My Illustrious Fascination with Stupidity

In real life, I’m kinda serious. I can be on the silly side, and on another side, I can be like, whatever. I think, and of course I’ve given this serious, meditative thought, but I believe I’ve a fascination with stupidity. Now, I don’t do silly things like breathe heavily into the phone to my exes, mow the lawn in a bikini or none of that. It’s been a thought but time should be cherished and not wasted, which doesn’t match up with my gravitation to reality TV.

Yesterday, my sister was telling me the show Oprah produces on her network, Iyanla Fix My Life, is looking for folks to fix. Once upon a time ago, I was cool with this concept but on the serious side, I told her I’d have to be paid to air my dirty laundry; i.e. a reality show. Nobody’s getting all up and inside of my business for free, know what I’m saying? I also told her any issues I felt I had, I’m gonna go use my insurance to get worked on. If that’s not logical, you tell me what is, okay?

I, folks, feel like if anybody’s gonna profit off my issues, it should be me. If my issue is what’s making the show, that means I’m the star, however foolish I’ve been but I should be handsomely compensated to keep somebody else’s business profitable. Now, I will say, I like that show, as I do Dr. Phil. Having been a dedicated follower, I’m problem-free, other than the fact that I watch reality TV. It’s a bittersweet dilemma and I wonder if they’d encourage me to stop watching them.

Now, believe it or not, folk tell me, “Totsy, you’re so smart,” and I’ll think, Yeah, right. In the times we’re in now, along with my reality, smart has little to do with opening a book but rather, if you can get on TV and catapult your success beyond a yearly raise. It’s not sitting in a cubicle and working overtime, which you only see half of. Or going to work when you’re sick ’cause these days, your job is dangled over your head like a bouquet of Hershey’s Kisses. Uh uh, folks, it’s all about finding your inner fool and acting on it, which my dear folks, I’m giving serious thought to.

 

Freshly Fabulous

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Good day, people. I’m here on the beach because I had a photo shoot, which I wanted to share. While some of you are working, and do count your blessings that you’re able, I’m going to enjoy kicking up sand for you and me, okay? I don’t mind at all. Anything leisure I can do on your behalf, put it in the comment box below.

After leaving the beach, I have a shopping appointment with my stylist. That would be Totsy (rolling eyes). My agent, you know, the one I got off Craig’s List, has booked me for an audition on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am way past prepared to act a fool. You hear me? I’d be a Real Housewife any day than be Tori Spelling.

Tori, you’re going through some really awful stuff! I feel sorry for you and I NEVER feel sorry for rich people. Girl, you are so miserable in your marriage. In your life. However will you resolve this? I hope that show you and Jenny Garth have coming this summer is a success. That would be a good distraction for you. You NEED a distraction. Plus, I really like Jenny. Now, what I’d like to ask, Tori, because I’m quite perplexed…That time you were being filmed by the paparazzi and you were yelling for them to get the cameras off of you, what’s up with that? Can you spell reality show?

Yes, Dean cheated on you. It happens to a lot of women, girl. You, unfortunately, weren’t exempt from a husband’s infidelity. Now, my sources tell me the two of you got together while he was married to his former wife, which confuses me even more. What went around recycled back to you. Stop it with all of this devastation on the TV screen. What I feel sorry for is that you don’t get what I get and I don’t think you ever will.

Verily, verily I say unto you, people, don’t give what you can’t take. As always, I have enjoyed our visitation but I must, as we say in the south, get the mule out of the corn. While I look ravishing in this swimwear, it is crawling into some undesirable places all on its own, okay?

 

Divaliciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Diamond in the Blogging Rough

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Dear beloveds, I’m slowly and most surely, building my reputation of being the juicy girl with the juice. Keep hanging with The Bea and thou shalt never thirst for gossip. Drink from my cup and be quenched, okay? Snap, snap, split. OUCH!

I, people, am so fabulous, I’m going to be a contributing writer for  The Single Sexy Mommy. While I’m not a Mommy, I am sexy but I don’t have to tell you twice. You’ve seen the pictures, people. Need I post more photos to jog the fog of your memory? I didn’t think so. Plus, I don’t want a traffic jam to crash Totsy’s little site. 

Yes, people, a star has been born. My mouth will perhaps be worn from digging and scooping the dirt. You feel me? I shall probably die wrapped in tabloids, okay?  Snip, sew, snap, baby. Just keep me beautiful. Naturally, I shall keep you in the know. At present, I’m sending OWN an audition tape for my own reality show on men over 4o who wear jerseys and sagging pants. It’s going to be called What’s Up With That? Hey, if hoarders can get on TV with all that trash, certainly I can be a commentator for a topic as this.

In the meantime, toodles  to your noodles and blessed is the wretched. Just thought I’d throw that in since I went to church today via satellite TV, okay? Wide brimmed hat and all, I did that without the gas company ripping me off. The Bea is all about saving a dollar but you shall never holler at me from aisle three of a thrift store, okay?

So people, be sweet while I hit the street to bring you more of the latest.

 

 

Fabulously & Fantastically Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

Ring, Ring…It’s Beatrice from Apartment 7B, People

beatrice on phone

“Beatrice in Action” Color pencil on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.

It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?

Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.

People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.

