The Path to Being a Vibrant, Healthy Woman

"Beach Hat: Violet" Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Beach Hat: Violet” Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Over the past coupla weeks or so, I’ve heard some very disturbing news about women. Not me but you. I mean, I’m a woman and all but since I don’t fall in this category, I feel duty-bound to help you out. I hope you don’t mind. I’d want somebody to reach out to me if…Let’s get right to it to get you the help you need.

Women, so studies say, are taking more sleeping pills than anybody. Over 60%. I’m prepared to offer you an alternative, okay? If you’re on the high-strung end, and you know who you are, try jogging around the block in your neighborhood before bedtime. If there are loose dogs in the area and you’re not, per se, a dog-type person like myself, that should make you run even faster.

You may have to utilize some untapped skills or what you learned from childhood, like climbing a tree or do what they do in horror movies. For example, haul it home fast as you can but before you get there, fall, lose a shoe and say, “I can’t go on.” I will advise that it’s best you go on ’cause you’ll be alone and won’t nobody give a damn more than you, okay?

If you find that you can, make it to the door, try sticking the key in, drop it, not once but several times ’til the dog gets closer and closer. You may wanna try this as a mental exercise rather than actually doing it. I don’t know about you but just thinking about being in that situation has exhausted me. Should you decide to go on a trial run to see if this activity will wind you down in the evenings, keep in mind that those rottweilers don’t play and you don’t wanna get yourself chewed up or anything of that nature.

I also understand women folk are depressed more than men. ‘Cause of our body make-up, women internalize. We just take in so much and even create unreal imaginings that men have no idea about. They’re just so aloof, aren’t they?

Men folk, on the other hand, externalize. Therefore, we’ve got feelings they can’t begin to comprehend. Oh, they put on a good show like they’re sensitive and all but they really aren’t. They’re only appeasing you ’cause new agers are telling them all will be right with the universe if they do. Don’t believe the hype, folks but neither should you put too much focus on this part of the post ’cause I don’t want you losing more sleep than you already have or start giving the significant other the side eye.

This has been a public service announcement for women’s health on behalf of Women’s History Month. Keeping it real and light for the better good of human sanity.

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The Things They Say

"Yack" Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae (www.toshfomby.com)

“Yack” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013 

After tomorrow, I have time all to myself. I’ve been looking in the mirror, asking Myself, “So whatchu gonna do?” and Myself hasn’t answered back yet. I don’t know what her plans are for me but I’ve got a real strong feeling she’ll have me working in the yard. She sorta mentioned it already but knowing that I ignored her, she’s singing a cut the grass song, so it’s ringing in my head.

Now, Myself knows good and well I can’t be on my feet all day in nobody’s yard, even if it is my own. She did say I can soak my feet afterwards but she didn’t have to tell me that. Feet hollers loud enough to let me know. Okay?

Myself has a way of making me do things I ain’t rightly up to doing. She’s had me working so hard at times, Feet, Legs, Thighs and all them get to telling me to sit down. Myself keeps pushing it though ’cause she gets all bothered when she’s in the mood to do stuff and I tell her to stop. Said if it was left to me, I’d be eating Sorbet or some other whatnot all day and raised Eyebrow up at me, asking what the devil was wrong with me anyhow. Well, I couldn’t rightly respond with any kinda intelligence, so I kept right on working ’til the mission was accomplished.

You should’ve heard Feet, Legs, Thighs, and even Hips joined in, giving me the business. Talking about they were gonna wait three days ‘fore they settled in and start hurting me on account of me not giving them no rest. True to their word, they did exactly what they said they’d do. All I could do was sit there and take it. Lips told Tongue to cluck against Teeth when Eyes acted like they wanted to cry. Myself rolled Neck and said, “Lordy mercy, ain’t this about nothing…”

Under the Knife

"Ready Food" Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Ready Food” Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

It’s official. Obesity is now a disease. I’m not sure what to make of it. Other than the fact that I know I need to get some pounds offa me. I know my problem ain’t about no disease. I’ve been pure lazy. Not that I’m obese but I better do something quick, fast and in a hurry. Know what I mean?  This has gotten ridiculous and I’m on my nerves.

First, it was too cold to go out walking. Or, I didn’t have time, Or, I was too hot, OR. OR. OR! You get my drift? Now, the excuse is that I’m tired and my feet hurt and I need my rest and whatever else I can think of. But I tell you the honest truth folks. My feet are hurting today. I am tired and you might as well say when it comes right down to the nitty gritty of my matter, I don’t wanna be bothered with no exercise.

Yeah, I know all about how it makes the dolphins flip and feel good inside of you but I don’t have anymore. They went hunting, swimming or something or another and I’m not trying to hurry’em back this way. I tell you what though. I’m thinking of following thls new trend of getting the fat sucked right outta me. It’s easy and darn near free, with insurance. Matter of fact, I’m gonna have some muscles inserted to all the right places so I’ll look like I’ve been exercising all my life. Know what else? I’m gonna have some legs installed that’ll walk for me and get a whole new face ’cause I’m about tired of this one anyhow. I’m gonna start a charitable organization too, where fat is donated to my non-profit and I, in turn,  feed the hungry and charge all the skinny folk for fat out there wearing leggings like they get a pass just ’cause they’re skinny. Uh. No.

It’s a good plan, if I do say so myself. Why, with folk loving quick food the way they do, I may as well open up a fast food joint. Why not? Y’all all about recycling, right?