Beatrice from Apt 7B

Striking A Pose: Trailer 2.0

I’m slowly but surely pulling it all together with Beatrice. I finally came to a point of getting her to look how I and she wanna look, so we’re gonna do this thing with some sass and class, folks. Prior to premiering the comic strip this summer, I hope to be able to share other starring cast members, if time allows. I’ll make guest appearances. I think. I’m not real decisive about that. Maybe I’ll steal one of your pics to make you a part of the strip…Now that I say it, that sounds like a winner to me. Hmmm…who shall be the unlucky blogger picked for this….

In the meantime, in preparing Beatrice for the big stage, she had a photo shoot done. You can say this is the second trailer for the strip, only with different pictures. I kinda knew but didn’t know the extent of work needed for this type of project. Being this is my first comic strip ever, I’m deliberating on whether to show it in the traditional format or the way I did the trailer. It’s all experimental, so I may try both. Maybe you can let me know what works best. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyonce, Gaga and Wendy…Let’s Talk

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Don’t hate that I don’t dream of a white Christmas but The Bea is dreaming of Johnny Depp. It’s the only way I could pull this advertisement off. A girl has to do what a girl has to do, okay? I love this man and if there was a telepathic signal between us, he’d love all this lusciousness too. But on with the scoop.

People, are you at all surprised Beyonce’s photoshopping herself? I didn’t know you had that kind of time, B. With all of these contracts and engagements you have to fulfill for the Illuminati, who knew. You’ve got yourself some skills, girl. I can’t deny you that. And a little more self-obsessed than I gave you credit for. It’s hard for anybody to get their foot in the door. Namely, me. You are truly a girl who won’t be interrupted, even after birthing a child. You’ve done everything besides advertise toilet paper and tooth picks.

Gaga, can we talk? Why are people vomiting on you on stage? That has nothing to do with art and everything to do with desperation. Or maybe mental illness. I don’t know what you’re going through other than to say Hollywood is probably kicking your behind for you to deliver that as art to your audience. You’re gross, okay? Just do what Miley’s doing and take your clothes off. But oh, you have to be so different.

And Wendy Williams. Girrrrrrl. What’s with your husband in the store buying another woman shoes? Baby, you’re in the wrong business at this point in time of your life. You need to step aside and let The Bea ride this gravy train, okay? To the left, girlfriend. Had I known hubby enjoyed shoe shopping, I’d have emailed him my shoe and dress size, because I know he outfitted that woman. Though, shopping is all he can do for me, alright? I do not want you coming at me, Mrs. Wendy. I’m a big girl but you’re even bigger. Matter of fact, I take back what I said. Forget I mentioned any of this, okay?

Well people, I shall not keep you any longer because you’re getting no younger, unlike myself, alright? Besides, I have a continuation dream to conclude of Johnny. Ahhhhh…

 

Keeping You In the Know,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

Where, Oh Where, Has Halle’s Man Gone?

Beatrice's Diva's Wall © Totsymae 2014

Beatrice’s Diva Wall © Totsymae 2014

Bonjour, lovelies. If you’re not enjoying spring, have a fling with life. Get off the couch, being a slouch and live. I realize I’ve a lot to say but that’s my job. Volunteer or otherwise, I take blowing hot air into the universe very seriously. Amen. Where, oh where is a good piece of gossip when you need it? Just call 1-800-The-Bea, alright?

What am I juiced up with this fine day? Halle. There’s only one and girl, you know I’d have to get around to you sooner and not too much later. Look Halle Baby, I mean Berry, what exactly is going on with you? I’m beginning to believe, exterior beauty aside, something is deeply and darkly wrong with your not being able to keep a man. They are fleeing all over the place. I’m not making fun. Not at all. My utmost concern is for the children. If you need to call me, I’ll install a therapeutic line specifically for you, girlfriend. It’s all good because I’ll accept PayPal and Bill Me Later, alright? I’m all about making it convenient to collect that ching, ching. Don’t get it twisted. High five…

And no, Barbara Walters, I didn’t forget about you either. You’re the priestess of journalism but I have to say, we, the public, are so okay with you leaving. We won’t cry. I’m not sure why you felt the need to announce your retirement a year early. Who does that? We don’t care as much as you think but we’ve enjoyed you. Yay, yay. Congratulations but bye, girl. I’m gunning for your seat on The View. Speaking of the show, Jenny, are you trying to look studious with those glasses? Get the contacts, girl. You’re doing too much. While you may be smart, we really don’t care. If you were covering the evening news, I’d give you a pass but being on The View, I feel it’s necessary to stop you at the door, okay?

