Illustration and Cover Design by Tosh Fomby Copyright 2014 Totsymae
Yes, I’ve been caught in a somewhat compromising position. I have my very own paparazzi, as in Totsy, that is. You see, when you’re shooting for fame, being fabulous alone isn’t enough. You have to start your own fire and pour lighter fluid into it, okay? However, I was totally unaware she put me under such a small microscope.
Now, I was well aware of the photo of me in the red hat, alright? But the other two…Oh, my…What I’ve been doing in the dark has caught up and showing my backside. All praises to my parents’ DNA for a firm derriere and Burlington Coat Factory for that fantastic sale on Black Friday. You feel me? I have never snatched anything out of anyone’s hands so fast. While I suffered a slight abrasion to the head, it was so well worth it, don’t you think, people?
Rewind this back to my own paparazzi, if you will. Aren’t you past tired and curious as to why Alec Baldwin is constantly harassed by them? Well, word on the streets is that he’s calling them. Alec, I used to be so crazy about you. The way you’ve been carrying on, I’m starting to wonder if I was crazy to entertain such a crush. Maybe this temper you have turns the little wifey on but the viewers are going to turn you off if you don’t start taking your meds, Booboo. You’re so ridiculous, Alec and well…look at those photos of me. I look too fine and luscious to be talking about your silly antics.
As for these photos, Totsy blackmailed me and I’m now under the gun of exploitation, which is a typical element of the Hollywood trade, right Chris Jenner? From one business woman to another, I respect that particular skill you have on some level but I am so ready for your family to get off the air. All of you have gotten on my nerves, so it’s time for you to go, okay? Please. I’d say I’ll give you five dollars to go away but I know you’d take it and money’s tight right now. And oh, Bruce, don’t have your Adam’s apple shaven. You’re already looking like the girls. Albeit, an old girl but if you follow through on that procedure, Chris is going to botox and pimp you too. You feel me?
Anyway, I’m committed to flaunting my fabulousness at an undisclosed location. I’m booked and, as you well know, forever hooked on the grapevine of Hollywood. If the pay is good, I’ll put you and your hood on blast too, baby.
Forever and Always,
Beatrice from Apartment 7B aka Queen of the Scoop