I don’t know about you but I’m not into this cold weather. It’s way too cold out there. I’m telling you, I can be indoors from the cold for half and hour and the cold is still deep in my bones. Plus, I wasn’t sleeping so well ’til the last two nights. It sho’ nuff is something to wake up, feeling like you haven’t slept but five good minutes and then have to face the cold while dark is still out. But I’m not here to whine, though I realize I just did…So. Whatever… I’m really here to share this personalized postcard from Beatrice who’s found her place under the sun.
Hello, you fabulous people trying to stay warm. I am so delighted to be with you from where I am, I just had to share. Yes, I’m sipping from a coconut and have picked up a rasta as I listen to dis raggae, mon. Dem beats play in de background and I do tink I’ve picked up an accent, yah. Peace to you and glory to the sun while dis girl has herself some fun. Miley, take some lessons from the people who invented twerking, okay?
Maxine looked out her window at the neighborhood from her second floor, blowing halos of smoke from those dark lips and lactating while the baby lay screaming in the crib. The perfect life of birthing a child and marrying Sammy hadn’t come together after all. Never had she figured he’d lay dead by her hands for wanting to leave. Sure did wish the child would cease all that hollering. She finished out the last of her smoke and pushed back from the window opening. Darn near tripped over Sammy, blood still warm, when she lifted the baby to feed it.
Copyright 2014 Totsymae
Now, if I was one of those folk stuck on the highway, I would’ve been crying mad. I did feel bad for those folk out there. I can’t imagine being out there like that. Running outta gas. No food. No heat. No nothing. Folk have really shown the best side of humanity by helping them out though. There was a school bus that got stuck in a neighborhood and folk took food out to the kids.
I’ve been sitting at home, trying to learn a new software, blogging, eating, plotting out concepts, talking on the phone, watching TV and cleaning the kitchen. We should be good to go by Monday, right? I mean, we messed up down here but I don’t reckon we’re that messed up. Then again, I ‘spect we are, being on the national news with the Atlanta mayor arguing with the anchor woman. She was hostile but he wasn’t backing down none. Like, he should’ve said it was a massive screw-up like the governor did.
I fault employers for that too though. I mean, what happened with that? The same information that was available to the powers that be was available to the employers too. I could be wrong but like the mayor, I won’t admit it on account that I don’t think I am.
I’m gonna get some painting/drawing done now. Shoot. Gotta get myself a swallow of water too. My throat’s dry as the Arizona desert.
I’m experimenting while I marinate on how to do some other stuff going in my head. See, what happened was, my film is supposed to have folk actually talking with all these neat voices and whatnot. Though, I have this cousin, and you may have one too, who says he’s gonna hook you up and soon as you text him, he’s fallen off the planet.
Anyhow, I had to hook myself up. Know what I mean? I’ve got the day off tomorrow to play around since it’s snowing down here and whatnot. Anyhow (I say that a lot, don’t I?), stay warm and curl up with a popcorn to enjoy my first movie. Hehehee!
It’s Grammy time, people and I am in the mix. As is such, I’m going Dutch, though I do plan on snatching up a single and available tux in the crowd, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, one artist who won’t be in attendance is Justin Bieber. He’s dealing with legal and emotional issues at present. No, we do not want him driving anywhere. What I would like to see, Justin, is you enrolled in How to Be A Human Being without Money Whose Got Some Sense 101. Yes, I know you’re young and rich but this does not justify or excuse your behavior. You are putting lives other than your own at risk and any person who’s not so self-absorbed as you are knows this. Please, get a grip and stop acting as if the world owes you something. Pay for the help you need, so I can scandalize other people in Hollywood, okay?
Jennifer, as in Aniston, when is the wedding, darling? The nation wants America’s sweetheart to tie the knot. I read that Fiance dumped you and then I recently read that you two secretly married. I don’t think you did and I need you to do me the favor of making the nuptials public in a massive way, so the rag papers will stop making you appear so fractured since your divorce from Brad. Aren’t you simply tired of the stories? You’re becoming more famous for the divorce than for your acting abilities. I just don’t hear much about this skillset you’re supposed to have.
Well people, the cameras are flashing and I need to sashay down the red carpet in this svelte red and purple number that I can barely breathe in. The work it takes to be fabulous can be as painful as it is costly. Stay or get beautiful, whichever is applicable to you, okay? I’ll see you at the after party…Oh, you weren’t invited. Pooh!
Beatrice from Apartment 7B
Laughing is not only therapeutic, it can make you lose inches from your waistline. You may have to find multiple things to laugh at or recall what’s been funny to you in the past. It’s not all the time necessary to work out hard in the gym. Besides, laughing is free. There’s no contract involved and one thing for sure, you won’t have to decide whether to do it or not or drive anywhere to do it. It’s a natural way to lose those inches without the ‘No pain, no gain’ motto.
Laughing also is a temporary cure for depression and loneliness. I know it’s hard to laugh at anything when you’re in this state of mind but you have to do something to bring yourself outta this. Laughing frees your brain from being clogged up with bad thoughts. Folk will often join in if you have a hearty laugh, whether they know what you’re laughing about or not. You can make friends this way, if you laugh from the gut. Thus, become less lonely. You should stop laughing, however, after five minutes or folk are gonna think you’ve lost your mind. Look at your watch and wind down your laughing at about four minutes. If, however, you’re alone, which you very well may be, laugh as long as you want but Lordy mercy, don’t you dare cry afterwards. Should you cry, please see your family physician and get yourself a prescription for some happy pills.