Siiiiiigh. I’m out of breath and bursting at the seams, people. I mean, literally. This dress I purchased from Target is smaller than I thought. After eating two Dunkin Donuts, that is. I do declare, what’s a girl to wear to look fashionable these days. I could install a third line to call myself at 1-800-Too-Fine-To-Fit but I’m real okay with that. You feel me? And so, I shall leave you with that sexy image of me in your head because enough has been said, alright?

 

So Utterly Delicious,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

Wherefore Art the Romeos?

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Don’t laugh, people. But you do realize I’m on my way to being the next Hollywood It girl. Joining the circus was and has never been a part of the game plan. People, I’m currently on the road with Barnum and Bailey. AND. I’M. NOT. FEELING. THIS. If the air keeps blowing the scent of elephant dung in my direction, I swear on my Louis Vuitton handbag, I’m going to strangle myself. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows the trouble I’ve seen. This is what happens when you acquisition an agent from Craig’s List, okay? People, I was stuck like Chuck walking across that tightrope. Neither Denzel nor Patrick Dempsey were there to catch me if I fell. Where, oh where, is a strong, fine man to wrap his arms around you when you need one?

I think Katy Perry asks herself that question a lot. Now, why she pulled John Mayer  and that ex of hers from the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, I haven’t figured out, other than the fact that she’s not man-smart. Katy, if you’d close your eyes just a tad, because you always look really surprised to me, I think you’d pick better. Stop going for men you have to fix, honey. I know you’ve got religion you grew up with but you’re beating dead horses, sweetie and you don’t want murder charges on your record. Let them GO. Matter of fact, give yourself time to air out. Don’t be like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s call her J. Lay because you can always count on something to be up and….Let’s leave it at that. Forgive me, I’m a Christian woman, people. The line is oh so delicately thin in this line of work.

And poor Jennifer. Aniston, that is. First, we hear it’s off and now, the wedding’s back on. Let us all bow our heads in prayer for Jennifer replacing Brad this June with a new hubby. It’s been a rough and rocky road for you, girlfriend. The struggle is so real, isn’t it? Ahem, cough…Let the bloggers say Amen, Amen and Aaaaaaamen. That ought to seal the deal for you, girlfriend. That’s how we do it down south, okay?

Well, to all you manless women, stay strong. Raise your fist but I tell you this, you’d better have a clean shave under there, alright? Life is short and made even shorter when you settle for anything. And that’s my belated womanly advice for you to conclude this celebration of Women’s History Month. And so, verily verily I say unto you people, The Bea is oh, so fabulous, even in a size plus, okay? Snap, snap baby. I’m out.

Divalisciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Catwalking with First Ladies

catwalking bea

You didn’t think I’d let Women’s History Month slip past without a word, did you? Leave it to moi, the queen bee, to keep you relevant and in style with women of class. Numero uno is me, baby. That’s right. I’m the style icon at the local Cheesecake Factory in the ATL and Totsy’s subdivision. Yes people, you must claim your fame wherever you can until you can do better, alright? I can walk with my head up without a tummy tuck because I am beautifully luscious as I am. Snap, snap, spin. Catch me before I fall, people. I’m dizzy now.

I know that you know Michelle Obama’s the most stylish First Lady since Jackie O. The other first ladies did what they could and we got through it. I have to say Nancy Reagan was fashionable too. Snap, snap Nance. You did that. And while we’re talking first ladies, I have to say Olivia Pope, you’re one chick who can wear a white coat and work a business like nobody’s business, okay? Yes, I get that you’re a TV character but I have to take my sunglasses off and give a shout out because I’m all about that life. You feel what I’m saying?

