It’s All About Relations

Color pencil on paper

Color pencil on paper

Good Sunday, people. My, oh my, have I missed spilling the juice with you. I just stepped out of my Sunday’s best after a good hallelujah at church. I was there praying for a healing of sort to cease this special column I do on Totsy’s blog but the Word came to me to simply be myself and use my gift for gab. You feel me, people? The Bea is back and I could absolutely smack myself for wasting that prayer. Anywho…

I spent last weekend with Mariah Carey, the diva herself, and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was. I ended up leaving her and looks like Nick has too. Or well, maybe she put on a stiletto and kicked him out. Who knows, really. I say ouch to the latter and to the former, Nick is about to start living with a little excitement. He’s such a big kid anyway. Don’t be surprised if you see a tall, black gentleman at Mickey D’s in that big play pin, rolling and tumbling with those balls your kids love so much. Don’t worry. He’s not a pedophile. It’s just Nick living out the childhood he missed after being married to Mama Carey.

Summer is drawing to a close and I’ve searched the highways and byways but still, no sign of a Jennifer Aniston wedding. Just so you know, Jen, you are in my prayers, girl. Word has come down from Brad Pitt’s psychic that he’s still in love with you. If the feeling is mutual, don’t even think about it. Please. All those kids and community property between Angie and Brad, there’s no way he could spread enough love your way for the headache you’re guaranteed to have. If Justin doesn’t make an honest woman of you, I’ll extend an invite to my church. Now, the deacon is on the short and fairly stubby side but he’s an established man with a big heart. Come on down, girlfriend. I’m all about the hook-up.

I understand Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their three-year relationship. In all honesty Meg, I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. You kind of fell off the map when you divorced but that’s not uncommon for divorced women. I’ve tried to figure out what drew you two together in the first place and I can only conclude it was that unkempt way you both have. Maybe you got tired of him not picking up after himself or vice versa. I tell you what, call Jennifer and maybe you all can get a 2 for 1 flight through my church so you can find some good men down south, girl. Deacon Ball plays the tambourine, drums and fiddles on his porch at night. Such a talented man, I figure a woman like yourself could appreciate such skills.

Well dear people, that’s the juice for this fine day. I’m going to enjoy this late evening sun and Skype Francois at sundown. He’s so high maintenance, missing the Bea. He cries in French even. Until next time, peace to the wretched. Walk in love while keeping your ear out for the juice, people.

 

Forever and Truly Yours,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

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24 thoughts on “It’s All About Relations

  1. I love hour direct , humorous take on life. And it comes with punctuation and readable text. I shun the method of the youngsters whose English and ?style? of writing must be corrupted by texting. If they had something to say, I would never know. It is completely un-readable. I read portions of your spilled juice to sister, and she agrees.

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  2. Hey Miss B, I didn’t know about Meg and Mellancamp. How sad for her and too bad for him. You’re right, though. After dumping Dennis Quaid for that affair with the Aussie, Russell Crowe, she became a nobody seemingly overnight. And then she kind of hit the wall, I’m sorry to say, losing her perky cute looks to plastic surgery. When was the last time she was in a film? Bea, I hope you get tot he bottom of this.

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    • I enjoy the unique way you shoot the breeze and I just wanted to let you guys know that Meg Ryan is currently working on her directorial début Ithaca. She will also star in the film alongside Sam Shepard, her son Jack Quaid and her old friend Tom Hanks.
      Mmmm Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan where have we seen that duo before?

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    • Yes, quite sad for them both, losing at love and looking again at their age. Russell Crowe? You mean, Katie Perry’s Russell? Megan does have a type, so we’ll see who she shows up with next.

      I had no idea about the surgeries. Maybe that’s why she’s not on screen anymore.

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  3. Glad to see you back in the buzz, Bea. Poor Meg, she should never had that cosmetic work done. She doesn’t look like cute old self. Maybe that’s why she fell off the map–no one can recognize her… ;)

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