Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged life lessons, listen and learn, maya angelou, maya angelou quotes, quotes, words of wisdom on April 27, 2013 | 14 Comments »
Color Sheet of Maya Angelou by Totsymae. Copyright 2013
Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Maya Angelou
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged barbie and friends, blogging, chatting, friends, girlfriends, habits, relationships on April 9, 2013 | 28 Comments »
Photo by Totsymae 2013
I got back in touch with a friend after about two years. I was as glad to talk to her again as I was to be rid of her two years ago. Hey, that’s the way life goes. And keep in mind, I’m an artist. Whatever you’ve heard about us is probably true but not necessarily in my case some of the time….Most of the time…Well, it all depends.
Though, despite all that, I’m the easiest person to get along with. During a discussion with a friend, when the conversation starts to go south and on the loud side, I tend to go silent. I’ll even change the subject to avoid the big to-do going on in their head. I wanna keep whatever peace we can and avoid any possibility that I may discover some characteristic I don’t like ’cause chances are, there’s something I already don’t like but tolerate. Therefore, I wanna keep the dislikes to a minimum.
Now, if I come to your house and you tell me to make myself at home, I won’t go in your kitchen and make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or anything of that nature. I won’t go in your bedroom and take a nap either but rather, I’ll go home if you’re not entertaining enough to keep me awake. I’ll also make a point not to look at your man or engage him in any form or fashion. I just don’t want any potential shit outta you in that sorta way. Plus, I find it really embarassing that your man is looking in other directions. Not that I’m a looker but on occasion, when the mood is right, I can be.
I wouldn’t say I’ve got as many friends in real life as I do on Facebook. What I do have is quality when it comes to folk I surround myself with. I do hope the feeling is likewise ’cause if not, I’d rather part ways so that person can fill my spot with the type of quality or whatever kinda folk they need.
I sometimes wonder if telling friends about this here blog is a good idea. What if I wanna vent about them and their less tolerable ways? I don’t know if I have any intolerable ways about me but I sorta kinda doubt it. I mean, I could but I’d like to think not.
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged thoughts, madonna, blogging, chocolate, rambling, skating, subjects, themes, mojo, groove, dispirited, peanut butter cups, reese's on April 3, 2013 | 44 Comments »
And it ain’t been easy folks. I don’t, well, I know what’s caused this but I can’t tell you. Believe it or not, I’m a very private person. I’m so private, in fact, sometimes I wonder who’s this person that takes over when I sit down to write these blog posts. I got to wondering so hard about it one day, I had a faint spell of feeling rather fake. I felt so fake, I stressed over this disturbing thought and took myself to that big discount store that starts with a W to buy a giant bag of Mini Reese’s and damn near ate them all in 24-hour period. Quite ambitious of me, don’t you think? Nobody can ever say I’m not goal-oriented. Okay?
So, this slow suicide of overdosing on chocolate peanut butter had me feeling more than slightly disgusted with myself but I guess that’s better than jumping from a bridge and changing my mind in mid air. But back to my mojo, folks.
For awhile, I’ve gotten away from social networking. And I still am. My blog posts go to Facebook and Twitter automatically but I haven’t been engaging. Just been feeling blah and unimaginative, which isn’t a healthy place for me. (Thus, comes the Reesey Cups.) I’ve been reclusive, you might say, which isn’t unusual for me. After all, I need that creative space, if only to think. And while I’ve somewhat objectified myself on this blog, with a southern-like brashness, I’ve kinda wondered should I have thrown on an apron and cooked you up a few dishes or painted you prettier pictures of me instead.
I was advised to continue blogging, however. Now that I think about it, this person doesn’t even read my blog. I don’t know if her advice is worth the three seconds it took for her to tell me that. Though, I am feeling less blah these days. I’m trying to get myself a life, whatever that entails. I’m open to suggestions, depending on who and where it’s coming from and how I feel when I hear what you have to say. Shit, you just really never know some days, do you…
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged a mother's love, blog, blues, decisions, Kem, Kemistry, sadness, thoughts on March 17, 2013 | 17 Comments »
I’m getting to a different place with this blog. At least, for now. I have even pondered the idea of discontinuing the blog. I’m just not sure where I am with that yet. As of now, however, I do need a time out to deliberate and reflect on what the outcome may be. In due time, I shall either change directions or delete the blog.
Thank you so very much for hanging out with me all this time. Will see you later, folks.
