He’s Just Not Into You…Anymore

"Beatrice in Red Bikini" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Beatrice in Red Bikini” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

It’s a beautiful day in Beatricehood and I’m enjoying this cool, spring evening, doing what I love. That’s right. Chewing the absolute fat. Okay? I’ve only two scoops for you today, people. I must make my presence and the juicyness of Hollywood known, while keeping my C&S status. That simply means cute and sexy, people. Stay abreast of the lingo and you’ll live a long and diva-filled life.

Now, I know a lot of you don’t care for Kim Kardashian. I need you to start, okay? Word coming through the vine is Kanye, her future baby daddy, is spending waaaaay too much time in Paris. You well know it’s the city for lovers. Kimmy is in the U.S. and not getting her bell rung. Meanwhile, Kanye, people (and Kim, if you’re listening), is spending a great deal of time there while she’s miserably pregnant. I do feel terrible for the baby but she/he will be able to buy all the help needed to fix whatever problems he/she may have. I know. It sounds unkind but the hard truth is rarely pleasant. Kanye is involved, Kim. I won’t go any further on who because I’m not insured but be assured, my little porn princess, life will go on and your fans will watch it all as your world keeps turning. You need to call me, girl. But on a You-Go-Girl tip, I like how you turned that sex tape into a money machine. I had something quite similar happen to me before my career took off as a National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent. There are still bootleg DVDs circulating downtown but I was wearing a wig and in full costume. Nobody knows it was me. I’m a church-going woman and I can’t have any leaks of that nature. I practically run the church, if I do say so myself.

And Justin to the Bieber. What’s going on with you, son? If the fame is too much, go sit down somewhere and read a book, honey. It works for some of these kids out here who aren’t beating on photographers. You need to be turned over somebody’s knee. You can’t hit at the papparazzi. They’re doing their job and you have to respect that, Sweetie. That’s one of the prices of fame. Why, just the other day, I was coming out of the restroom at the local IHOP and the hem of my skirt was tucked in my panties. Unfortunately, I was wearing some that day. There were no cameras to take any shots but it would’ve been well worth it than get laughed at by a bunch of nobodys. Take your pick, J. Would you rather be hounded by lights and cameras or get pictures taken under circumstances I found myself in? It’s not a rock and a hard place for me to choose.

I must leave you now, people. I have a busy weekend being fabulous. You do the same.

Signed: Your National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent in the raw,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

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11 thoughts on “He’s Just Not Into You…Anymore

  1. Did you hear Ms. B, there is now a statue of a very pregnant very nude Kim K. on exhibit at a LA art gallery. It is meant to celebrate fertility, the artist is encouraging people to rub her belly.

    Agree with you on the Bieber, he simply needs a good spanking.

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  2. Wow Totsy…thanks for that update on Kim and Justin. Now my day’s complete and I don’t have to worry no more :)
    Do like the painting very much. Nice booty:)

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  3. I think those sad little porn films these people make are just ridiculous. I mean, people, watch a professional one. See how it’s done. There are “tricks” to the trade and you should learn them before you set up that camera in your bedroom.

    What is a Justin Beiber? I hear the name but he rings no bells to me.

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  4. Love the painting. Justin, sadly, seems to be going through that “stage” where people who achieved superstardom in childhood need to be told to grow up. Which road do you think he’s headed down? Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton? Maybe if Usher had some time away from the Voice he’d give that boy a talking to. Thanks for the updates.

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    • He will be just fine. I imagine he’s drinking a little, which is what’s causing this in the first place. Usher never went through this but he did marry a gold digger, which is equally bad. Paris Hilton is a savvy business woman now. Has several perfume lines out and on her way to billionaire status. She was a party girl for awhile and is down to serious business. Justin won’t make it there but I do believe he’ll get it together.

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  5. I couldn’t help hearing the news this weekend that Kim’s given birth and Kanye had been elsewhere. That sure was a weird pairing and now they’ve brought a kid into the midst. But you’re right: they have enough $$$ to pay for therapy. As for the Beebs, well, you said it right: he needs to be put over someone’s knees. But whose?

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