TF: I see you’ve continued on the blog circuit this year, tweeting and making rounds on Facebook. What’s next for you, in 2012?
Totsy: I’ve got a big hairy ass rabbit up my sleeve and I’m gonna pull it out in due time. I see my name in bright lights (I gesture the way they do for somebody going Hollywood, with dreamy eyes) as the paparazzi capture snapshots of me with my skirt tail tucked in my panties. Not that I’d try to do that for shock value or nothing. But you know, shit happens to the best of us.
TF: I’m real curious as to when you’re going to change your hair again. You seem to reinvent yourself every six months or so. Are you digging this new look as much as you claim?
Totsy: Look at you…(Giving myself a sidelong glance) You think I’d out and out lie to myself? You think I talk myself into things and I ain’t worth the loose change at the bottom of my purse? You think…Well…There was that one time this year when I bought a pair of size 6 pants from Burlington Coat Factory that I couldn’t get my size 8 ass in too comfortably…(Biting my bottom lip at the vision of how the pants fit and could slap the shit outta TF but then I’d be slapping myself. I take a sip of Hibiscus Tea to tame the rising beast. I, then, roll my eyes instead and flip my hand like I’m all that and ain’t got all day for this foolishness). Honey, what’s your next question?
TF: I think you have a fairly interesting background. One you may need to dress up a bit but interesting all the same. Will you ever share any of your personal life through your blog or by some other vehicle?
Totsy: As if I ain’t said enough already! Are you kidding me? (Putting on my best fake laugh, which comes out too loud, and then quickly look around, as if it was coming from somebody else).
TF: What I don’t get is how many, what you’d call folk, are circulating around in your head. You manage, somehow, to appear perfectly sane. How ever do you exude this persona that you’re normal by society’s standards when, in fact, that’s very…umm…questionable?
Totsy: Bitch…(calmly popping my knuckles), you’re real close to making me lose a heel in your ass (Then I get to wondering how the hell I planned to accomplish that).
TF: (Ahem…Appearing self-satisfied) You’re not as smart as you think you are. Obviously. Now tell me, what made you delve into the world of politics? And I want to pose a question to you, as was presented to Herman Cain, since he was so relevant in some of your blog posts. What would you have done about the Libya situation? Would you have approached the problem differently than President Obama?
Totsy: (My mouth makes the shape of a big ass capital O!) Now, you know damn well I’ve got all kindsa shit twirling around in my head, doing back flips and shit. I ain’t got the slightest notion as to what I’d've done. Seems like you trying to sabotage Totsymae Dot Com! You think you’re so smart, what would you have done? (I put my index finger to my chin as I think, this is getting way outta hand, me arguing with myself and whatnot. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. Really, I didn’t).
TF: (Out comes the picture of Victor B. Hughes and Totsy cringes) Do you recall this man in the drawing?
Totsy: Oh, so now you wanna assassinate my good name by shoveling up my past. I should’ve known you weren’t hittin’ on shit from the moment I walked in here. This interview is supposed to highlight my dynamic side but you’ve pulled out the x-ray machine on me. Whatchu gonna whip outta your pocketbook next, a polygraph kit? (I push back from the kitchen table where I’ve been interrogating myself and speak directly to you, the audience) I’m real sorry folks. As of this moment, I’m now suspending this interview. Folks are inside of me saying shit that I was totally unprepared for. This is causing me some internal conflicts and affecting my ability to keep up this front. All I ever wanted to be was a pimp. Ask my good friend, Newt.