It’s All About Relations

Color pencil on paper

Color pencil on paper

Good Sunday, people. My, oh my, have I missed spilling the juice with you. I just stepped out of my Sunday’s best after a good hallelujah at church. I was there praying for a healing of sort to cease this special column I do on Totsy’s blog but the Word came to me to simply be myself and use my gift for gab. You feel me, people? The Bea is back and I could absolutely smack myself for wasting that prayer. Anywho…

I spent last weekend with Mariah Carey, the diva herself, and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was. I ended up leaving her and looks like Nick has too. Or well, maybe she put on a stiletto and kicked him out. Who knows, really. I say ouch to the latter and to the former, Nick is about to start living with a little excitement. He’s such a big kid anyway. Don’t be surprised if you see a tall, black gentleman at Mickey D’s in that big play pin, rolling and tumbling with those balls your kids love so much. Don’t worry. He’s not a pedophile. It’s just Nick living out the childhood he missed after being married to Mama Carey.

Summer is drawing to a close and I’ve searched the highways and byways but still, no sign of a Jennifer Aniston wedding. Just so you know, Jen, you are in my prayers, girl. Word has come down from Brad Pitt’s psychic that he’s still in love with you. If the feeling is mutual, don’t even think about it. Please. All those kids and community property between Angie and Brad, there’s no way he could spread enough love your way for the headache you’re guaranteed to have. If Justin doesn’t make an honest woman of you, I’ll extend an invite to my church. Now, the deacon is on the short and fairly stubby side but he’s an established man with a big heart. Come on down, girlfriend. I’m all about the hook-up.

I understand Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their three-year relationship. In all honesty Meg, I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. You kind of fell off the map when you divorced but that’s not uncommon for divorced women. I’ve tried to figure out what drew you two together in the first place and I can only conclude it was that unkempt way you both have. Maybe you got tired of him not picking up after himself or vice versa. I tell you what, call Jennifer and maybe you all can get a 2 for 1 flight through my church so you can find some good men down south, girl. Deacon Ball plays the tambourine, drums and fiddles on his porch at night. Such a talented man, I figure a woman like yourself could appreciate such skills.

Well dear people, that’s the juice for this fine day. I’m going to enjoy this late evening sun and Skype Francois at sundown. He’s so high maintenance, missing the Bea. He cries in French even. Until next time, peace to the wretched. Walk in love while keeping your ear out for the juice, people.

 

Forever and Truly Yours,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

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Singing in the Comeback Choir

I really can sing, people. Just wait, Totsy will definitely pay for throwing me under the bus. I won’t waste another thought on her, however. How are you all doing? I’m just leaving choir practice myself. As for my gospel debut, as soon as I opened my mouth, a slow belch preceded, found its way into my notes, drifted into the air and knocked on a rusty, metal door. I’ll earn your ear before the rapture, okay?

And believe it or not, that’s all I have for you today, people. I may have caught myself a case of Larrygitis. What do you think?

 

Blessedly Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

Freshly Fabulous

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Good day, people. I’m here on the beach because I had a photo shoot, which I wanted to share. While some of you are working, and do count your blessings that you’re able, I’m going to enjoy kicking up sand for you and me, okay? I don’t mind at all. Anything leisure I can do on your behalf, put it in the comment box below.

After leaving the beach, I have a shopping appointment with my stylist. That would be Totsy (rolling eyes). My agent, you know, the one I got off Craig’s List, has booked me for an audition on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am way past prepared to act a fool. You hear me? I’d be a Real Housewife any day than be Tori Spelling.

Tori, you’re going through some really awful stuff! I feel sorry for you and I NEVER feel sorry for rich people. Girl, you are so miserable in your marriage. In your life. However will you resolve this? I hope that show you and Jenny Garth have coming this summer is a success. That would be a good distraction for you. You NEED a distraction. Plus, I really like Jenny. Now, what I’d like to ask, Tori, because I’m quite perplexed…That time you were being filmed by the paparazzi and you were yelling for them to get the cameras off of you, what’s up with that? Can you spell reality show?

Yes, Dean cheated on you. It happens to a lot of women, girl. You, unfortunately, weren’t exempt from a husband’s infidelity. Now, my sources tell me the two of you got together while he was married to his former wife, which confuses me even more. What went around recycled back to you. Stop it with all of this devastation on the TV screen. What I feel sorry for is that you don’t get what I get and I don’t think you ever will.

