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Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

The Reality of the Situation

Posted in Introducing Totsy, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2013 | 14 Comments »

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

I’m not sure about you but I miss me being here. Totsy is a character that I’m rather stuck with, unfortunately. Therefore, when she mentioned the possibility of sinking this ship, I was not a happy camper. Who can I dish the Hollywood dirt to otherwise?

Though, I regret to inform you that I don’t have much juice to spill your way at present. The thing of it is, I thought I was well on my way to getting my own reality show but this guy I met sunk that boat as soon as it unanchored. There are truly some money snatchers in the world and I must get out of their midst.

Now, I did have a rare opportunity to speak with the porn-turned-reality-diva herself. Kim, as in Kardashian, okay? We could’ve been best buddies and sleeping together had I been a black guy but, well, I don’t know. Maybe if Kanye had told her to sleep with me, and I wasn’t a straight woman of the Lord, I would have. I mean, everybody’s doing everything now, so there you go.

People, I am aware that Kimmy may not be well received here, as some of you aren’t into the reality scene as I am. I, however, must be in the know regarding all things Hollywood and sometimes, in the hood, if that’s where the action is, okay?

I do want to turn your attention to a new show called Married to Medicine and if you catch a glimpse of this show, I do believe you will conclude as I have, that these doctors are married to mess. Let’s be really real about that. And now that I’m getting into my gossip groove, I need to put it out there that Kenya, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is truly psychotic to the 3rd, no, the 5th power.

KimK

Photo Enhancement by Totsymae 2013

Kenya, Apollo was never trying to sleep with you, Girlfriend. He was trying to get with me. And so was Peter. And Greg. And Todd. And the guy you called gay because he wouldn’t sleep with you…Well, he’s my man now and he can tow my truck anytime, okay?

And Portia. Dear darling, Portia. I felt so embarassed for you tonight. I thought you would never find the period to end your rambling. I so thought that long speech of yours should’ve been directed toward your husband, who IS controlling and I’m sure if he’d seen me, as the other fellas, he woud’ve been trying to sleep with me too.

Two snaps and a bag of popcorn, people. Beatrice is back!

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Ways to Increase Your Income in a Tight Economy

Posted in Totsy's Sweets, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2013 | 35 Comments »

"Halle" Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013. Totsymae.

“Halle” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013. Totsymae.

Become a surrogate mother. Even if you tied and burned your tubes, this can be accomplished if you’ve got a sales background with a sweet as pie disposition. All you have to do is convince somebody else to have the baby. Make sure you have business cards and a nice letterhead to sell yourself. Wear a suit but not a gray or black one. Try neutral?colors, like?a soft beige and nothing tight-fitting, please.?Sorry men folk, this is a woman type business.

Sell windshield wipers. This is a very overlooked opportunity, folks. Who the hell thinks about replacing windshield wipers until they’re needed? You can grab lotsa business on a Saturday at your local WalMart. However, don’t go to any African-American owned beauty salon where you’ll also see a parking lot fulla cars ’cause all the money’s going toward hair weaves and laced wigs. Just giving you the heads up beforehand. Okay?

Become a junk mail “get-rid of” business owner. I guarantee you nobody else is doing this as a business. Just think of the time you can save other folk. And it’s recession-proof! Imagine the repeat customers you’ll have with all the shit folk get in the mail everyday. You’ll also be able to make money on the back end by recycling the junk mail.? I promise you can make a stash of cash right in your own neighborhood.

Make unfamous folks famous. If reality TV can do it, why can’t you? Start an online rag magazine. Start with your friends and family. Take photos and tell all their business. You don’t want to take regular ole photos of regular ole folks, however. You’ve gotta catch them when they think they’re looking hot. Nobody wants to read about plain folk doing their laundry or other such nothings. Have interviews and guest spots called Famous Nobodys and I guarantee you that everybody will think they’re somebody, same as reality TV. Now, I can’t promise you won’t get yourself sued. It is a high-risk business but damn worth the effort if you can make it work.

Start a professional kissing school. You can quit your day job with this one. Now, I’ve never heard anybody say they’re a bad kisser. That just doesn’t happen. Though, folk know they can’t be all that good at it when they see their partner wet around the mouth afterwards. I don’t know how that happens but it does. Some folk need help. If you’re more like a licker than a kisser, you can’t be the one opening up this here school. Okay? Your ass gonna need to enroll in some recurring sessions so you can get this down to a science. Alright?