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged art, bozo the clown, buddhist, death, funeral, funny, human behavior, human weaknesses, humor, karma, laughs, life, private thoughts, psychology, satire, soul to soul, thinking, vulnerable, wicked on March 12, 2013 | 16 Comments »
I met a woman some weeks ago who works for a funeral parlor. Her world was turned slightly upside down on account of not receiving a pair of pajamas for her mama’s 80th birthday. I could expect this from a child but not a woman of fifty-something years.
That she worked in a funeral parlor got me to thinking if I ever worked in one, which would never happen on my watch, but if in the next, if there is one, and I was wearing a different watch with a different mindset that landed me to get paychecks from a funeral parlor, I’d kinda be humbled to damn near silence while I’m living.
Imagine the life gone clean outta you and you got somebody like, say me, and I had to make you ready for burial. I wanna think I’d be nice to you but say if you were bitching at me the way that woman was, through something I had no control over, I might be slightly inclined to thump you on the head or some other silliness. Though I think what would stop me is the fact that I’d end up getting that thump back come my time to get dressed to the nines to be taken under.
Folk are most vulnerable when they’re dead. I know. They have no idea that, say that sicko who’s forty-something and living in his mama’s basement, is fondling them or some other nasty behavior.
I don’t like being vulnerable but in this case, I’ve got no choice. Therefore, while I might entertain the thought of something wickedly silly, I wouldn’t thump you upside the head or paint you up to look like Bozo the Clown. More than likely, if I knew you really well and you were a constant bitcher or existed in some other unfortunate way, I’d feel sorry that you left the world bitching over nonsense. I’ll also pray for your safe return, should you be so fortunate to have multiple lives like the Buddhists, and hope I don’t run into you again. I refuse to give you countless times to show your ass on me. Being that I don’t know in which life you’ll finally get it right, I’ll pass you on to somebody who’s more deserving than me.
Well, Dearly Beloveds, thank you so much for your time. Be extra nice to folks today. Even if it kills you.
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged art, artist, atlanta writters club, craft, creating, creative people, critiques, discipline, goals, meetings, writing on December 6, 2012 | 26 Comments »
Photoshop Drawing. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
Last week, I re-connected with a gentleman from my writers’ group. I can’t even remember why I discontinued?but I wanna say the busyness of work kept me from attending the critiques. Maybe it was the cost of gas. Maybe I didn’t like what somebody said. Shit, I can’t even remember anymore. It could’ve well been a combination of all those things and more than likely, that’s the case. I never have one single reason for any decision I make. There has to be more than one to make me for or against something. I’d at least like to think I’m deliberate that way most times.
Anyhow. This gentleman is from the UK and he’s got all these crazy degrees and it just so happens he’s got himself a PhD in Linguistics Studies. Now, I don’t say that to brag or anything. It’s his degree, not mine. I say all that to tell you how intimidated I was in going to my first critique a few years ago and it so happened that after I got my act together, this guy was my biggest support and mentor for my writing. It tripped me out ’cause he was looking for voice and what you’ve been reading here is what I ended up with. Well, the excerpts will give you a much better feel for the direction of my writing. When I write general stuff here, I’m just cuttin’ a rug, okay?
Well, I’m resuming my meetings and hope?to continue until my novel is complete. I need that push and on reflection, saw how much progress I made with the help of the group. Shit. (Look of horror as I hear music of terror.) I hope I can afford the gas…Hmm…
Anyhow. This is also my way of getting out among folk who aspire to what I want in their own way. Last month, I joined Atlanta Writers’ Club and it’s full of rich talent and resources. And to be honest, there’s no one else I could?consult who?would understand that desire to write. I’m working on some illustrations now for a script writer and other than her, she’s my only connection to anyone creative. And then there’s you, of course but I need to physically congregate. Know what I mean?
Why am I telling you this? The hell if I know…Damn, I hate when I do that…I don’t have anything else to say to you, I guess. I suppose what you can take from it is that if you’re aspiring to anything, it’s important to stay connected to those who are willing to support your efforts.
So, you’ll get a little more or Beatrice from Apt 7B than usual. Since I took to the flu last week, I’m running a few sketches behind on my book but I shall have to do the overtime. Hang in there with me, folks. If you’ve taken to Beatrice already, you’ll find her a little more interesting as she makes more appearances.
Good Day.
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged analogy, baseball, election 2012, getting out the vote, nonfiction, play ball, presidential election, story, vote. politics on November 5, 2012 | 25 Comments »
“Freedom” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae/www.toshfomby.com
Back in my hayday, I used to be a pro baller. You know, all star 2nd baseman on an all girls fast pitch softball team. I kid you not, I was the absolute shit out there. I could steal a base better than any guy out there and then life made a sharp turn toward me becoming a woman. A boring ass woman. Damn!
