It’s All About Relations

Color pencil on paper

Color pencil on paper

Good Sunday, people. My, oh my, have I missed spilling the juice with you. I just stepped out of my Sunday’s best after a good hallelujah at church. I was there praying for a healing of sort to cease this special column I do on Totsy’s blog but the Word came to me to simply be myself and use my gift for gab. You feel me, people? The Bea is back and I could absolutely smack myself for wasting that prayer. Anywho…

I spent last weekend with Mariah Carey, the diva herself, and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was. I ended up leaving her and looks like Nick has too. Or well, maybe she put on a stiletto and kicked him out. Who knows, really. I say ouch to the latter and to the former, Nick is about to start living with a little excitement. He’s such a big kid anyway. Don’t be surprised if you see a tall, black gentleman at Mickey D’s in that big play pin, rolling and tumbling with those balls your kids love so much. Don’t worry. He’s not a pedophile. It’s just Nick living out the childhood he missed after being married to Mama Carey.

Summer is drawing to a close and I’ve searched the highways and byways but still, no sign of a Jennifer Aniston wedding. Just so you know, Jen, you are in my prayers, girl. Word has come down from Brad Pitt’s psychic that he’s still in love with you. If the feeling is mutual, don’t even think about it. Please. All those kids and community property between Angie and Brad, there’s no way he could spread enough love your way for the headache you’re guaranteed to have. If Justin doesn’t make an honest woman of you, I’ll extend an invite to my church. Now, the deacon is on the short and fairly stubby side but he’s an established man with a big heart. Come on down, girlfriend. I’m all about the hook-up.

I understand Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their three-year relationship. In all honesty Meg, I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. You kind of fell off the map when you divorced but that’s not uncommon for divorced women. I’ve tried to figure out what drew you two together in the first place and I can only conclude it was that unkempt way you both have. Maybe you got tired of him not picking up after himself or vice versa. I tell you what, call Jennifer and maybe you all can get a 2 for 1 flight through my church so you can find some good men down south, girl. Deacon Ball plays the tambourine, drums and fiddles on his porch at night. Such a talented man, I figure a woman like yourself could appreciate such skills.

Well dear people, that’s the juice for this fine day. I’m going to enjoy this late evening sun and Skype Francois at sundown. He’s so high maintenance, missing the Bea. He cries in French even. Until next time, peace to the wretched. Walk in love while keeping your ear out for the juice, people.

 

Forever and Truly Yours,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

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Ending A Relationship

"Visual Sounds No.1" Mixed Media on Paper. All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.

“Visual Sounds No.1″ Mixed Media on Paper. All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.

On Tuesday of this week, my life will be different, folks. It’s gonna be intellectually stimulating with creative immersion, saving me $120.00 a month. I know. That’s a nice little chunka change. Where is that whopping sum of money coming from, you ask so curiously. Well, I’m finally boycotting cable companies. along with getting rid of my home phone. Nobody calls me on it anyhow. And there are only so many channels that can be watched. Not that I try to watch’em all. Bye-bye Ripoffcablecompanies, hello $1440 a year. That’s how much I’ll be saving.

I spent 45 minutes on the line trying to convince these folk why they were no good for me. That the relationship was over.

“I see where I can get you down to $154.00 a month for the plan you currently have,” says Ripperoffer.

“Yeah, that’s what I started off with and now I’m at $200.00. What you’re offering is temporary. I need something long term that’s gonna benefit me.”

“What channels do you watch now?” probes Ripperoffer.

“I watch Bravo, OWN…I watch’em all.”

“Do you watch sports channels?”

“No.”

“One moment, as I look in my system.”

Honey please, look right on.

“Will $150.00 work for you? What’s comfortable for you?”

“Look, there’s no promotion you can give me long enough or steep enough to retain my services.”

“Oh, so you’re looking for a permanent promotion?” Ripperoffer chuckled.

“Yes,” I said, with a didn’t you know kinda tone.

“Well, we can offer you DirecTV.”

“Yeah. I had them before and they go up after the promotion. Look, I’ll give up TV before I continue paying these prices.”