And too, while we’re talking Olivia, I do want you and Fitz to stop it with all this “I can’t breathe without you” talk. Of course, you can. You slept with Jake, who’s living in your apartment and taking off his shirt in front of you. I say, keep going for it girlfriend. I will if you won’t, okay? He’s single and you need to mingle to get that tingle with someone you’re evenly yoked with, as in available.

Oh my, time flies and I’ve veered off course on my subject matter here. Oh, well. Enjoy the catwalk with these lovely first ladies and I’ll catch you backstage before my Vegas show. You didn’t get a backstage pass? Call my manager. His office is at Starbucks where he’s trying to hook up with that free wifi, okay?

Fashionably Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Jackie Kennedy. Google Image

Jackie Kennedy. Google Image

Nancy Reagan. Google Image.

Nancy Reagan. Google Image.

Michelle Obama. Google Image.

Michelle Obama. Google Image.

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It’s the Best of Times, It’s the Worst of Times

cropped-beatrice-banner.jpg

Hello, Lovelies. I’m beside myself and not because I put on 10 pounds hanging out with Francisco, Francois or whatever his name was. You see, on my way from Jamaica, I swung by Brazil and not by a tree limb, okay? Though, it may as well have been because the seat was so cheap, it was one bumpy ride, people. You don’t want to know what I had to go through to get that seat or what I went through to keep it. Trust moi, Francois will be hearing from my TV lawyer as soon as I dial this 1-800 number.

As you can see, I’m not wearing black to pay tribute to the end of Robin Thicke’s marriage. And I’m not here to joke about this separation. I say separation because they could reunite. I hope so but we know how separations go in Hollywood, don’t we? I’m not sure what disintegrated that relationship but Hollywood is ripe soil for the breakdown of marriages. It’s really sad. So much plastic flesh to be had, you just can’t settle on one tush or bush, alright?  In some cases, marriages do survive. They really do. Clap, clap. 

Gabrielle, as in Union, I really am enjoying Being Mary JaneAfter all these years, you’ve proven to me that you can act. Now, I understand from a reliable source the show’s not doing well, which surprises me. Anything that sustains my attention is usually a hit because I’m one chick on the move, alright? I do hope the show returns for a second season and was glad you decided against turkey basting that stolen sperm. Plus, you’ve got that pre-nup you insist on signing with Dwayne Wade, which I don’t think to be a smart move if you don’t show up after this season. Marriages tend to tense up when one spouse isn’t working, even in Hollywood, okay? Anyway, rah rah to your breakthrough role, as far as I’m concerned. You’re still pretty to me, girlfriend. Just thought I’d throw that in.  Ahem.

Before I depart and leave you drenched in tears, I want to announce that I’m starring in a new comic series here on the blog this summer. Naturally, I’m excited that Totsy’s seen the light of my acting abilities. While she’s run into a creative speed bump, we know this series will start the first day of summer, for 8 weeks. Once a week, that is. Look out for the comic book trailer in the coming weeks. The fall line-up brings you Totsymae Presents, premiering 5 shows. In the meantime, enjoy the best and worst of Hollywood, with me, Beatrice from Apartment 7B. Propping feet on coffee table while dipping Oreo cookie in milk.

Meet the Queen of Twerk

I don’t know about you but I’m not into this cold weather. It’s way too cold out there. I’m telling you, I can be indoors from the cold for half and hour and the cold is still deep in my bones. Plus, I wasn’t sleeping so well ’til the last two nights. It sho’ nuff is something to wake up, feeling like you haven’t slept but five good minutes and then have to face the cold while dark is still out. But I’m not here to whine, though I realize I just did…So. Whatever… I’m really here to share this personalized postcard from Beatrice who’s found her place under the sun.