Forever yours and Denzel’s,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Useless Skills but I’m Really Good At It

"Orange Hair" Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Orange Hair” Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Talking on the Phone – Some folk do it for a living and are really good at it. I did it for  spell and interestingly enough, I don’t like talking to folk that way. Folk can be really hard on the ear. I was talking to this lady once and she just started screaming and giving me the business. Musta been the devil that got up inside of her ’cause I can’t explain it otherwise. It’s interesting how folk who need help go about trying to get it. They’re rude, obnoxious and unprepared to fully handle business. They’re also sorta clueless as to what can happen when they lose it. Know what I mean? I can, however, talk a great deal about Reality TV. At least, the ones I watch. You’d be proud to know I’ve dropped two from my list.

Getting on the Telemarketers’ List – Somebody from the Seniors Kit just rang me up. I don’t know what they wanted but obviously nothing since the phone only rang three times. I’m not a senior and ain’t trying to rush to be one but I do wonder what they wanted. I was thinking it really meant Senior Kitchen, where they want me to feed seniors or something of that nature. I’m sure they’ll call back tomorrow since I’m on speed dial. And oh, I’m always winning some kinda vacation but I’ve yet to see a plane ticket to get me there. I’m so tired of these resort places teasing me ’cause I could really use a nice chill spot. It would be nice if I could speak to a live person about that.

Envying My Neighbor’s Yard – There’s a woman over my way who spends the better part of her life in her yard. I don’t know why sometimes ’cause I can’t see what needs to be done. Sometimes, she rolls around the grass with her dog and kiss it…Well, not quite like I just put it but they’re chummier than a dog and a human should be. Maybe not but I want her yard on my side. I wonder if she’d find herself lost at some point and get over here and do my yard, minus the dog and rolling around and kissing.

Born Again Via Oprah’s Network

"Red Lady" Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Red Lady” Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

I was gonna share a really embarrassing secret with you but I chickened out.  Like some of you, I’ve had some real quirky stuff to happen that I could write a comic book about my life. Some of it wasn’t funny at all when it happened, of course. Hindsight can be 20/20 with a shot of laughing gas. Know what I mean? But on to why I want your attention this fine day, folks…

I’ve been tuning in to Oprah’s Network and I think you’d be proud to know that I’ve grown up a lot since three weeks ago. Now, I fully understand myself better than I thought I did. That being said, I also understand you better too. I know. A few mere self-help programs is so not as deep as you are. Matter of fact, you’re the quintessential of whatever you think you are. Or something very close to it. I’m not here to say you’re not. Judge ye not…Judge not, want not…Forget it, okay? I’m sure you get my drift.

Anyhow. As a result of my newfound life, I now wear beads around my neck and chew grass viciously as I walk around barefoot with a  macramé anklet on. I have a wardrobe of paisley dresses in the layaway. I haven’t announced my newfound life to anybody other than you. Sorta how they do it on reality TV, which I’m still a profound fan of.

I know. I’m supposed to be born again but you can’t expect me to give up everything. And remember, judge me not and I shall refrain from putting you in the headlock.

In hopeful conclusion to this new me and a better way of me seeing you, may the force of whatever makes you feel good keep making you feel as such. If you see a woman selling carnations as you exit the highway, it ain’t me.

He’s Just Not Into You…Anymore

"Beatrice in Red Bikini" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Beatrice in Red Bikini” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

It’s a beautiful day in Beatricehood and I’m enjoying this cool, spring evening, doing what I love. That’s right. Chewing the absolute fat. Okay? I’ve only two scoops for you today, people. I must make my presence and the juicyness of Hollywood known, while keeping my C&S status. That simply means cute and sexy, people. Stay abreast of the lingo and you’ll live a long and diva-filled life.

Now, I know a lot of you don’t care for Kim Kardashian. I need you to start, okay? Word coming through the vine is Kanye, her future baby daddy, is spending waaaaay too much time in Paris. You well know it’s the city for lovers. Kimmy is in the U.S. and not getting her bell rung. Meanwhile, Kanye, people (and Kim, if you’re listening), is spending a great deal of time there while she’s miserably pregnant. I do feel terrible for the baby but she/he will be able to buy all the help needed to fix whatever problems he/she may have. I know. It sounds unkind but the hard truth is rarely pleasant. Kanye is involved, Kim. I won’t go any further on who because I’m not insured but be assured, my little porn princess, life will go on and your fans will watch it all as your world keeps turning. You need to call me, girl. But on a You-Go-Girl tip, I like how you turned that sex tape into a money machine. I had something quite similar happen to me before my career took off as a National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent. There are still bootleg DVDs circulating downtown but I was wearing a wig and in full costume. Nobody knows it was me. I’m a church-going woman and I can’t have any leaks of that nature. I practically run the church, if I do say so myself.

And Justin to the Bieber. What’s going on with you, son? If the fame is too much, go sit down somewhere and read a book, honey. It works for some of these kids out here who aren’t beating on photographers. You need to be turned over somebody’s knee. You can’t hit at the papparazzi. They’re doing their job and you have to respect that, Sweetie. That’s one of the prices of fame. Why, just the other day, I was coming out of the restroom at the local IHOP and the hem of my skirt was tucked in my panties. Unfortunately, I was wearing some that day. There were no cameras to take any shots but it would’ve been well worth it than get laughed at by a bunch of nobodys. Take your pick, J. Would you rather be hounded by lights and cameras or get pictures taken under circumstances I found myself in? It’s not a rock and a hard place for me to choose.

I must leave you now, people. I have a busy weekend being fabulous. You do the same.

Signed: Your National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent in the raw,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B