See, what happened was, I got hit with the ball in my face, of all places. That damn ball smacked the shit outta my jaw. It hit me so hard, I can’t remember if the damn thing was thrown at me or somebody hit it with a bat. Then, when I turned 18, I started playing on a lame women’s team. They were lame ’cause they were old to my 18 years. They could play, some of them but it wasn’t as fun ’cause it wasn’t fast pitch. It was plain old softball and I be damn if I couldn’t run to California and back to hit that ball, it was so slow coming across the baseline. Not that I was a great hitter but I liked it coming fast, even if I was gonna miss it. There was more adrenaline going with fast pitched ball. If I could make it to the base, I knew I would steal at least one. Maybe two.
That was exciting. Being in the game. The game is more serious now and as election day approaches, I watch the news, scan FaceBook and Twitter and feel a semblance of that rush as I got on the field. Folk are watching and expecting with nervous excitement. The game is being played and we’re heading toward the last inning, folks.
I get a sense most of you folk who visit here are voters. But if you know somebody who’s pretty much gotten hit hard, kinda like I was by that softball, and thinking they’ll sit this one out, encourage them to stand up and vote. It’s not easy out here and I know that’s preaching to the choir for folk affected by Hurricane Sandy. I can’t even say I understand ’cause I haven’t the fainstest of that experience. The best of my best goes out to those folks.
Keep safe and get out the vote.
Posted in Totsy's Sweets, Woman in the Mirror, tagged america's dilemma, barack obama, black and white in america, jane elliott, julian castro, monica's tangled web, oprah winfrey, pbs race 2012. monica medina, politics and race, post-racial america, race 2012, race talk, racism, reverse discrimination on October 19, 2012 | 41 Comments »
George Weaver: I have lived in the south for seventy years. I was in college at the height of the civil rights struggle. Fifty years later, I see this at a rally in Virginia. It appears that racial intolerance is so tightly woven into the fabric of our culture that an occasional unmistakable thread appears to remind us of its presence. This election has brought something ugly to our national discourse. There is a general lack of civility among us … even in our everyday discourse. It is a sad time for our country. (Photo Courtesy George Weaver)
Have any of you seen the PBS Special yet? Just a reminder that it airs again tonight, folks. Grab yourself some popcorn and a Cola and get comfy. Now, it’s not a popcorn kinda sit-down-and-watch movie but I want you to have your snacks so you don’t go to the kitchen and miss anything. Plus, if you go ahead and look for airtime in your local listing, you can see it before Monday’s debate. Or like I said before, visit the site and catch it online.
If I may ask you a question, well, I will. Do you think this year’s presidential election is more black and white than in 2008? I didn’t see it so much four years ago but as one of the fellas pointed out in the special, I, somewhat, believed also that after President Barack Obama’s election that we’d be living in a post-racial America. That at least we were on our way. Now, I feel like we’re on the bus with Rosa Parks and it’s come to a screeching halt. You may or not not agree. You’re certainly entitled. I just wonder why we keep finding ourselves here. If the ugly monster of racism lied dormant and waited for the appropriate time to resurface or have we been unrealistic about where we are.
Here’s another question. How do you see immigrants in the equation of America in relation to race and the political process? Does saying President Barack Obama make it possible for us to one day say President Julian Castro? Are folks afraid of this? When you have a president who looks like you, do you feel more empowered? Well, that’s four questions. As you can see, I’ve got more questions than answers.
If I may, I have a little story to share from some years back and it’s kinda funny but not so much in a sense. I’d found myself in this new neighborhood Then Husband and I bought a home. And let’s be real, folks, ’cause I know unblack folk do this too but being the peeper that I am, I was looking out my window and I did this for a few days, right? All I kept seeing were white folk walking their dog or doing that little sprint walk to exercise and I got to thinking, “Damn, I sure hope we ain’t the only black family here.” ‘Cause I’m telling you folks, down here in the south, white folk will spray paint your shit and hang nooses in your front yard, okay? This is mostly in deep southern areas and while I’m not, hell, seeing only my black self in the neighorhood early on, my radar went up. You feel me? I got to thinking, ” Now, I know damn well I saw some black folk next door when I looked at this house to buy.” I be damn if they hadn’t up and moved!
This is the history we’re reminded of and I look back on it and laugh now. Sorta. I wasn’t thinking along those lines when I moved in my new place. I evolved some kinda way. And I suppose I don’t think along racial lines until I’m reminded that I must. Like, if I’m filling out a job application or like the time my son, Mr Boy, was living in Athens and walking to work and constantly getting stopped for being black.