Beatrice in Jamaica

“Beatrice in Jamaica” Color Pencil/Marker on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Hello, you fabulous people trying to stay warm. I am so delighted to be with you from where I am, I just had to share. Yes, I’m sipping from a coconut and have picked up a rasta as I listen to dis raggae, mon. Dem beats play in de background and I do tink I’ve picked up an accent, yah. Peace to you and glory to the sun while dis girl has herself some fun. Miley, take some lessons from the people who invented twerking, okay?

Making the Cut

makingthe cut

It’s Grammy time, people and I am in the mix. As is such, I’m going Dutch, though I do plan on snatching up a single and available tux in the crowd, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, one artist who won’t be in attendance is Justin Bieber. He’s dealing with legal and emotional issues at present. No, we do not want him driving anywhere. What I would like to see, Justin, is you enrolled in How to Be A Human Being without Money Whose Got Some Sense 101. Yes, I know you’re young and rich but this does not justify or excuse your behavior. You are putting lives other than your own at risk and any person who’s not so self-absorbed as you are knows this. Please, get a grip and stop acting as if the world owes you something. Pay for the help you need, so I can scandalize other people in Hollywood, okay?

Jennifer, as in Aniston, when is the wedding, darling?  The nation wants America’s sweetheart to tie the knot. I read that Fiance dumped you and then I recently read that you two secretly married. I don’t think you did and I need you to do me the favor of making the nuptials public in a massive way, so the rag papers will stop making you appear so fractured since your divorce from Brad. Aren’t you simply tired of the stories? You’re becoming more famous for the divorce than for your acting abilities. I just don’t hear much about this skillset you’re supposed to have.

Well people, the cameras are flashing and I need to sashay down the red carpet in this svelte red and purple number that I can barely breathe in. The work it takes to be fabulous can be as painful as it is costly. Stay or get beautiful, whichever is applicable to you, okay? I’ll see you at the after party…Oh, you weren’t invited. Pooh!

Always fabulous,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Ring, Ring…It’s Beatrice from Apartment 7B, People

beatrice on phone

“Beatrice in Action” Color pencil on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.

It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?

Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.

People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.

Forever yours and Denzel’s,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice on Blast, Under the Bus and Similar Arrangements

Illustration and Cover Design by Tosh Fomby

Illustration and Cover Design by Tosh Fomby  Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Yes, I’ve been caught in a somewhat compromising position. I have my very own paparazzi, as in Totsy, that is. You see, when you’re shooting for fame, being fabulous alone isn’t enough. You have to start your own fire and pour lighter fluid into it, okay? However, I was totally unaware she put me under such a small microscope.

Now, I was well aware of the photo of me in the red hat, alright? But the other two…Oh, my…What I’ve been doing in the dark has caught up and showing my backside. All praises to my parents’ DNA for a firm derriere and Burlington Coat Factory for that fantastic sale on Black Friday. You feel me? I have never snatched anything out of anyone’s hands so fast. While I suffered a slight abrasion to the head, it was so well worth it, don’t you think, people?

Rewind this back to my own paparazzi, if you will. Aren’t you past tired and curious as to why Alec Baldwin is constantly harassed by them? Well, word on the streets is that he’s calling them. Alec, I used to be so crazy about you. The way you’ve been carrying on, I’m starting to wonder if I was crazy to entertain such a crush. Maybe this temper you have turns the little wifey on but the viewers are going to turn you off if you don’t start taking your meds, Booboo. You’re so ridiculous, Alec and well…look at those photos of me. I look too fine and luscious to be talking about your silly antics.

As for these photos, Totsy blackmailed me and I’m now under the gun of exploitation, which is a typical element of the Hollywood trade, right Chris Jenner? From one business woman to another, I respect that particular skill you have on some level but I am so ready for your family to get off the air. All of you have gotten on my nerves, so it’s time for you to go, okay? Please. I’d say I’ll give you five dollars to go away but I know you’d take it and money’s tight right now. And oh,  Bruce, don’t have your Adam’s apple shaven. You’re already looking like the girls. Albeit, an old girl but if you follow through on that procedure, Chris is going to botox and pimp you too. You feel me?

Anyway, I’m committed to flaunting my fabulousness at an undisclosed location.  I’m booked and, as you well know, forever hooked on the grapevine of Hollywood. If the pay is good, I’ll put you and your hood on blast too, baby.

