I must be more like a typical woman than I think I am. Didn’t start off that way but I’ve got me some typical woman shit I’ve picked up as each birthday passes and I’m approaching one in a couple months. See, over the past few days, I never told you I’ve been waking up feeling a little sickly – like a sore throat, head and body aching, that sort of thing. Oh, it’s absolute hell that it drags on and got me waiting for it to either come on or just go away.

The way I see it, I figure if I’m gonna be sick with what feels like the flu, not that swine shit but that old school flu, I could stand to lose my appetite and a few pounds that’s hanging on like we’re in love with each other. I ignored it all and on Friday, I got my hair cut in this short sassy style, so if this thing comes to get me, I’ll at least be looking cute from the neck up, while I get back in shape with what I call floor exercises for the rest of me (’cause as much as I hate physical training, I’m gonna sit my ass down as much as possible to work out. Okay). Anyway. Chiiile, I’m laid up feeling all sorry for myself and my thinking started going toward my ultimate mortality. Not that I’ve got a morbid mind and a closet full of black clothes. I don’t. Like anybody else, I’m not hardly looking forward to keeping company with death but this is the route my head started going as I’m laid out and feeling my worse, for all that it’s made me feel to this point.

Now, my mom always told me, “Totsy, keep yourself looking nice when you step out. You never know who you might meet.”  So, if you want to die looking cute and you just happen to be at home, ole Totsy wanna provide you with some simple instructions you need to follow:

• Ensure that your face is exfoliated and moisturized. Don’t even think about those blah days when you don’t feel like washing your ass, combing your hair or brushing your teeth. Bad hair days are no exception. Cut it if you can’t keep it up and for your own sake, if you’re wearing a weave of any sort, keep it tight.  If you don’t do anything else right while you walk this here earth, keep yourself up ‘cause it’s like keeping a clean house. You never know when you might have company come over and I know you don’t want folk talking about your hygiene once you expire from here. I mean really!
• Apply the right kind of moisturizer to your skin type. I don’t care what your complexion is.  If you’re dry or as black folk call it, ashy, it’s not invisible to the eye. I’ve seen it on all colors of folks ‘cause I’m just the type to look for shit that could be wrong with you since I’ve got shit wrong with me. You can spot ash real quick in spots like the feet and ankle area, elbows and the corners of the mouth. If you’re strapped on funds, ain’t nothing like some good ole Vaseline!
• Before you head out of here, you want to be at your ideal weight size or somewhere close in the vicinity. I know you don’t want to expire at home and have to be lifted and the EMS folk need to call in back-up to get your ass on the ambulance. I tell you absolutely no lie. My sister works for a major clinic and for folk over 400 pounds and needing x-rays, they have to refer them to the zoo ‘cause those folk can’t fit in the machines at the clinic. I’m not being mean but it’s a true story, folks.
• Wear something pretty and feminine at all times. If you need to clean up around the house, do so with a swiftness and go wash your body down real good afterward. Put yourself on something pretty and some smell goods around your private areas. I also recommend putting on some earrings, the dangling kind, especially if you’re somewhat popular and made a name for yourself. Your picture might be taken and leaked to the tabloids by some backstabbing friend or relative. You want to be ready for the cameras at all times. You can’t go out looking like a Plain Jane. And by all means, don’t wear your glasses to bring emphasis to your Plain Janeness. Feel your way around the house. Besides, you should know your own place without wearing a second pair of eyes. If you absolutely have to, throw yourself on a little mascara and lipstick to bring yourself out a little bit.  If you’re really, really lucky, you may come out looking like Sarah Palin.
• You want to have your room clean and smelling sweet. I happen to like vanilla scented candles, which are all over the house and my bedroom. You don’t want to be laid up in a dirt-stank room after following the other instructions I’ve given you. Don’t let our good work go in vain.
• And last but not least, practice, practice, practice dramatic facial expressions. Just think about those arguments you get into with that significant other and the time or two he up and left the room. It wasn’t so much about the topic you were arguing about, it was the way you looked when you were cussin’ his ass out. All that prettiness in the wedding photo you took or that we-so-in-love picture you took with him at the local Wal Mart was wiped clean out of his head when you went into that mode of looking the equivalent of The Incredible Hulk, which in his mind is The Incredible Bitch. You just can’t look any ole kinda way when you’re pissed off at that man. Men are physical and pretty will get them every time, even in the midst of your bitching. This is prime time to practice pained expressions, crying, falling down and all that other shit you put that man through.

I know men folk could probably care less about all this here kind of talk  but they’ll soon realize how this will bring more lovin’ to the household after you get some good practice in. And you may be a little taken aback that ole Totsy thinks along these lines but I do. Sure, sometimes I say to hell with it all but I have to ask myself: Does vanity say screw it? Would you invest in Vogue or any other type magazine should the cover photo look the way you woke up this morning? I think the hell not! And just so you know, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, folks. Now I can clearly see why my mom struts around in her house, bathed in Yves St Laurent with heels under her flannel pajamas.

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