You know, these are the reality checks. According to one of the commentators, in the special, implying President Obama has been a shrewd manipulator of skirting the issue of race, I don’t think he’d be president if race was at the forefront of his agenda when we look at the social dilemma we’re currently in. For the former majority, whites I mean, race has been a non-issue for the most part, so interestingly enough, we’re discussing race more openly now… (deep sigh). I’ll reserve other thoughts for your comments. If you will, view the video below to add to the topic today, folks. And thank you again for joining the conversation. Also, check out other participants in the Race 2012 Project.
Posted in Totsy's Sweets, Woman in the Mirror, tagged america's racial divide, class, humanities, i don't see color, monica's tangled web, PBS 2012, politics, race, Race 2012: A Conversation About Race & Politics in America, race conversation, race matters, race talk on October 17, 2012 | 37 Comments »
Pardon this interruption. I want to let you know about the PBS website starring the bloggers that are participating in the Race 2012 project. Click the link and head on over, okay? Also, the special will air again October 19th. Check your listings, folks. You can also watch it online.
So. I’ve been studying up on this election and I’m not what you’d call a political kinda person. All I’d really like to do is write and paint. I may be prompted to become more engaged if the candidates were painting onstage and since they aren’t, I see this race to the White House grounded in two social wars, folks. Race and class. And with whites now being a minority, with all the immigrants here, it’s shifting to a class war ’cause folk who’ve always been in power are fighting to maintain that.
Before we get off into that, I know women folk, like those feminists (rolling my eyes), will insert some comment that pretty much goes, Well, what about me? We won’t get into that today. I’m unequivocally and proudly not a feminist. Okay? I don’t like groups all that much ’cause I’m liable to change my mind at any time. That’s just the nonconformist in me. And too, because I’ve had so many problems with women folk these last few years, I can’t do the feminist thing. I simply won’t. They will get on your last nerve. Even if you tell them, Go ‘head on, Bitch. I ain’t got but one nerve left, they’ll ride and wear it down anyhow. You hear me? But I won’t get into pissing women folk off about that today. Maybe some other time (wink, wink).
Anyhow, I watched the debate and the PBS special, Race 2012: A Conversation About Race & Politics in America. I look at this discussion from the foundation of being and doing what is humanly right. Somebody inserted a comment on my blog during our first race talk, “I think people who say they don’t see race or don’t think about people on the basis of their race are not being honest.” And they may or may not be. I don’t know.
I’m gonna break this down, folks. When I hear folk say “I don’t see color,” for me, it doesn’t mean literally. Not seeing color comes from a deeper place. We don’t live in a colorblind society, so no, let’s not pretend the pot’s melted and it’s all good. Not seeing color means I accept you because you’re a human being and I want you to do the same ’cause I am too. That I understand we have cultural differences and it’s cool. That I’m not departmentalizing what’s been exploited of your race or culture ’cause I need you to reciprocate that favor. That I’m not putting a lesser or heavier value on who you are ’cause of how you’re designed by nature. Nor am I’m hung up on artificial exteriors to define you. Your physical self is merely the house that holds, I hope, the substance.
It takes time to get to that place in a society that’s hung up on appearances and who’s inferior or superior based on those results. Like any other issue folk have that they’re working on, not seeing color is just another one of those things, if you deem it’s something you need to work on. It’s not rocket science. It’s humanities.
Posted in Totsy's Sweets, Woman in the Mirror, tagged ameria's dilemma, barack obama, debate, mitt romney, pbs, pbs race 2012, politics, race, race 2012, race and politics on October 9, 2012 | 46 Comments »
“Mulatto” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae/www.toshfomby.com
Down here in the south, the newest one that is, and being the mature woman I am, I’ve grown toward looking at behavior more than race. You know, I’ve been a few places and among a whole buncha folk from all manner of countries. While there are stereotypes attached to particular ethnic groups, I know for myself that whatever’s in one group, you can bet your last dollar it’s in another. Lazy folk, upwardly mobile, poor, killers, loving and every adjective you can name is filled within every race of folk. Whatever is humanly possible is possible in all of us. There are no exclusions.
You know folks, when I was over in Saudi Arabia, I met up with folk from there in all range of colors. Some with light brownish tones and others of rich, dark complexions. When I went for a required check-up at the clinic, the doctor said, “Turn around, Sister.” I was like, It’s gonna be alright over here. I soon learned just how colorstruck the folk were over there. They love fair skin and think all Black folk over there come from Africa. It’s a very closed society but I couldn’t help thinking how this love for fair skin and blond hair was a concept of beauty for folk who weren’t born that way. None I’d seen or heard of anyway. The big boss once stated, “I don’t want no black person in the office. I want white only.” Well, he got what he wanted and the white woman didn’t last. Ended up being an Asian American running the office who did a damn fine job of it.
