Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae

If somebody told you, “Folk, when you ’round that corner in your office on Monday morning, somebody’s gonna bop you upside the head,” you’d go off in another direction, wouldn’t you? Folks, I wish something or somebody had told me I’d be losing my key to my little villa today.

Now, I came on in the place and looked real good in my purse and laptop bag. No key. I then went on to have me some dinner, which I typically eat around 4:00 but I had a meeting at that time, so I got my grub on around 3:35, right? It was good and all. I’d found me a way to make a nice little veggie sandwich, or sammich to folk taking my Speaking Southern 101 class.

Okay. I went on to the meeting, which lasted a good two hours, ’cause wasn’t nobody but women folk there, except the guy who called the meeting, so you know there was some unnecessary yacking and gripes in there to cause the meeting to drag on as such, right? I mean, damn. It’s like Friday ’cause Thursday and Friday is the weekend over here.

So, we get out of the meeting and I met the fella who manages the little place. When he gets to twisting on the door handle and it won’t open, he goes, “Problem.” I’m thinking, “No fucking kidding, Sherlock.” Let me just tell you, over here, there ain’t no hurry to get jack done. I already know this but also, I see there’s no back-up plan for folk locked outta the villa. You just shit outta luck. His ass left and to this very second, ain’t gave me a follow-up to what’s gonna happen with getting me in the room.

Okay. I start plotting how to get into the room myself, of course. I got to unscrewing every screw I could with a butter knife and you know how badly that can go if you got that cross-like shape on the screw. Damn tip of the knife got to twisting up. I took a rock and beat on the window and the damn thing wouldn’t break. Then, I go back inside the villa and got to unscrewing everything on the doorknob. That didn’t work either, folks.

You know what came next, right? Oh, hell yeah. I became superwoman who’d, apparently, lost her superpowers. My dumb ass gonna go back into the living room for a running start so I could bust the damn door down. Not only did the door not budge a speck but I be damned if it didn’t feel like somebody had bopped me on the head once my shoulder hit that door. Evidently, I wanted to get in that room real bad, right? I give myself another running start two more times and got the same results. Head justa ringing and shit. That was the sign for me to go sit my ass on the sofa to do some thinking on how to get inside that room sensibly, which is where I’m sitting now.

Anyhow, there ended up being some extra keys laying around, which I had to turn this way and that in the lock ’cause I’d already taken the door handle off and tried to bang the lock off with it. I’m telling you folks, that was more work than what I’ve done at work the whole time I’ve been here. When I got in the room, I just dived on the bed and hugged it.

Will this count as my exercise today or will I have to double up tomorrow?

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