Graphite on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
Now, I know I shouldn’t be worried about this but I’m concerned when I see a woman driving a mini van. I only birthed two younguns myself but I wouldn’t care if I popped out five, I ain’t driving no mini van. One will never be registered in my name. I ain’t taking no pictures by one for the family photo album. I ain’t interested in one no kinda way, any way you look at it. I ain’t seen a cute woman step outta one yet. And you know what? If you’re driving one and keep doing so, you can best believe some years down the road, you’ll start looking a hot mess like some of the women folk I’ve seen step out of them. I’m telling you, folk really do start looking like their cars after awhile and a mini van is a far cry from what I’d wanna be looking like, if I had to resemble any kind of motor vehicle. I mean shit, it’s a mini bus, folks!
Ladies, between you and me, if you and the significant other go car shopping together and he starts pushing a mini van on you, be highly suspicious that he’s about to retire your ass. He’s probably already looking at some fine young thing or cougar with cash before y’all ever hit the car lot in the first place. If you’re all eager, giddy and shit that he’s putting his boo in a new and reliable vehicle to get the kids back and forth and all them whatnots, I’m telling you right here and now that you should get your head outta them rain clouds about being the family taxi driver. I’ve seen some women in them vans and look like all they do is drive and cook all day. I don’t see too many of them smiling either. Look like they wear this permanent scowl or tired as hell. And wouldn’t you? I mean, I’ve never had dreams of driving one of them things. Seems like that’s a vehicle folk settle for. Who the hell wants a mini van is what I wanna know.
What gets me is women folk calling themselves all liberated and shit. They don’t even have a club like those women who ride motorcycles. Say, women who drive vans (WWDV) could meet up in the park and share what they like about their vans, you know, what kinda accessories they get for it, go down the highway at 90 mph honking their horns with bras strapped to the antennas or lay across it in a hot bikini by the time Hubby pulls up in the driveway from work. You know, just be proud of the fact that they’re driving one like other folk who might drive, say, a corvette. If you’re not doing any of the things I just called out and driving a mini van, you ain’t liberated and you may as well snatch you up some cloth from your local fabric shop and stitch yourself one them Laura Ingall’s dresses from Little House on the Prairie ’cause that’s how you look to me. Don’t think I’m knocking folks, I’m really here to help.
What I want for these women is to be happy, that’s all, and stop looking like they’ve been sucking on sour milk from their babies’ bottles and the shit didn’t settle right on their stomachs. If you really didn’t want the thing when you signed your Janie Hancock, you ain’t gonna have much attachment to it once it gets old and starts breaking down on your ass. For real. You’re gonna end up resenting your husband who’s driving around in his monster truck with the big wheels or whatever the hell he’s driving, is how it’s gonna end up. If you’re gonna do the housewife thing, where he’s bringing in all the cash, have some pride about how you looking in your ride. Your playa days may be over but damn if you have to look it!
Liberate your ass from those six-seaters. It’s enough to be carrying around a diaper bag all day but to go about in a mini van is really setting you back a few notches. If I haven’t managed to convince you of the mini van effect (MVE), imagine a good sexy ass car dream your man could have if he could choose one. Would it be you on the roof of the mini van, and God forbids, a bicycle rack is up there and you’ve gotta find a comfortable spot for the weight you’ve probably packed on since the wedding photos that you don’t like thinking about anymore. Or would it be the babe in the mini skirt with the six inch heels and botox lips who looks like she could be queen of the Playboy mansion?…Uh uh. Don’t even try it ’cause it wouldn’t be you. Stop hallucinating.
Look. Now, I realize my posts are usually about my little life. This post is no different ’cause I’m affected by WWDVs. I have compassion for them. Really, I do. However, I get downright impatient to be parked near these WWDVs and they can’t grab a hold of Jerry ’cause he’s run around to the other side of the vehicle, Dana’s crying in the shopping cart on account of the WWDV can’t get the little belt unlocked and you know I could go on but my main concern is these women folk ain’t looking none too happy to me. Is it really not the van and that they have to shop in Wal Mart ’cause Target’s too high? Is it that damn hot outside that the sun’s dried up their smiles? Or is it that when they got out and about, they realized they were still wearing their house panties instead of their public panties and suddenly been struck with thoughts of what-if-I-have-an-accident? (Ladies, remember that panties reveal as much about us as a coroner would find in an autopsy). I’m just an inquiring mind and seriously wanna know.
We all know men can play this role, like their all aloof and shit but I got the damn skinny on this mini van. They know what the hell they’re doing and that’s to keep other men folk from looking at you. Hell, I don’t even wanna look at you stepping outta no mini van. So, now that you know, don’t go off getting your little house panties in a bunch at how much sexier he looks driving his shit that ain’t got screaming kids in the back seats. Oh, he’s gonna act like it’s your weight or something or another ’cause that’s how they do but honestly and truly, that mini van’s gonna make you look no different from a school bus driver and how many sexy ones have you laid eyes on lately?
And just for my sake and other women folk thinking along these same lines, if you’re a WWDV, be mindful of how you’re looking before stepping outta the van. Shit, wear your sunglasses if it’s hot. Keep yourself a good amount of sexy underwear that won’t get stuck in the crack of your ass in public places. Hell, good underwear are like toilet paper. You should never run out. And lastly, I know folk don’t like this word but I’m using it anyway. If you don’t get control of them younguns at home, they’re gonna control you in public and that scowl I tend to see with WWDVs can last a fair amount of years while driving around in that mini van.
What did you say he was driving again?
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