Forever and Always,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B aka Queen of the Scoop

Getting the Juice

"Red Bikini" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Red Bikini” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Good day, people. I’m wrapping up my time on the beach on the Georgia coast. Glory to my fabulousness but I had to bless spectators and haters with one last look before the summer heads completely south. I am the definition of Diva and can’t help myself. Okay? As I lie here looking oh so beautiful, I’m sipping on a tall glass of Hollywood juice and my insides are so utterly full, I just have to spill it. Hello?

As you perhaps know by now, Miley, as in Virus Cyrus (VC), has been dumped, kicked to the curb and recycled into the singles market. As we’re no longer in the Garden of Eden, the Now Ex didn’t take too well to all that nakedness and us knowing her in such a fashion. I do believe she’s sealed that oversized tongue in her mouth at this current time, haven’t you VC? But your daddy’s so very proud of you and I wish all of you happy therapy sessions in the future because you’re not trying to hear it now, are you girl? Well, strip it until you rip it and do you until you get a clue that thick is in and you’re too thin to be taking your clothes off before the public. We’re not hardly that desperate to see skin. Okay? You need to come down south and eat a good meal or two. Alright? And bring the president with you because he’s looking rather thin these days.

Rumor has it that Now Ex was cheating but what’s the biggy, really? Miley was openly cheating with the public with all that gyrating on stage. I know I supported you initially, Miley but I get tired of people on the swift and you’re on the list, sweetie. And before I take a break from you, I do hope you’re on the organ donor’s list because I’m real sure somebody could put that tongue to better use. Did I mention I was tired of you, Miley?

People, as I lie my beautifulness here and continue to bless the public, I want you to know that I’m in mourning over the separation of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Catherine, I think you’re beautiful and I wish you and Michael the best for the rest of your lives. I never thought people divorced at 60-plus but it happens. I know the papers haven’t been filed but well…Umph, umph umph…(Sniff, sniff)

Kimye, as in Kim and Kanye. I must admit, you two made yourselves a beautiful baby. However, I feel terribly sorry for you, Kim. Your baby’s daddy  is a nut who likes to cut up in public. To put it more accurately, ‘cut a fool’ as Totsy would say. Not even you deserve that and especially not your daughter. Be blessed, you and North West, and know which way is up because when Kanye sees the paparazzi, you and North will need to know when to duck. Okay?

As always, it’s been a pleasure. I want to thank my congregation of bloggers for reading me. Lord have mercy on all those who aren’t nearly as fabulous as me. Amen.

Always True,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Good Girl Gone

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Hello, people. No applause, please. I am just returning from the state of madness, namely the VMA Awards, where Miley, according to some, made the devil smile. The wild child star turned superstar has blossomed into a thorn and basking like never before in the limelight. While I was sitting in the $5.00 seats with regular people, I was changing lives as they broke their necks trying to see how divalicious I looked. VMA finally had to put the LAPD on standby because it was bumper to bumper trying to see all this fabulousness in one take. Okay?

Now, back to Miley. I say whatever’s clever. It’s your life and you’ve been trying to prove it to the public on so many levels, I don’t think you’re as free as you think you are. However, if Madonna’s doing it at 60, 20 is even better. Alright? I really don’t know what to tell you or the people who are so disappointed that you traded your role model robe for a bikini and red lipstick.

Don’t hold your mouth agape, people. Live your life and let Miley’s play out however it may. Don’t raise your children in front of the TV and allow them to find their identities in people they most likely will never meet. It’s your own fault you’re disappointed. You really shouldn’t raise your children to look up to anything human. We all disappoint and, as my pastor at Saint Philips Holy Trinity of Light Tabernacle of Faith says…Where was I?…Oh, yes, we all entertain Michael on occasion. We fall short and backwards, as Totsy did recently, doing whatever we think feels good.

I have, Miley, in the meantime, taken a poll on certain places where botox may suit you the next time you prance it around stage.

Love and  Kisses,

The Bea