I was also surrounded by a small group of Sudanese women, some of who lightened their skin and their conversations led me also to believe that white was right. I’m telling you, folks, I got to thinking if you can’t be black in Africa, where can you be black? And honestly, I tried to overlook this ’cause I was ashamed that they were ashamed. You feel me? These are internal racial inequities and then there’s the rest of the world.
I wanna ask you two questions, folks: What does the evolvement of the Birthers mean to you? Look. You’ve been observing the political scene long and hard enough. Did anybody ever ask Mitt Romney to show proof that he was a college graduate? It’s a fair question, right?
My initial post for Race 2012 was embedded with only questions and I appreciate your responses. George thought we should open the door wider on the topic and if you read her comments, had a lot to say. A whole lot. I had to really ponder her words and learned something . Let me also say that in George’s candid respnses, I think she evoked the kinda conversation we tend to shy away from when discussing race. I had to ponder her experiences and wondered if they weren’t limited to that time in which she spoke. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I am a little rosey-eyed. Maybe it’s only in my mind that we’re better ’cause I want it so for my children and theirs. Maybe I’m just weary of race being an issue. Maybe most of us are. However, the problem won’t solve itself. Do say what’s on your mind and not reserve your thoughts for private conversation. Let’s continue conversations that will heal these wounds that keep opening. I’m not asking can we all just get along without at least talking about why we can’t.
And if I can bother you with a coupla more questions: What is race anyway and what does it mean to you?
Posted in Everyday Shit, Woman in the Mirror, tagged advice, humor, life, lists, musings, planting good seeds, southern humor, southern women, talking shit, The Planters painting, tips on July 16, 2012 | 38 Comments »
“The Planters” Acrylic on Board. Copyright. Totsymae 2012
I like most folk I meet, generally speaking. The problem usually comes when I get to know them. And yeah, I’ve got my own idiosyncracies about shit. I’m supposed to, right? Like, if I come to your house to eat, I would expect you to have a clean refrigerator. Don’t turn me off with shit from three months ago stanking up the place where food goes in your mouth. And please, don’t let it look like trash from the floor is sitting in there, okay? I’m not talking about you unless it’s you. I hope there aren’t two of you out there. Garbage in, garbage out, alright?
If you’re miserable, please don’t invite me to the party. I appreciate you thinking about me but don’t. I’ve got enough shit of my own. I don’t wanna be invited into a bitching match with you. You’ll probably win anyway since you’re so good at it. Personally, it’s too hot to be bothered with all that extraness. And I damn sure hope you’re not bitching with a nasty ass refrigerator at the house, okay? Matter of fact, why don’t you go ahead and call 911 on your own self to get the help you need or better yet, call roadside service so they can tow you to the junkyard.
And look, just ’cause you’ve got a mouth, don’t mean you’ve gotta use it all the time. Use it like butter. Sparingly. And I advise you to use your brain to think before opening it. That’s critical in life. Sometimes, as life happens, shit will come out regardless but don’t let it be most of the time. Consider stupid as one of those intangibles like love. It’s hard to take back once it’s out there.
Lastly, be kind to folk. Not just ’cause you want folk to be kind to you. That’s selfish. Do it ’cause it’s the right thing to do. You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose by showing kindness. If your burger wasn’t fixed right when you got it at the drive-thru, don’t cut a fool on those kids at the window whom you’re an example for. What’s wrong witchu? There’s no cause to get all hot and bothered over no burger, okay? You’re 10 seconds closer to death when you get worked up and even closer after tearing into that burger. Calm your ass down.
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…
Posted in Woman in the Mirror, tagged humor, life, list, quotes, ramblings, random thoughts, theodore roosevelt, thoughts on June 21, 2012 | 19 Comments »
“The Greenroom” Watercolor & Ink on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
Having to cook for myself on a daily basis. (Just yesterday, I made hummus that tastes like a bowl of cement.)
That my house won’t be spic and span when I expire. (And that I’m naked.)
Feeling like shit and not knowing why. (Having a general idea makes me feel a little better.)
Going for walks and having a dog chase after me.
Pretentiousness.
Racism. (Overt or covert, it’s all the same.)
Some random dude yelling “Hey, Shawty” at me with a bad set of teeth. (I wouldn’t mind so much if he was Denzel-like. Know what I’m saying? With good teeth, I mean.)
Having gas. (Shit happens, don’t it?)
