Under the Knife

"Ready Food" Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Ready Food” Digital Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

It’s official. Obesity is now a disease. I’m not sure what to make of it. Other than the fact that I know I need to get some pounds offa me. I know my problem ain’t about no disease. I’ve been pure lazy. Not that I’m obese but I better do something quick, fast and in a hurry. Know what I mean?  This has gotten ridiculous and I’m on my nerves.

First, it was too cold to go out walking. Or, I didn’t have time, Or, I was too hot, OR. OR. OR! You get my drift? Now, the excuse is that I’m tired and my feet hurt and I need my rest and whatever else I can think of. But I tell you the honest truth folks. My feet are hurting today. I am tired and you might as well say when it comes right down to the nitty gritty of my matter, I don’t wanna be bothered with no exercise.

Yeah, I know all about how it makes the dolphins flip and feel good inside of you but I don’t have anymore. They went hunting, swimming or something or another and I’m not trying to hurry’em back this way. I tell you what though. I’m thinking of following thls new trend of getting the fat sucked right outta me. It’s easy and darn near free, with insurance. Matter of fact, I’m gonna have some muscles inserted to all the right places so I’ll look like I’ve been exercising all my life. Know what else? I’m gonna have some legs installed that’ll walk for me and get a whole new face ’cause I’m about tired of this one anyhow. I’m gonna start a charitable organization too, where fat is donated to my non-profit and I, in turn,  feed the hungry and charge all the skinny folk for fat out there wearing leggings like they get a pass just ’cause they’re skinny. Uh. No.

It’s a good plan, if I do say so myself. Why, with folk loving quick food the way they do, I may as well open up a fast food joint. Why not? Y’all all about recycling, right?

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22 thoughts on “Under the Knife

  1. Yeah, I’d order it. Fatback is some good stuff … fried nice n’ crispy between a slice of bread folded over. I couldn’t wait till mama rendered the fat for the greens and let us have a piece! :-)

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    • Oh, I know fatback but I never thought folk ate it. I thought it was just used to cook collards and the like. I remember seeing it floating around in the pot, thinking how gross it was. Had a real bad feel in the mouth boiled, which was always a mistake if it was in my mouth. When you say fried n’ crispy, I think of Skins. I suppose it was the same?

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      • No. The same slices or pieces of fatback that you saw boiled in the greens were sliced and fried until the grease was all cooked out of the fat and the skin was hard. That tasted much better than pork skins actually. Mother poured some of the fat into the greens and called it “seasoning”. That’s what folks called using fat to “season” vegetables. She never boiled the fat in the greens. There was wilted spring leaf lettuce too. Fresh greens washed and thrown in a frying pan with hot bacon fat poured over them to wilt the greens. My folks liked that too.
        We had a large, iron pot built into the top of a brick furnace in our basement. We rendered fat from the hogs that we killed every year and canned the congealed fat in tin cans. You put the fat into the vat (pot) and fed the fire underneath until all of the fat was cooked out of the fatback. The cracklins were delicious! We used them to make cracklin cornbread. Yeah, I’m from the country, Totsy! :-)

        That fatback sandwich? You gnawed around on it until you got everything eaten except the thin strip of skin. Then you chewed on that for a long time! :-)

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        • Dang George, you got my county self feeling like a city girl.
          Now, I am familiar with cracklin, It’s so hard, it’ll break your teeth. It was mighty fun to chew on. I think that’s what it was. Or was it pork rind? Anyway, it was all pig. I don’t remember cracklin cornbread but I’ve heard of it from readings. A heapa things can be done with a pig.

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    • Uh uh, Beverly. If you give chocolate to your dolphins, they’ll wind up lying there and won’t flip a beat. They’ll start poking at your sides and turn them into love handles. :-)

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      • Actually, it can. I remember reading a while back that it can suck up blood vessels and mess you up something fierce. It ended up killing a Motown singer (or the wife of a Motown singer. I can’t remember which and Google is disappointing me.)

        I think I’m going to skip the lipo…

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          • I’ve had about 10 surgeries — none of them cosmetic. There is always a risk. Always. If you’re sick, in an accident and you need it, then it makes sense. But to do it because your nose is 1/20th of an inch too long? Because you won’t diet and/or exercise? It is not to be done lightly IMHO.

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    • My get up and go took a hike with yours.

      It’s been a cool enough summer with all the rain but of course I made time for other activities that involved nothing physical.

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  2. Love this post! I was going write something nasty about skinny people on my blog but decided against it…sort of. I’m too scared to do any surgeries. What you see is what you get. Who am I trying to impress? Don’t answer. I did 5 minutes on the treadmill today and hope my heart appreciates it. I’d enjoy doing a walking group with everyone though. :-)

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    • 5 minutes on the treadmill earns you a nice little cupcake. (Just trying to fatten you up so you can donate what you gain to my non-profit) :-)

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