahem.

Before I depart and leave you drenched in tears, I want to announce that I’m starring in a new comic series here on the blog this summer. Naturally, I’m excited that Totsy’s seen the light of my acting abilities. While she’s run into a creative speed bump, we know this series will start the first day of summer, for 8 weeks. Once a week, that is. Look out for the comic book trailer in the coming weeks. The fall line-up brings you Totsymae Presents, premiering 5 shows. In the meantime, enjoy the best and worst of Hollywood, with me, Beatrice from Apartment 7B. Propping feet on coffee table while dipping Oreo cookie in milk.

Prime Time TV: Archie Bunker on Democrats

If you’re familiar with All in the Family, you know that Archie Bunker  not only made the show, he was the show. He was an amalgamation of many folks, two of them being a racist and male chauvinist. He was so believable in what he stood for that he was one of those TV folk one loved to hate. One thing for sure, he provoked a consciousness of thought about topical subjects that are still relevant  today.

Initially, when I was going for my Masters, my thesis was based on 1970’s shows and the lack of black visibility; how those images, if portrayed as African-American, or Negro at that time, would’ve affected the black psyche or self-image. Turned out, I ended up not mastering in art but in another field. Though, I kinda always wonder how my work would’ve turned out ’cause I still have the paintings I started during my brief stint as an MFA student.

While I won’t exhibit those paintings here (cause they’re in oil and would take awhile still to complete),what I aim to do is take some of those topics, showing Archie in typical form. Here’s one you may have some opinions about.

Guest Hosting The View

Google Image featuring Beatrice from Apt 7B

Google Image featuring Beatrice from Apt 7B

Hello, lovelies. As you can see, I’m on the set of The View and you can also see that I’ve taken the seat of the Head Huncho. Move on Barbs, The Beatrice is in the house. That’s right, I can fill your shoes and take over this joint if necessary.

People, I hope you’re View watchers because I get to have my say come the fall season, when Elizabeth, Joy and Barbara are long gone. I’ll be so glad when they make their final exit. Must I tell you…Of course, I must…that Elizabeth and Whoopi don’t get along. You see, the kitchen is too hot with Whoopi in there and Elizabeth can’t stand it, so she’s headed over to that network of opinionated journalists called Fox News, following in the footsteps of none other than Sarah Palin. You remember her, right? The one who ripped off her state and got a deal with Fox to rant and rave about what she reads in ALL the news magazines. Sarah, you must be exhausted, Sweetie. As for you Elizabeth, I say, go on. I won’t miss you and I’m sure Whoopi will be pleasantly pleased to see the back of you. And one last thing, Sugar. I hope you don’t get it in your mind to run for president. Though it would be quite farcical to see you and Sarah on the same ticket. You both are arrogant enough to do something so idiotic, I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

And Chris – I’m talking Jenner style – What in the world are you doing with a talk show, Hon? Why on earth do you have a  new platform to continue talking about absolutely nothing? You are a silly woman. I can’t be too mad at you though because you are raking in the dough. If I were given a venue to be superficial, I’d most definitely play that up to the fullest and enjoy the ching-ching in my bank account too, girlfriend. You do that.

Well, View ladies, and Whoopi, it’s been nice chatting it up with you. I’m sorry you didn’t get an opportunity to talk. Personally, I think there are too many of you on the show anyway. It should be called The Views of Beatrice. Though, since nothing has been finalized, in the interim, I’d settle for Shut Up, Elizabeth.

Yours Dearly & Truly,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

Oprah’s Giving Who Her Own Reality Show?

“Beatrice Jones” Copyright 2012 Totsymae

So, have you heard or do I need to put out the word, that Oprah’s producing Life with LaToya on OWN. I’m so utterly beside myself, I’m cooling off as I speak in front of Totsy’s window fan. Well, she doesn’t really have one but since a good amount of southern folk do, I thought I’d say it. But to get on with my story.

I’m not sure who I should address about this, so if it appears as if I’m talking to Oprah, you and LaToya, go with it. 

First of all, I’m a gossip columnist, who cooks and solves Hollywood love/disaster mysteries. Now Oprah, wouldn’t I have made a better candidate than LaToya for a reality show? What on earth would the public find so intriguing about LaToya versus moi? You know Michael wouldn’t want her on a reality show. The brothers were already approached about a show before Michael dearly departed us and he said no. 

I, on the other hand, who have no connection to the family, other than getting the scoop, have been vying to get on OWN since its inception. No, I haven’t been watching the network because I’ve been busy and there’s no OWN in this desert where Totsy’s holding me hostage. But still, Opes. I’m good for a show. I give you all the Hollywood juice while whipping the audience up a good meal. I mean, come on Oprah. We’re almost the same size. And look at mine and LaToya’s photo. Visually speaking, who could do more for the camera? Her or moi? 

Courtesy of CNN.COM

And what on God’s green earth could you possibly have to say, LaToya? I’m imagining you texting and tweeting all day about pretty much nothing. Am I hatin’? Why, I most certainly am. It just goes to show, it’s all about who you know in this business. I bet you didn’t even let the phone come to a full ring when you saw Oprah’s name pop up. You certainly couldn’t have been busy, unless you were tweeting or texting, of course.

I need to go now, people. I feel like I’m about to be repetitive in my speech since I feel a serious rant coming on. I’m getting really hot. Plus, I’m so tired of Totsy putting this photo, illustration or whatever you want to call it, of me on this blog with no eyelashes on my left eye. That’s why Oprah picked LaToya over me. She can’t have anyone on her network with eyelashes on one eye. I mean, really. It’s all Totsy’s fault, not paying attention to details. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of my skills or abilities.

This oversight on Oprah’s part calls for a tall glass of lemonade on the veranda in my skinny-dipping suit.