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This and That Chit Chat

Posted in Totsy's Sweets, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2012 | 39 Comments »

"Lunch with the Girls" Art and Cover Design by Totsymae Copyright 2012

“Lunch with the Girls” Art and Cover Design by Totsymae Copyright 2012

Hope you folks enjoyed your holiday. Hope you had a happy whatever it is you celebrate. Or if you don’t do that sorta thing, hope all’s good and well with you. I had a fine time myself. Been working on getting my eBook published and man, is it work! It’s all good though. The image above is one of the stories in my book. I have 100 flash pieces in the book but no, I won’t be painting 100 pictures to go inside. No can do.

I was over here deliberating myself, like I often do, and I’ve discovered that I’ve developed an addiction that I’m none too pleased about. Folks, I am addicted to reality TV. Those shows are like Lays Potato Chips, you see. One of two won’t be enough. I think I’m up to five of them now. However, it’s not my fault. It’s this little circle of folks around me that got me into it ’cause I really don’t have addictive characteristics. At least, that’s what I’ve been claiming for years. And I’m not in denial ’cause I won’t tell you I can quit anytime I want on account of me not wanting to just yet. Sometimes you just don’t wanna do shit about such habits and that’s where I am right now. If I told you otherwise, I’d be a liar and since I have a conscience and making strides to live consciously, I won’t be lying and whatnot to you.

So folks, I’m about to consciously scan these networks to see if there’s a reality show marathon on while I paint a coupla more pieces to go in my book. I’ll check on you good folks after the New Year. Be safe and Happy New Year.

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Too Legit to Quit

Posted in Beatrice from Apt 7B, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2012 | 19 Comments »

Rosie, O’Donnell that is, is like The Terminator, people. She won’t quit and she’s back on the air with a new talk show, co-hosting with NeNe, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I hope she doesn’t screw it up this time. Not that I’m crazy about you Rosie but you’re okay in a way like dessert. You’re good until I can no longer snap my pants together. In other words, you can be too much sometimes but I’m tuning in to see who you’re ranting on.

Today, she and NeNe were hosting Anderson Cooper’s show since he’s in the middle east, and made the big announcement. I’m not one to be in people’s business, no more than my job as a National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent (NHGC) allows me to be but I’m a tad curious about what happened with Oprah and Rosie. I’ve gotten word on the street but I want to hear it from one of the horses mouths. Know what I mean? We won’t harp on that sour note, however.

I do want you to boycott that reality show with Bobbie Christina and her aunt. I’m so off-put with it, I won’t even put a link here. I can’t recall the name of it exactly. Something about being on their own. A few weeks ago, I caught snatches of it and that aunt…Whitney’s manager and sister-in-law, is a slithering snake. Do you realize they were filming for that show three months after Whitney was laid to rest? And she, the aunt, has the audacity to say Bobbie Christina is still grieving and she’s concerned. Oh, really?

Now, you know Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber broke up, right? As if we were really expecting to see her walking with a train down the aisle. I mean, really. Very few relationships last in Hollywood, or on Main Street, for that matter. But it is official that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. They are in love, people. You can’t fight love, is all I’ll say on that but we’ll see.

And people, did you see Hammer get his groove on at 50 ontstage? He’s been through a financial war zone and is still too legit to quit.

That’s a wrap, people. I’m online shopping for my dress to wear to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. I do believe that marriage will last and am ever so happy for her. I don’t have a wedding date set for the Bradgelinas. They keep toying with the media about marriage but as it stands to date, they’re still shacking up.

Love,

Beatrice from Apt 7B

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Oprah’s Giving Who Her Own Reality Show?

Posted in Beatrice from Apt 7B, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 | 36 Comments »

“Beatrice Jones” Copyright 2012 Totsymae

So, have you heard or do I need to put out the word, that Oprah’s producing Life with LaToya on OWN. I’m so utterly beside myself, I’m cooling off as I speak in front of Totsy’s window fan. Well, she doesn’t really have one but since a good amount of southern folk do, I thought I’d say it. But to get on with my story.

I’m not sure who I should address about this, so if it appears as if I’m talking to Oprah, you and LaToya, go with it. 

First of all, I’m a gossip columnist, who cooks and solves Hollywood love/disaster mysteries. Now Oprah, wouldn’t I have made a better candidate than LaToya for a reality show? What on earth would the public find so intriguing about LaToya versus moi? You know Michael wouldn’t want her on a reality show. The brothers were already approached about a show before Michael dearly departed us and he said no. 

I, on the other hand, who have no connection to the family, other than getting the scoop, have been vying to get on OWN since its inception. No, I haven’t been watching the network because I’ve been busy and there’s no OWN in this desert where Totsy’s holding me hostage. But still, Opes. I’m good for a show. I give you all the Hollywood juice while whipping the audience up a good meal. I mean, come on Oprah. We’re almost the same size. And look at mine and LaToya’s photo. Visually speaking, who could do more for the camera? Her or moi? 