Laughing is also a way to flush out your kidneys if something is side-splitting funny. I don’t advise you to drink a lotta liquids, unlessen you absolutely need flushing out that bad. Though, you may wanna be careful ’cause you could very well flush out the back end too. Know what I mean? I don’t think you want that, especially if you’re visiting folks or sitting on the bench at the mall. Yeah, be real careful about that, with folk carrying camera phones and whatnot. You absolutely wouldn’t wanna go viral in that fashion.
I should be super uber rich, with all the jobs I have. After running down the list and giving a brief description of my duties, you tell me if I should have deep pockets…
Phone Consultant/Comedienne – I call my elderly aunt who’s kinda housebound on account of her taking care of her housebound husband. I tell lies and the truth to entertain her at least twice a week. I’m not sure if my check for doing this should come from her social security check or the government. While I’d do this for free anyway, I got to thinking and feel entitled to compensation in some tangible way. I mean, I crack her up and she often tells me she needed that. With me lowering her blood pressure and whatnot, I’m actually due a retro check and those are always nice. I also give her advice or at least make information clear and logical about matters she hadn’t considered. Am I due or what?
Poet/Rapper/Songwriter – Now, this is a fairly recent gig of mine. As of yesterday actually. But my daughter, Little Totsy, heard my rap song and she…Well, she didn’t exactly say I should put it on Amazon.com for download or anything close to that but I put in so much time and figured out the beats. It takes a lotta energy to go to that creative place and since it was such a learning curve, I feel like, while I may or not get paid for it in my lifetime, somebody will see my words on paper as valuable. Don’t you think that about your writing? See, makes all the sense in the world to you now.
Walker – I do this all day on the job, helping folk. I know, you say that’s part of the job, but my walking is excessive. I must walk about five miles a day. That’s dedication, folks. Walking was not in the job description and my feet need extra care these days.
Trash Collector/Green Artist - I collect all manner of things to repurpose them in some artistic way. I’m saving the earth and beautifying it at the same time. Whoever collects newspapers, bottle caps and all those other things I could run down the list, I have to go to their homes to collect them. They can actually save money on recycling ’cause I’ll take just about anything.
I’m also a TV Watcher, Grass Cutter (seasonal, of course), Junk Mail Recipient, Patient Driver, Line Waiter (at the store when buying things), Listener (both consciously and as a bypasser), Hanger Upper (on telemarketers), Non-Nagger (even in times when I should) and well, the list won’t stop but I will anyhow.
I don’t know where all this money should come from and it really doesn’t matter since all of what I’m doing is legal. Should I quit all these jobs, who’s going to replace me and do it as well? I mean, I feel like I’ve made an impression in a way that I’d be at least somewhat missed. I’m so clear about that. What do you think? Are you putting in work you should be getting paid for?
Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.
It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?
Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.
People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.
Forever yours and Denzel’s,
Beatrice from Apartment 7B
Yes, I’ve been caught in a somewhat compromising position. I have my very own paparazzi, as in Totsy, that is. You see, when you’re shooting for fame, being fabulous alone isn’t enough. You have to start your own fire and pour lighter fluid into it, okay? However, I was totally unaware she put me under such a small microscope.
Now, I was well aware of the photo of me in the red hat, alright? But the other two…Oh, my…What I’ve been doing in the dark has caught up and showing my backside. All praises to my parents’ DNA for a firm derriere and Burlington Coat Factory for that fantastic sale on Black Friday. You feel me? I have never snatched anything out of anyone’s hands so fast. While I suffered a slight abrasion to the head, it was so well worth it, don’t you think, people?
Rewind this back to my own paparazzi, if you will. Aren’t you past tired and curious as to why Alec Baldwin is constantly harassed by them? Well, word on the streets is that he’s calling them. Alec, I used to be so crazy about you. The way you’ve been carrying on, I’m starting to wonder if I was crazy to entertain such a crush. Maybe this temper you have turns the little wifey on but the viewers are going to turn you off if you don’t start taking your meds, Booboo. You’re so ridiculous, Alec and well…look at those photos of me. I look too fine and luscious to be talking about your silly antics.
As for these photos, Totsy blackmailed me and I’m now under the gun of exploitation, which is a typical element of the Hollywood trade, right Chris Jenner? From one business woman to another, I respect that particular skill you have on some level but I am so ready for your family to get off the air. All of you have gotten on my nerves, so it’s time for you to go, okay? Please. I’d say I’ll give you five dollars to go away but I know you’d take it and money’s tight right now. And oh, Bruce, don’t have your Adam’s apple shaven. You’re already looking like the girls. Albeit, an old girl but if you follow through on that procedure, Chris is going to botox and pimp you too. You feel me?
Anyway, I’m committed to flaunting my fabulousness at an undisclosed location. I’m booked and, as you well know, forever hooked on the grapevine of Hollywood. If the pay is good, I’ll put you and your hood on blast too, baby.
Forever and Always,
Beatrice from Apartment 7B aka Queen of the Scoop
1. Carry breath mints.
2. Produce more than you consume.
3. Never go for seconds at the dinner table. The food will be there tomorrow. In other words, refer back to rule number 2.
4. Listen more. Talk less. Stock up with superglue, if needed. (Masking tape will work also but it may cause public humiliation.)
5. Get over what it is you’re not over. Staying where you are stunts your growth and eventually folk will not wanna be bothered with you.
6. Wear clothing fit for your body type, sex and age, not somebody else’s. Transvestites are exempt, however.
7. Mind your business.
8. Limit Facebook statuses. Nobody cares as much as you do anyhow.
9. Stop pretending. However, if you’re faking it ’til you make it and haven’t made it yet, cry yourself to sleep at night and start putting a Plan B or C in place.