That brought an end to Ripperoffer trying to swindle me. Now, I realize there’ll be some withdrawal symptoms. Maybe I’ll resort to scratching my belly or walking in circles until I get back to that place I used to be of not watching television. Maybe I’ll get smarter by reading relevant books, writing a Scandal-like TV show, run a tortoise marathon or sail the Pacific on a self-made boat. The possibilities are endless, folks.

What have you gotten rid of that bettered your life and whatnot?

Oprah and Her Disciples

"Oprah" Watercolor on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

“Oprah” Watercolor on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae

No, this is not an Oprah-bashing blog post. I, rather, like Oprah. I’m not an Oprah fanatic, however. I’m too practical and level-headed to be fawning over her. I reserve all that for Harry Connick, Jr, Johnny Depp and, well, honestly, Denzel’s kinda fallen off the hot radar for me. I’m not sure why other than to say I’m not interested anymore. The love has gone stale, you might say.

Well, I was sitting here watching Dr. Phil and it got me to thinking about all the folk Oprah’s put on the map for us to follow. You have to admit, Oprah keeps good company. Not with us but us with her. Oprah’s, after all, the modern guru of self-help. And all the folk she’s put on the map wants to help you in some sorta way.

Suze Orman wants you pinch your pennies and squeeze  breakfast juice from them. Dr. Phil wants to rearrange your psyche and sell books by his son’s, Jay’s, publishing company. Iyanla Vanzant will come to your home and fix your life right at your kitchen table. Rachael Ray has the amazing gift of cooking you up a meal and talking your head off at the same time. She’s just amazing, folks. And last, but certainly not least, Dr. Oz will fix your heart and send you into an anxiety attack with his rushed speech and sense of urgency. Doc, I’m really gonna need you to slow down before watching you again, okay?

When you think about it, Oprah is…like…Jesus. She’s got herself a flock and her flock has a flocka folk following them. On Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. You name it. She took Jesus at his word and became fruitful by spreading the good word. I mean, her word must be good to have all these followers…like…Jesus. Verily, verily I say unto you, folks, I reckon if you’re a follower, you’re…ahem…a…worshipper.

I’m not sure how many disciples Oprah has. Probably twelve. I’m not rightly sure. You tell me, okay? And you know what else? All of Oprah’s disciples write books, same as what Jesus’ disciples did.

Look, I’m not here to judge ye, throw stones or anything of that nature. It just so happens that God spake these words unto me to put it out to you, alright?

Guilty Pleasures

All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.com

All Rights Reserved 2014. Totsymae.com

I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am that Friday’s here. I hope the weekend draaaaags by. I’m serious. I stopped by Aldi’s to buy a weekend snack of Tortillas and French Onion Yogurt Dip. I’m not having any mercy on these chips and dip either, okay? I worked hard and hey, this is my treat to myself. Plus, as I speak, there’s a low rumble of thunder outside and I’m gonna tuck myself under this afghan I made and do whatever I feel like. Well, I can’t do but so much sitting down and under a blanket but I’m okay with that.

Too, I’ve bought a few graphic novels to chill out with. I’m gonna draw, sleep, watch TV and enjoy the rain, if it does that. I must also tell you folks, I’m not making too many moves on account of this morning, I caught a back cramp. I know. How do bad things happen to good folk like me and you. You and I. Whatever. This is not an English class. Well, everybody gets an unfortunate chance in life and I have to say, this cramp thing is one of mine.

All I was doing was walking over to turn off the lamp this morning so I could go work that job. You know, the one I get paid for. Well, I stopped dead in my tracks and eventually made it to the switch, out the door to the little vehicle I drive all of 12 minutes to get to that there job and walked around all day like a piece of cardboard. I had to plan how to use the restroom, how to bend over to pick up dropped stuff and all these other inconvenient thoughts on account of this back thing. I was too scared to sneeze even.

Anyhow, I made out okay. The chips and dip’s gonna make me feel better.

