"The Divas" Mixed Media on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae

Publicly reveal that she can’t control her bladder after having six children. The mother of the Kardashians did it. Now, all I can think of is that she’s bigger than most women down there and I kinda wonder how’s the sex been in the bedroom for her and Bruce, which makes me a little embarrassed for him (and by the way, doesn’t he look really plastic?)

Publicly scratch herself below the waistline. Yeah, I know men folk do it but it’s more acceptable for them to not give a shit. If a woman does it, she immediately becomes the poster child for being a stank-nasty bitch, starting to border something like a slut and looks as if she’s got a nest of crabs in her underwear but it’s totally okay if a guy is approaching her and she doesn’t wanna be bothered with him. Such defense mechanisms can be useful to ward off bootleg men.

Wear thongs if she’s overweight AND bends over in public for all the world to see. I’m not discriminating on larger sized women but honestly, if a woman absolutely feels as if she needs something like a rope or string to cut her ass in half, it looks much better on a smaller woman. I’m average in size myself and wouldn’t risk my reputation in this manner. Remember, should you option to do this regardless of my good and  practical advice, bad news travels fast. If I happen to be the one, unfortunately, privy to seeing the crack of your ass and I’m feeling a little wicked, I wouldn’t give a second thought to painting you up and exposing you here on this blog.

Pass gas in front of her date or even look as if she’s got an upset stomach within six months of getting to know him. I totally understand that farting and shitting is a natural bodily function but women, in most cases, date for a committed relationship. She simply won’t land this new fella if she starts giving in to Mother Nature. That’s why it’s not a good idea to spend overnight weekends with a guy early on in the relationship. I promise, should you decide you want to go on this romantic get-away of camping in the woods, you will have to shit out the food you’ve been eating at some point. You don’t want to put yourself in the position of being absent too long in the “ladies’ room” or have your eyeballs look as if they’re damn near popping outta their sockets from holding back all of what you’ve digested. Trust me, if after that trip you no longer are hearing from this guy you’ve broken yourself off to, it wasn’t ’cause you weren’t fantastic in bed. Absolutely, you were! Men folk are shallow when it comes to this kinda thing. He simply couldn’t get over that as beautiful as you are, something so foul would come from your body. I know you didn’t think it smelled that awful but believe me, it did!

Act like you’re suddenly watching your weight and not eat all of your food when you’re at a restaurant, knowing you’re tilting the scales already. Acting fake ain’t gonna cut it. The evidence is too visible to start making like you and Jenny Craig are best friends and all. Plus, inflation is dipping into everybody’s pockets. You don’t want to look ungrateful AND  fake. He may think you don’t know the value of a dollar.

Eat chicken, especially barbeque, on the first couple of dates. It ain’t gonna matter how cute you try to look, it just won’t go over well. You’ll fight the urge to go to licking your fingers and Lord help your poor soul should you slip up and stick one in your mouth like you’ve forgotten you’re on a date and start acting like you’re in the comfort of your own kitchen. Now, we both know you were raised better than that but that fella you’re dating ain’t got a clue. Should you make this fatal error, you’ll need to quickly get that hump outta your back and remove the chicken bone outta your mouth. Once he drops you off at the doorstep of your home, you’ll need to walk swiftly into the darkness of your closet, repent and pray to God that you even get the invite for a camping trip.

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