Verily, verily I say unto you, people, don’t give what you can’t take. As always, I have enjoyed our visitation but I must, as we say in the south, get the mule out of the corn. While I look ravishing in this swimwear, it is crawling into some undesirable places all on its own, okay?

 

Divaliciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Got Game?

I’m too excited. I have time off and so now, the race is on. I’ve gotta get done with Sincerely, Beatrice. Though, a change has taken place. I’ve altered Beatrice’s look. She’s a work of art; the haute couture of comics. I like this look. You?

Also, if you so desire, guess the artist and tune on the video. I give prizes sometimes. And guess what folks? Sometimes, I don’t. With this being an upcoming show next month however, I’ll go ahead and make it a contest. For the person who guesses the song AND musical artist, you get one of three prizes below:

1. You get a photo of your choice to be dressed up in a Totsy. That is, a piece of art like you see Beatrice wearing or

2. You’ll get a chance to see yourself transformed into an animated gif  or a product you’re promoting, such as your book or

3. You’ll get a message from me in the comments that says, “Yep, that’s it.”

A name will be drawn if more than one person guesses. After that, a prize will be drawn. As time winds down to premiering Sincerely, Beatrice, another contest will be sponsored and your name automatically goes in the hat to win an original piece of mini art. Sounds good? It does to me.

Deadline is May 31. Guess as many times you want ’til that time.

 

Damsel in Deep Distress

bea on phone

What ever will she think of next? I am too beautiful to withstand this kind of humiliation from Totsy. Yet, here I am with my very own paparazzi. Where is a good and dear friend when you need one? I assure you, it sure isn’t her. Get in the driver’s seat and hit me with a bus, so that Denzel can save me, people. I am a damsel in deep distress as I look at this image of myself…Uuuuuuh…Fainting.

I was intending to talk about Sherri Shephard’s pending divorce and how her husband is filing for custody of their unborn surrogate child, while her ex-hubby is filing for custody of the son they have together and wondering why Sherri married her current husband without checking his work credentials, which, to my findings, he doesn’t have very much of any in the entertainment industry as he and Sherri led her to believe, because get this people, he isn’t working at all and apparently, does very little to nothing around the house. Catching breath…

Also, according to my sources, Sherri signed a prenuptial agreement that she would disburse $60,000 from her account should they divorce. Now, while Sal, the estranged hubby is slightly on the lazy side, I must also say he’s very low budget too, okay? Well, being a woman who was confused and ready to marry, Sherri signed the agreement but Sal is fighting to overthrow everything he agreed to because guess what, he wants more, of course.

Why, I’m just as confounded as Sherri as to why she didn’t check her resources since she’s doing it with all the people she talks about on The View. What a huge egg on her face. It’s akin to your dress ripping in two as you’re walking down the red carpet and catching a breeze on your backside with cameras flashing, only to see it advertised at the grocery store in a free magazine that sells used cars and…If it can happen to me, it can happen to you too, okay?

Anyway, Sherri. Take a slow ride down the aisle to matrimony on your third go-around.

 

Hardest Working Woman on the ATL Strip,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

A Diamond in the Blogging Rough

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Dear beloveds, I’m slowly and most surely, building my reputation of being the juicy girl with the juice. Keep hanging with The Bea and thou shalt never thirst for gossip. Drink from my cup and be quenched, okay? Snap, snap, split. OUCH!

I, people, am so fabulous, I’m going to be a contributing writer for  The Single Sexy Mommy. While I’m not a Mommy, I am sexy but I don’t have to tell you twice. You’ve seen the pictures, people. Need I post more photos to jog the fog of your memory? I didn’t think so. Plus, I don’t want a traffic jam to crash Totsy’s little site. 

Yes, people, a star has been born. My mouth will perhaps be worn from digging and scooping the dirt. You feel me? I shall probably die wrapped in tabloids, okay?  Snip, sew, snap, baby. Just keep me beautiful. Naturally, I shall keep you in the know. At present, I’m sending OWN an audition tape for my own reality show on men over 4o who wear jerseys and sagging pants. It’s going to be called What’s Up With That? Hey, if hoarders can get on TV with all that trash, certainly I can be a commentator for a topic as this.

In the meantime, toodles  to your noodles and blessed is the wretched. Just thought I’d throw that in since I went to church today via satellite TV, okay? Wide brimmed hat and all, I did that without the gas company ripping me off. The Bea is all about saving a dollar but you shall never holler at me from aisle three of a thrift store, okay?

So people, be sweet while I hit the street to bring you more of the latest.

 

 

Fabulously & Fantastically Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B