 

sun

I know. What does that sun have to do with anything I’m about to say? Absolutely nothing. Forgive me. I’m working on working on trying to blog again. This is a busy time for me. I know it sounds like I’m doing seasonal work akin to being a retail clerk on Black Friday or working the grill at Waffle House after church and whatnot but I tell you, folks. It really does feel like it.

The other day, I was so sore on account of sitting on my tusche and blogging with you folks for days at a time. I can say it’s your fault I was so outta shape and whatnot…Well, why don’t I go ahead and be honest. It was your fault. I’ve never really been in the blame game business. Though, for this, I’m not taking responsibility either. I’ve got enough responsibilities on me, so I’m passing the buck on this one.

You’ll be proud to know I’ve been productive. Productive doing what, you ask as you scratch your head. Well, about a week ago, I sat myself down to get my hair cut. As a result of not liking the cut, and don’t laugh folks, ’cause my esteem is wrapped up in it, but I’m wearing a full blown wig now. Sounds silly and so not me but it’s me. I have to tell you though. I don’t do too well with it by the end of the day. Soon as I feel I’ve driven far enough from work so no colleagues will see me, off comes the wig. Hell, my scalp’s itching now just to write this.

I’ve also been taking line dance classes with a group of senior citizens. You see, my mom teaches the class and I must tell you, while I don’t have two left feet, they do manage to get tangled up still, on occasion. It’s all good though. My memory of dance steps has always been real bad but I’ve got it going on, to be honest. I’m the youngest one there and I also have to add, the coolest.

I could go on and on about how my life is taking off and I’m on the radar for celebrity. Like, how I’m so on the move with this new wig and all but I’m not the bragging type.

Whatever Happened To…

tree

 

Good day, folks. I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Totsy’s only here today on account of being bored and whatnot.” Well, you’ve pretty much hit the nail dead center on the head. You may also be asking yourself, “Did Totsy ever get her laptop back or will I have to buy her a new one?” Your last question may be, “What the heck happened to Beatrice’s comics? Who does she think she is, giving us a teaser and taking away the tickle?” Well, I appreciate your passion and all. My sympathies and heart go out to you.

To address your first question, or rather, assumption, I am somewhat bored. To explain my brief absence and to sum up the answers to your inquiries, I was working in the studio as a co-lead to a Katy Perry song but after about 10 seconds or so, they called off the deal, asked me to leave. When I refused, I ended up in the hospital with a large imprint on my bottom in the shape of a shoe. I’m so utterly confused  why this all happened and not knowing has me off kilter and whatnot. Know what I mean? Such a request has been a real head-scratcher but I aim to get some answers to my whys and whatnots. You feel me?

And yeah, I got my laptop back recently. I’ll resume with Beatrice on Sunday.

The Dark Side of Artists

Around the MoonLast week, I saw the Jean Michel Basquiat movie. Andy Warhol was in it and in it, he died (from a botched surgical procedure). It never showed Basquiat’s tragic end but there was a blurb at the end that let viewers know how he transitioned. Though, you pretty much got to see how he’d end up by watching his extracurricular activities.

Always a heavy drinker, Jackson Pollock was in a car accident with his mistress and that’s how he transitioned. Mark Rothko led a life in deep depression and shortly after reuniting with his estranged wife, he slashed his wrists after drugging himself, or vice versa. Of course, you all know Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear. Around 2007, there was an article, and I can’t remember where I came upon it, but it was said to be likely that Van Gogh had autism. I don’t believe that. I simply believe he was depressed from being a struggling artist.

Anyway, I did a few paintings along the style of Frank Stella, like the one above. As I placed each one on my kitchen table, the thought came to me that I should do my place mats in this style. None of the four pieces I did are the same and I rather like that since variety is one of my favorite flavors. I’ll show them to you when I’m all done. It’s a little sad that lay folk give little or no thought to artistic contributions.

I hope you folks have enriched your homes with original works that are meaningful to you. Probably the lives of these men folk and art mean more to me than you but I wanted to share anyway since it’s my blog and all.

In the meantime, I think I can use this computer to commence with Sincerely, Beatrice. We’ll see.