I’m Every Woman

It’s Okay If You Call Me Bossy

"Yack" Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae (www.toshfomby.com)

“Yack” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae 

I’m disappointed. A little confused even. I’m trying to figure out what’s so wrong with calling women bossy. I mean, some are. It’s not the worse thing a woman can be called. How can you ban a word and why would you want to?

You know what, women folk? Sucking meat from teeth. Y’all are really starting to get on my nerves. You whine too much. You’re way too sensitive and you always want something. Look, you wanted equal rights, so now you get a little of what men folk been getting. Don’t get out here in the work world acting all tough and soon as somebody call you a name, you go to flinching like some damsel in distress. I mean, this whole banning thing sounds either premenstrual or menopausal. Take your pick according to which stage of life you’re in.

Flicking lighter to fire up cigarette. It’s always something with you women folk. You want contraception, the morning after pill, men to help with domestic stuff, a woman president (which I’m fully and whole-heartedly against, by the way), planned parenthood and yaddah freakin’ yaddah. You just don’t get a word removed from folk vocabulary. I like the word bossy. All it means to me is a person who gets things done. I mean, if you women folk are against the word and all and you’re proponents for equal rights, get it banned for men too. Better yet, get prick banned and all those other derogatory terms that mean so much worse than bossy. What about slut? Those kinda folk work at the office too, you know. 

And what happens if the word’s banned and somebody says it anyway? Will it come down to something like a sexual harassment suit? I can’t imagine being cross-examined or being involved in such a case. But you know the root issue, right? This wouldn’t be a conversation today if women folk had just stayed barefoot and pregnant and somebody wasn’t trying to sell a book. Scratching unshaven underarm.

The Path to Being a Vibrant, Healthy Woman

"Beach Hat: Violet" Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Beach Hat: Violet” Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Over the past coupla weeks or so, I’ve heard some very disturbing news about women. Not me but you. I mean, I’m a woman and all but since I don’t fall in this category, I feel duty-bound to help you out. I hope you don’t mind. I’d want somebody to reach out to me if…Let’s get right to it to get you the help you need.

Women, so studies say, are taking more sleeping pills than anybody. Over 60%. I’m prepared to offer you an alternative, okay? If you’re on the high-strung end, and you know who you are, try jogging around the block in your neighborhood before bedtime. If there are loose dogs in the area and you’re not, per se, a dog-type person like myself, that should make you run even faster.

You may have to utilize some untapped skills or what you learned from childhood, like climbing a tree or do what they do in horror movies. For example, haul it home fast as you can but before you get there, fall, lose a shoe and say, “I can’t go on.” I will advise that it’s best you go on ’cause you’ll be alone and won’t nobody give a damn more than you, okay?

If you find that you can, make it to the door, try sticking the key in, drop it, not once but several times ’til the dog gets closer and closer. You may wanna try this as a mental exercise rather than actually doing it. I don’t know about you but just thinking about being in that situation has exhausted me. Should you decide to go on a trial run to see if this activity will wind you down in the evenings, keep in mind that those rottweilers don’t play and you don’t wanna get yourself chewed up or anything of that nature.

I also understand women folk are depressed more than men. ‘Cause of our body make-up, women internalize. We just take in so much and even create unreal imaginings that men have no idea about. They’re just so aloof, aren’t they?

Men folk, on the other hand, externalize. Therefore, we’ve got feelings they can’t begin to comprehend. Oh, they put on a good show like they’re sensitive and all but they really aren’t. They’re only appeasing you ’cause new agers are telling them all will be right with the universe if they do. Don’t believe the hype, folks but neither should you put too much focus on this part of the post ’cause I don’t want you losing more sleep than you already have or start giving the significant other the side eye.

This has been a public service announcement for women’s health on behalf of Women’s History Month. Keeping it real and light for the better good of human sanity.

Belle of the Ball

"Prfile in Blue" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Prfile in Blue” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Contrary to popular belief, I have me a little life down here in this south. Come two days time, I’m heading myself to a ball. Got my dress yesterday, tried it on in my bathroom where I can see all of myself from every angle and folks, I do declare on a stack of Bibles, the Torah and Qu’ran, I look hhhhhhoooot! I ain’t never lied to you, so there’s no point starting now. Okay? The truth will set you and a diva free. Alright?

This is how hot I was, folks. I was brushing my hand over my dress while I was looking at my divaness and folks, I thought I was gonna catch fire. You hear me? Saw myself a spark and had to come outta that dress for fear of blowing myself right on up. I have to at least make  it to the ball and have an audience if I’m gonna go kaboom. Like, it means nothing if I’m standing in the mirror all by my darn self. You feel me?