Courtesy of CNN.COM

And what on God’s green earth could you possibly have to say, LaToya? I’m imagining you texting and tweeting all day about pretty much nothing. Am I hatin’? Why, I most certainly am. It just goes to show, it’s all about who you know in this business. I bet you didn’t even let the phone come to a full ring when you saw Oprah’s name pop up. You certainly couldn’t have been busy, unless you were tweeting or texting, of course.

I need to go now, people. I feel like I’m about to be repetitive in my speech since I feel a serious rant coming on. I’m getting really hot. Plus, I’m so tired of Totsy putting this photo, illustration or whatever you want to call it, of me on this blog with no eyelashes on my left eye. That’s why Oprah picked LaToya over me. She can’t have anyone on her network with eyelashes on one eye. I mean, really. It’s all Totsy’s fault, not paying attention to details. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of my skills or abilities.

This oversight on Oprah’s part calls for a tall glass of lemonade on the veranda in my skinny-dipping suit.

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Finally, My Own Reality Show

Posted in Hot Off the Press, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2012 | 41 Comments »

”I am always doing things I can’t do, that’s how I get to do them.”

Pablo Picasso

There are three reasons for this post. First, is the message of positive light, as you’ve read the quote by Pablo Picasso. Secondly, I’m launching my new website. I wish I could say I had a book or two I could interest you in there but I don’t. Lastly, Beatrice from Apartment 7B is back. Little Totsy gave me the idea to let her hang out over there on the homepage, so you can get better acquainted with her. As last week, she’ll show up here from time to time but she’s high maintenance and I can’t promise you how often that’ll be.

See, Beatrice is my reality star. Remember me telling you that watching reality TV was like me doing homework? Well, Beatrice is the result of my homework. I also wanted to integrate my writing with my art outside of what I do on my blog. I have several scripts I’ve written and will soon be done with my first couple of episodes. Like Picasso, I’m doing something I really can’t do. Composing a comic strip is totally new and something I always wanted to do and I’m working on it as you read.

The second purpose of this post is to introduce my website. Over at the other place is a gallery of all the artwork, some of which you’ve seen on this blog. Periodically, I may post new work here, depending on the topic. Otherwise, the website over yonder will house the latest studio works and, eventually, my writing, as in published stuff, as well. For art, last year, I was able to point folks to Thelma Harris Art Gallery. That’s out there in Oakland, California. There’s another gallery in Riverside, California that houses originals of my work but I need to follow up with them when opportunity permits. Do take a look-see around my little place to check out what’s going on. I serve virtual organic, gluten-free cookies and sorbet sundaes and play music in the galleries, so make yourself feel right at home. At some point, I’ll have a gallery button on the side bar for you to click to visit at your convenience.

Well folks, until next time…

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What I Discovered This Year

Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2011 | 45 Comments »

Dark Chocolate Sorbet. This is a very recent discovery, folks. Imagine my chagrin when I had to make the final call to end my affair with ice cream earlier this year. I was like, “Lord, I ain’t gonna make it!” Typically, I don’t care for dark chocolate but Cioa Bella Sorbet saved me! It’s an addition to my new menu and satisfies sweet carvings in a natural and healthy fashion. I’m making my way to the market to get more today and I know this sounds sick but I’m excited!

Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae

Exercise. I hate it. I’ve got other shit on my plate but my plate is no good if I don’t exercise. I use(d) Rodney Yee’s Yoga for Beginners,  Total Body Cardio and Walk at Home videos, in combination with walking/jogging in the neighborhood to establish my fitness program. Let me also let you in on a little secret, folks. I’ve had all of these CDs sitting around in my house for about four years and finally got around to opening up the darn package to use them. Ain’t that a trip?!

SheWrites. This is an online community of women writers at all levels. I remember wanting to reconnect with writers after months of not being able to attend my writers’ critique meetings anymore. I discovered SheWrites and credit the women there with me putting my writing cap back on.

Blogging. After a very stressful time, mid-year, I wanted to know what the big deal about this blogging thing was ’cause a lot of the writers on SheWrites was doing it. I had no direction, other than just knowing I had a lotta shit to say. Having found my voice through my local writers’ critique group, I decided to blog the way I wrote, pretty much. I still haven’t defined what the blog’s direction is, other than a collage of everything I am. Bear with me, please.

