Housewife: a married woman with household responsibilities who is not employed outside the home
Expanded Definition
2) a woman who has the luxury of financially being cared for by someone other than herself; one who jogs/walks every morning with two German Shepherds in city park; shops for fresh produce frequently and has electric car; a vegan who weighs 110 pounds; has been an audience member or panelist on Oprah or Dr. Phil’s Talk Show; most likely a Caucasian female who lives in urban area, craves rice cakes and eats organic peanut butter from jar
3) a woman who can not afford to be at home but keeps quitting jobs; husband has two jobs; one who watches soap operas with a pile of dishes in sink while dipping Oreos in whole milk; loves to phone gossip and watch Housewives Reality Shows; turns husband off sexually because of weight; thinks of running a home daycare but does not want to change diapers or work past five; could be of any nationality or ethnic background
“Cosmo Girl No. 3″ Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
4) a female who is married to someone of the same sex; loves reading mystery and romance novels; pregnant, expecting and married to well-known Hollywood celebrity; loves the attention of being branded celebrity lesbian power couple; a secret cutter; estranged from family and smiles on cue
5) a woman who attends church every Sunday and Bible study every Wednesday; famous for potato salad and three-bean dip; husband travels frequently; has secret crush on pastor even though wife is her best friend; takes classes online to become home health aide; adept in rubbing tits and ass against pastor during crowded church fundraisers
6) a retiree who travels to exotic places with husband to have threesomes; wears costume jewelry and had tiny role in Broadway show as a teen that she manages to squeeze into every conversation; in heaven when eating Haagen Dazs Ice Cream and Godiva Chocolates; spends frivolously; a staunch Republican who frequently writes letters to Elizabeth from The View
7) an unhappy woman with forlorn gaze who engages in extramarital affairs because she has fallen out of love with husband; looks to latch on to next man to take care of her; provides sex to husband twice per month and lays like corpse while he does his business; frequently complains to friends and family of unhappiness; listens to opera after taking Valium
8) a feminist who works from home; writes books on feminism and gay rights; is perhaps a syndicated columnist who thoroughly enjoys ranting; formerly worked as a state representative but lost bid for congress; controlling in bed; typically has short husband who is balding; smells like Ivory soap and does not shave underarm hair
9) a young bubbly person who went to college to find husband; loves Saturday morning cartoons and wears footie pajamas; has no sense of direction and does not know Egypt is in Africa; typically a young white female from west coast with great tan who is often mistook for girl in toothpaste commercial
10) a woman who has beauty shop in home; has business cards printed from VistaPrint.com that says Fatou Braids; obviously an African woman; speaks with deep voice without ever smiling; often has a child staring from floor at customers; will not do hair if customer breaks 3 appointments (trust me)
11) a woman who pretends she does not need to work; always got attitude; keeps nails done; wears weave and wants to be a Real Housewife; will only use dishwasher to clean dishes to avoid damaging acrylic nails which are always freshly done; goes to every Tyler Perry play and always on front row of any event; sleeps in sitting position for three days after getting weave tightened up from home girl, Shenequa; definitely an African-American female
12) one who has never disillusioned herself that a job was ever her lot in life; loves computer and Facebook, where she has 5,000 friends; posts 30 statuses per day and has an Etsy Shop of overpriced homemade goods; owns a Blackberry and keeps it on person while watching TV and on toilet; texts while cooking or eating dinner; wears stylish joggers for comfort and not remotely familiar with exercise
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
All I can say is I’m glad I get wife money. I keep house, cook, do laundry, exercise dogs, shop, and never set foot in a church. I take care of my husband and myself (keeping all cute and everything) and I write the occasional blog post. I am a registered Republican but usually vote Democratic. I love Obama and can’t stand Bush. Know what I mean? I don’t travel to foreign places anymore, because it’s too hard to take my dogs. Besides, my favorite place is my house, where I am a wife! (Hah! Housewife, get it?)
Not every wife is getting wife money. You need to help these women folk out with some classes or something. And while you’re at it, since you you’re “keeping all cute and everything,” help these women out in this area too. I don’t like those Mom jeans they wear with sneakers. I think you’d agree this combination is working against them.
Ack…..does this mean I might be a housewife? I could create #13 select bits and pieces from several and that would be me.
Well done, as always.
Well, this is the truncated definition, without the visuals. Imagine the housewife listening to opera and the Valium working on her. Hmmm…Sounds like a Lifetime Movie.
LMAO! I love these. Thank you for the laugh. I have nominated your words that bring me such joy for the Beautiful Blogger award. http://writewhatuknow.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/beautiful-bloggers/
(passing it along is up to you)
Thanks. And for the award.
Denada.
That’s a funny post!!
Don’t tell your housewife friends I said this.
Serious thought given here
I don’t know anybody like these…well, let me stop. Yes, I do.
You have described 99% of the women I go to church with, dear Tots! I am forever indebted to you for letting me know I am not alone in my “take” on such women!
99%? Well, well Granbee. I think we’ve stumbled on a small discovery here. Now, we must make a pill to fix this problem.
While I didn’t find myself exactly, there are several qualities I could claim. You did good to come up with these definitions.
Inquiring minds wanna know….:-)
Oh no…look what I’ve missed out on – being a divorcee, a career woman and financially independent thanks to self. NOT!
No man has looked after me – not even my dear ol’ dad. That may sound like a sob story. I think of it as a good basis for independent thinking and living. Mom was one fine role model. I had a few great marriage proposals (one man started a very successful airline) but each one meant I had to play a role of support. I couldn’t see any room for self expression so I had to say no thanks.
Now since I’m here sporadically, I have to go back and find out what I missed. The juicy stuff..
You could pass the airline guy over to me, Soul. I’ll be his co-pilot, passenger or whatever.
I saw him being interviewed during a newscast. He looks so very well kept.
I suspect he married well, but I’ve never seen her with him…hmmmmm.
Lordy mercy, what’s wrong with you, woman. Not a thing wrong with being kept when it’s done well. Anyway, do some detective work on my behalf and I’ll cut you a deal.
HILARIOUS Totsymae but also a bit sad..
Yeah, that blend of hilarity and sadness is the stuff life’s made of, you know. But let’s laugh as often as the moments present us.
This is hilarious! I didn’t think I’d see myself here — but I like a few of these women.
Takes all kinds to make the world go ’round…
Wait — are you saying that if I were married, I could eat organic peanut butter from a jar all day and weigh 110 pounds? Where do I sign up for this?
Good question. I think we have to ask the woman eating the peanut butter though. I wanna be like her too.
And here I was, thinking I was a housewife! I could never get away with setting hubby out only twice a month!
I think these women go to the annual housewives convention. Didn’t you get the notice in the mail?