Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae
It’s a beautiful day to be alive and gossiping, people. I have so much scoop for you today, I could darn near choke. Somebody get behind thee and give me the Heimlich Manuever. Preferrably Harry Connick, Jr. Hello?
Let me jump right into this because Ms. Gwenyth, Paltrow, that is, I know you’ve been nervously awaiting to hear my take on you being named the most beautiful woman in the world. What a backlash. Basically, your photo has been nailed to the public wall and filled with darts and bird poop. I wouldn’t want to be you right now, even with that sweet bank account. Don’t you worry your pampered self over this at all, however. Damn if you aren’t and damn if you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Who gets to cry over that every day? That’s part of the Hollywood territory, and horror story, in your case. At least your name’s not Kim Kardashian.
And Reese Witherspoon. You were more than a notion in my neck of the woods and I simply can’t appreciate that. I think you’re one of the smartest It girls in Hollywood and you played the celebrity card while intoxicated, which leads me to think that what you said to that officer, who lays his life on the line on a daily basis, was not better than you in no shape, form or fashion. I need to re-think my relationship with you because what’s in comes out and for now, I’ve seen just about enough.
The big story of this gossiping hour is Ann Curry from the Today Show. She is singing to her friends like a battered bird and Matt Lauer is flying like a bat from the show when his contract is over next year.
Look, rich people. I truly, honest to God, stamp-my-foot-three-times-to-give-a-shout-out-to-the-Almighty-with-a-tambourine-shaking-in-my-left-hand, wish I had your problem. Ann, stop crying. You messed up sometimes. I lied in bed eating strawberries with whipped cream from the night before, watching you faithfully. Mistakes happen. You made many of them and I’m not mad at you for it. Nor do I feel sorry because you are sitting on a cool 10 mil for each year left on your contract. Yes, it was quite humiliating to get laughed at and booted out so publicly but the average person isn’t so lucky to get kicked to the curb in such a fashion. Will you even draw unemployment and fear that it’ll run out? I mean, come on, Ann.
As for you, Matt. I do believe, and it’s just my personal opinion, that you are sexy in a subtle and unassuming way. You look innocent but come on, my ole Boo. I know you aren’t. You couldn’t stand Ann, didn’t want her sitting on the couch next to you and that’s the way it is on the job sometimes. I can most certainly relate. Before my gossip business took off, while I was still working at the phone company, which got me started with dipping in everybody’s kool-ade, I could not stand a handful of people I worked with either. They were always trying to be in my business and not get paid for it, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Now, did you bully and shun Ann? Again. You’re not as innocent as you look and if I’m wrong, which I don’t think I am, Karma is going to become your friend in a most invasive way.
Listen to me, rich people. I’m not Olivia Pope, so I’m not interested in fixing your problems but like the business savvy woman I am, I’m all about getting paid for spreading the word, good, bad or indifferent, and at least trying to bring you back to the world of where the real problems are. I highly recommend that each and every one of the aforementioned visit getyourlife.com, get yourself a patch or something.
Honest and Always True,
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Smooches, Mittens
Posted in Beatrice from Apt 7B, tagged can't touch this, china jobs, commentary, election 2012, mc hammer, mitt romney, president barack obama, president obama's second term, satire, smoohes on November 7, 2012 | 33 Comments »
“Beatrice Jones” Copyright 2012 Totsymae
What happened, Boo? All that money behind your campaign and you still lost? That wasn’t supposed to happen since money buys everything. I’m so very deeply confounded. Though, I know you must be even more discombobulated. I’m certain you are because you were so sure, you hadn’t even composed a concession speech. You really should’ve been better prepared, Mittens. Presidents, even hopefuls, are prepared for such endings. I do have to say, however, that you made it sweet and short. Thank you. Winning, apparently, was not inevitable for you. Let’s just presume all those cronies who were supplying you with money weren’t really your friends. They were using you. They knew you weren’t equipped. They were laughing at you. And the people, as you can clearly see, weren’t fooled by that flippety-floppety politcking. It went from funny to downright insane to imagine you’d be running this country. Electing you would’ve been akin to us saying President Palin. And Boo, you know she’s touched. So, I just want to confirm there is no vast contrast in intellect where running this country is concerned between you two. The people have spoken and we’re not having it, Boo.
From this point forward, I want you to give up any dreams of becoming president of this nation. As Mike Tyson would say, it’s ludicrous. What I do need you to do is hit the streets and create all those jobs you said you’d develop as president. You put it out there. Be sincere about it. If you care about 100% of the people, rather that the 47% you dissed after your secret was leaked, you’d follow through with your intentions and do what it takes to lift the economy as you professed. Besides, those 47% wouldn’t have to rely and wait on the government as you so eloquently stated, since you won’t be a part of it, they’d just depend on you, the private sector. Keep in mind, however, the Americans you create employment for don’t want to work in China.
One last thing, Mitty Boo. I have a special video dedication to you. Smooches…
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