I got my do done and and it’s on like a bag of popcorn and Skittles. Okay? Got ole Beatrice over here looking at me cross and sideways with her Hollyhood self. I may have to get her to cover my story and write about my fabulosity ’cause to not do so would make absolutely no sense. Heeyyyy…As the queen of Hollywood gossip would say, ‘Don’t be mad. Be glad somebody as…’ Well, nevermind me trying to rhyme some silly words together. I’ll let Beatrice, the current mistress of undercover hatin’, give you the scoop…Umph…I’ll be darn if I ain’t over here sizzling, folks. Somebody, call 911.

Dear Robin

-a-night-of-honour--

Do you realize Dr Phil’s been on the air for about 10 years now? That’s good for him making all that money and whatnot but that says a whole lot about folk out here in this world. They’re messed up in the head and narcissistic about it.

And with Dr Phil being on the air that long, well, I reckon that chair Robin sits in is mighty special and auction-worthy. That’s 10 whole years and counting of the same behind sitting in the same seat for a what? Sideline celebrity. Okay, I admit I’m hating a tad ’cause I watch the Dr on the regular and I’ve been wanting to uproot Robin outta that seat. Not that I want the Dr, ’cause I don’t, I don’t reckon, but I want to go to that studio over in Cali one of these days and with me wanting to occupy a reserved seat, I see a potential problem. Not for me, particularly but for Robin. I’m real sure she hasn’t been confronted with this kind of challenge. Well, there’s a first time for darn near everything, ain’t it?

I figure my first approach to the chair is to act like nobody’s sitting there. If that fails, which I’m sure it will, I’ll  get to the studio early and put a chair in the rear, where no cameras are, with her name on it. Maybe the Dr can highlight me and ask how to draw a perfect circle instead of asking Robin stuff she acts like she knows about.

I’m real sorry to interrupt your broadcast, Robin but I think it’s downright critical that the show spotlights how to draw basic shapes on occasion. After all, you ain’t talking about nothing the world needs to know. As a woman myself, I clearly understand why you’re there but I’d appreciate you more if you answered the phones. Better yet, you’d be doing me a real favor to be a good hostess and pass out some cookies and milk while I teach those who tune in how to make a happy face while you sit in the back somewhere.

Chicken Noodle Soup for Women

Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

  • Wear clothing that’s appropriate for your body type. Don’t trust yourself to pick out anything with the assurance that you’ll look good in it. You are not beyond help. Understand that there’s a support group for badly dressed women folk.
  • Don’t be desperate for anything, especially a man. They are a dime a dozen, honey. Though, if desperation is part of your lifestyle, go to a foreign country to  get one. It’s no different from adopting a child overseas. If you can’t afford to go, know that the universe is telling you to be alone right now. Be your own best company and have wine with yourself. If you ain’t all that bad, you’ll enjoy your company.
  • Stop talking so much. You don’t need to tell everybody everything. Women who talk too much generally have hemorrhoids and no real friends to speak of. They are also judgmental, demanding and high maintenance.
  • Stop joining up with these feminists. They don’t shave their underarms and look like they’ve been sucking rocks when they get up in age. Preserve yourself for a good cause. Be a humanist.
  • Don’t be so quick to say ‘I don’t get along with women folk.’ The reason you feel this is so is ’cause you’re typically a trouble-maker and think everybody else is the problem. Every woman ain’t the same, unless they’re feminists, who are, by the way, cliquish and had to find their identity in books authored by folk they don’t know personally. Understand that if your slogan is that you can’t get along with other women folk, you got problems you refuse to recognize about yourself.

I’m Not Saying You’re Wrong, I’m Just Right

"Nancy Grace" Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Nancy Grace” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

I don’t have a need to be right about everything. It’s just that I’m not wrong about what I feel I’m right about and it’ll take a real smart type of folk to convince me otherwise. Now, I’m not gonna sit around and argue about me being right and you being wrong ’cause you’re entitled to be wrong if that makes you feel best.

You see, I’m not into arguing a point only to arrive at where we started. That’s a pure waste of your time and mine and while you may not have places to be and folk to see…Well, I may not either (talk to the hand).  I’m just not gonna sit around and try to bully you into my way of thinking, although that would be best ’cause it sure as heck’s been working for me…Most of the time…Some of the time…Well, I reckon we could both do better but seeing that I’m doing better than you, you should pay more attention to what I say, as opposed to what I do ’cause in theory, I do everything right. It’s the hands-on stuff that gets messed up but this is about you, not me, so stay focused.

The essence of what I’m getting at is just ’cause you think something, don’t mean you should believe it. Your world will be a better place once you start believing that.