Character Sketches. I learned to redirect my thinking about the folk whom I’ve met in my life as creative forces in my art and writing. No, I wouldn’t want to be among some of them again and I’d wish them upon none of you. I’m sure you’ve met some interesting characters of your own. I was also challenged to try different ways to create artistically and whatever feelings I held for them, I need to send a shout out for the time spent knowing them, good or bad.

Cat Phobia. I’m over it. I’ve had one in my house over the last 5 months, so I ain’t scared of cats no more. Understand that I didn’t grow up around animals unless I was being chased by a dog, which I ain’t too fond of either. This fear of cats pouncing on me is now a thing of the past. Free at last, folks!

Hibiscus Tea. Never one to drink coffee (unless I was desperately cold & that being my only option), tea has been my thing. Over the years, I’ve tried a good number of herbals and this year it was hibiscus. Mostly, I drink it unsweetened. If I do get the urge to take the little bitterness out, I use an organic maple syrup. Only takes a little and it’s delish, y’all. A very relaxing drink when I’m stressed.

Reality TV. I know. Some of you don’t respect the programming but I ain’t mad at any of them. I won’t even lie to you. I might cut a fool for the right price myself. Besides, just like business folk have websites to promote themselves, reality TV is the new business card and I’m studying up on this trend in order to develop my own sense of creativity. My current favorites, as I’ve told you about before, are Braxton Family Values and Basketball Wives.

Taiwan. The folk there are so very kind. I could walk the streets to a 7 Eleven at one in the morning and never fear being accosted. I walked a lot there and enjoyed my brief interactions with the folk. There’s very little cultural diversity there and the folk are so willing to help a non-native. I’m telling you, I’ve never been met with such generous reception, for which I’m deeply thankful. Now, you may be asking yourself, “However did a country girl like Totsy adjust in Taiwan?” Folks, I did for the short time I was there. Found me some good eating restaurants and walked everywhere. Even went shopping on foot. Glad when I got back to the states though. I can’t rightly disclose all the whys now but maybe some time in the near future. I will say that little taste back into another world encourages me to continue exploring other countries.

Seoul, Korea Airport. Took me a nice nap in the airport where I laid over for some hours. It was empty there at 12 in the a.m. By 8 in the morning, it was bright and lit with folk as if they’d been there all along. I’d never seen an empty airport in all my days. Anyhow, that’s where I bought a lotta trinkets for folk back in the U.S. They were nice folk too but I suppose they would be since I was buying stuff. I’ve had funky customer service in my home country, so it was nice to be treated like Oprah as I looked for deals.

Flash Fiction. I had absolutely no idea what this was. I read a few pieces and then tried my hand at it. I loved it. In my off-blogging time, writing flash has become a way to get me up and going. I now have a small collection I hope to one day publish.

Of course, I learned other stuff too but for time sake, I’ll stop here.  I hope you’ve collected good returns in your own discovery/learning bank this year. Maybe you wouldn’t mind sharing. I won’t judge you and I’m a pretty good listener. (wink, wink y’all)

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, folks!

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What I Won’t Do in 2012

Posted in Holiday Stuff, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2011 | 70 Comments »

Watercolor Ink on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae.

I’m taking the idea of what I won’t do in 2012 from my virtual partner in crime, Linda Medrano of,  The Good, The Bad, The Worse.

Now, as you well know, setting standards for yourself is a good way to evolve into something you ain’t already. I’m all about trying to improve myself and here’s how I’m gonna go about it in the new year:

I won’t stop watching reality TV’s, Basketball Wives or Braxton Family Values. I like these shows and I readily admit, there are some folks in Hollywood whose business I wanna be all up and in there with. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind finding another reality show I could tune in to. I have a vested interest in these shows and while I know it’s a shame, I’m cool with it. I don’t know about you but my glass is half full. One day, something positive will evolve from my watching  constant bitching and cat fights.

I won’t keep calling my neighbor across the street Mary and wonder if she ever gets visitors. Besides, I don’t know what her name is and long as she’s being a good citizen, it ain’t none of my business what’s going on at her place. What I will do is say nevermind to myself when she gets to giggling loud with that dog of hers and get my ass a life so I can leave hers alone.

I won’t call my next door neighbor Charlie anymore. He told me his name is Ronald. Who am I to make him out to who I want him to be? I need to sit my ass down somewhere and stop picking on folks during idle time. I aim to do just that, I promise but forgive me if I backslide. I’m only human.

I won’t watch any Lifetime movie past 10 pm. The later it gets, the crazier those women become. As much shit as I talk, those women scare me.

I won’t think no more about how many folk are gonna show up to my funeral. It’s not like I know when it’ll happen or that I can do something about what the numbers will be like anyhow. Plus, it’s shallow and narcissistic for me to think that way. I don’t know when that became so important to me  but I’m gonna erase that thought from my head and stop thinking who I would or wouldn’t want there.

I won’t keep wondering why every time my family plans a get together, there’s major chaos over small shit like food. I need to respect the fact that they’re tightly wound into their dysfunctionalities and sometimes I could swear I was randomly dropped off in the family until I get to letting dumb shit take over my mind too. From now on, I shall remember that most of the discord is on account of it being a bunch of women folk trying to run shit and the common ground of bitching is actually the super glue that’s holding the family unit together.

I won’t stick a pin in my shirt to cover my cleavage in 2012. That’s tacky and showing a little cleavage is one of my best assets. I need to remember that blouses made in China tend to highlight that part of my body. It’s not me. It’s them.

I won’t eat anymore cheese. I’m lactose intolerant. After eating this forbidden food, I feel pretty miserable and I’m tired of feeling that way. Besides, cheese has always smelled like butt to me and I don’t have an affinity to eating ass.

Lastly, I won’t covet Denzel in my mind anymore. He’s a married man and I respect the institution of marriage. If it ever got a little rocky for he and Wifey, just know that I would be there for him. I’m nice and considerate that way. Everybody, with the exception of folk who don’t like me, always say that and I didn’t have to pay them off to say it.

Now, I know you’ve had your fill of to-do lists but what will you not do next year?

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“Reality” Sucks

Posted in Everyday Shit, The Fame Game, Woman in the Mirror, tagged , , , , , , , on August 26, 2011 | 45 Comments »

"Rockin' the Boat" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae

Folks, for someone who typically don’t engage in the reality show shenanigans, and ultimately get caught up, well, they get pissed off. Who are they, you ask. With great reluctance, I raise my right hand to confess, that would be me. I’ve been trying to keep that reality about myself in the closet but it’s been eating at me and I could use a bit of help.

That one and only reality show I’ve put committed time to is Basketball Wives. See, in making this confession to y’all, I had to confront some startling realities about myself. That is, folks, if I were somewhat popular in internet circles, this piece of writing would promote a show that I hate to love watching. And for my own sake, I readily admit, that if this particular post puts the digital radar on me for loathing the glorification of suppose-be-real TV, I would strike a pose for the paparazzi with those Basketball Wives come rain, sleet or snow. Just tell me where to be and I’m there with Christmas lights on, baby. I ain’t playing.

See folks, reality TV ain’t about fifteen fabulous moments in the spotlight. It’s about getting noticed. Period. And you gotta do crazy shit to keep your name out there. I just gotta deliberate on just far I’m willing to go before I step my ass out there. I was telling Little Totsy I was gonna do a vlog and how I was gonna set it up and all and the child told me, “Mommy, pleeeease,” so I’m plotting an alternate plan. Now, I thought of sending my cover work to Women’s Wear Daily Magazine and Vanity but I don’t think they’d be all that interested since it’s been done before.

That week the big fight ensued on Basketball Wives, you would’ve been utterly embarrassed to see me trying to make sure I hadn’t missed seeing those women folk make a spectacle of themselves. To give you insight on how much I was immersed in the propaganda, I was watching previews from the previous week and thought I had missed the show when this big fight took place. Immediately, I got on the computer and “liked” Basketball Wives on Facebook in order to make a self-righteous comment and see the fight I thought I’d missed.

Shit, turned out I hadn’t missed it after all and I didn’t spoil it by clicking the video to see the fight. I waited patiently, like one would want to watch a movie with a good plot unfold. I wanted to hear dialogue of she-said-she-said stupid shit so I could make an intellectual assessment of sensationalized television that demoralizes African American women from my freaking ivory tower. Yes, I did. See, this shit all started with me passing through the den to get to the kitchen, which was wrong in and of itself ’cause my ass shouldn’t have been eating at no 9 o’ damn clock at night. Those loud heifers started grabbing my attention and next thing you know, I’m tuning into the shit like clockwork.

Folks, I so want to be better (pounding the kitchen table) but I’ve been re-programmed to feeling a sense of enjoyment at watching a reality show that’s everything but reality, on some level anyway. The thing with that is, some of it is real ’cause like us, they’re real folks and the one woman who took quite a licking in that fight is suing the licker.

Hmph, I really fault my mother for this affinity I have to a show like this. I mean, if I’d never been immersed in the world of wrestling way back when, going to see live matches and all, I wouldn’t be addicted to that show. This is one flaw I refuse to take responsibility for. In the meantime, while the show’s had its season finale and no other reality shows have appealed to me, I’ll be able to pull myself from the abyss of reality TV.

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