"Beatrice Jones" Copyright 2012 Totsymae
People, I hope you’re sitting down. I am. As a matter of fact, I’m all prayed up and laid out on the pew in the Lord’s house. I’m a tad distressed and out of sorts. You see, I was walking downtown on Peachtree and Auburn, not as a hooker or homeless person, but as someone who was legitimately trying to transact business. Well, a different kind of business than a hooker, anyway. And do you know what happened? Of course, you don’t, which is why I’m about to tell you.
It’s been a little on the nippy side down here, so what do I do? Hold your horses, I’m about to tell you as soon as I in and exhale…People, I tripped and fell on an uneven groove on the sidewalk. I’m a God-fearing woman, so if you will, imagine the exclamations in my head as I’m lying on the cold sidewalk and people gawking. No one lifted a finger to come to my aid. No real southern gents in the crowd, just spectators.
As you can see from this snippet of a photo, I’m far from being a size zero. And proud of it, thank you very much. Imagine, if you will, the planning it takes for a woman of my fineness to get up, with some semblance of dignity while my stockings (which I was wearing because of the weather) look as if a freight train’s run through them. Take a moment, please…
Usually, it’s quite hilarious when people fall. It gets deep into my funny bones but ask me if I even thought of smiling as I lay sprawled out like roadside kill. I’m truly done for this day and have no grapes on the vine to share with you from Hollywood. I’m scraped up really well and nursing my pride in the nearest safe haven that had an unlocked door. You’d be surprised at the number of churches that are on lockdown. The young minister that welcomed me inside was armed with a shotgun. I thought a wedding ceremony was in progress. Either that or, you know, Preacher Man was into that artillery/sex/bondage combination. There’s a name for people and things of that nature but of course, being a woman of saintly restraints, I wouldn’t know anything in those regards.
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
There are often no gentlemen in the audience when they are most needed. Other than pride, which goes before the fall, I hope you have no injuries.
I have recovered with the help of alcohol, rubbing that is, and a manicure at the salon. Thank you so much for your concern,
For some reason I had you down as a skinny minnie Totsymae!.. love the self portrait!!
Oh, no no no! Did I forget to tell you I’m a certified chef Paula Dean-style? I can whip it up in the kitchen. Skinny will never be me.
I hope you’ve recovered from your fall, Beatrice. When I was a kid, falling was no big deal. It happened all the time and I hopped right back up again. Now, my whole body aches for days after a fall. Sorry about your stockings, too. They just don’t hold up to contact with pavement.
I feel better after getting a manicure. There is a little stiffness, so I may go back to the spa to see if they can work the kinks out for me. One day, I may laugh at this.
Almost worse than the fall, is that moment where you’ve lost your balance, and maybe…. trying….windmilling…. Nope, splat. Those knee scrapes HURT, too. And then there’s the expense of those ruined stocking… tragedy all ’round.
At least I know to beware of churches in Atlanta, now. Shotguns, huh? Who would Jesus shoot?
Oh my, Beverly. I can now see myself in slow motion. I must avoid that street to duck running into people who may recognize me. Who’d want to be remembered for that?
I was walking in downtown Philly a while back with the streets full of the lunch hour crowd . As I tried to enter the bank a thug was exiting and gave me a surprise haymaker that floored me right to the ground. Not a single person stopped. They just walked around or over me. City of Brotherly Love my foot. I mean jaw.
My, oh my. I’m so sorry to hear this news. We are living in our last days when people in the City of Brotherly love won’t give a hand to lift a brother off the floor. Terrible.
Glad only your pride’s hurt. Am surprised by those church folk. Guns? What’s the world coming to, eh?
As I was reading this, I remembered a spill I took one winter. At a crosswalk, in full view of everyone waiting for the light to change. I sat there for a second — no need to hurry to get up in case I slipped and fell again. Like you, no one stopped to help. I chuckled a little — the got up as gingerly and gracefully as I could.
Only my pride? Oh my. That’s like falling on my head or maybe Totsy falling on hers. Painful is my pride feeling. Oh, I am now reliving that terrible scene. I must avoid Peachtree like the plague.
I’m still fixated on the eyelashes.
“I thought a wedding ceremony was in progress” … haha
I could say I lost the eyelash during the fall but thankfully, I didn’t fall on my eye. That Totsy set me up putting that picture of me half ready.
Come to my island, Beatrice. I hopped onto a divider (about 2 feet high) and my knees buckled – darndest thing I have ever experienced. Embarrassed, I began to get up and a hand appeared. I could see the other hand held a skateboard. That young fellow knew all about pride and bruised extensions!
I took his hand, got up and said, “Thanks. I left my damned board in the car!” He laughed like hell.
There’s honour amongst those of us who careen off structures!
What a nice young man to lend a hand. I do find the young ones are more helpful these days. Those little darlings, I hope, will grow older and keep extending these much needed for damsels in distress,
I’m sorry you fell, but I could not stop laughing from the picture in my head of you falling down and by the way I would love to hear your opinion about brangelina getting ingadged. I only get Hollywood news from you, but today I’m sorry I cheated on you and heard their news on the “today” show.
I shall join you on the laughing trail down the road, Ariana. Not now, however. And did you get a slow motion image of me by Beverly’s comment. Oh, dear. I can hear the words now, “Diva down and not rapidly getting up.”
Ohhh, Tots,
I would have helped you up, dearest, but you probably wouldn’t have taken my hand because of yoru pride and all….
I hope you are okay <3
Did I mention that Totsy was with me and laughing hysterically. Oh, that silly silly woman!
“Usually it’s quite hilarious when people fall” you say. Really? Banana skin syndrome, is it? A spot of healthy Schadenfreude?
I feel for you. In 2009 I walked down a street as happy as Larry (whoever he is). The sun was shining. I smiled at a blond haired boy coming towards me. He reminded me of my son. A moment later my feet buckled and I collapsed like a puppet on a string dropped by its puppet master. Blondie and his friend helped me up. In denial I held out till the next morning before limping into A&E (accidents & emergencies). That one arm was broken was clear – even to me. When they told me the other was broken too (badly) I cried.
Wish all I could have shown for my fall was a bit of stocking. But then, it was summer.
U
Well, I’m so well cushioned, hard to break anything here, thank goodness. Those look-alikes do have a way of sending us off our normal course.
Bea, I’m visualizing this and laughing my ass off. But look on the bright side, at least you didn’t slip on a banana peel!
Oh, I am paranoid now. I must avoid bananas and Peachtree Street.
I hope you’re okay now! I’m always the first to laugh when I fall, just in case! Not to let anyone laugh at me
Well, Totsy had herself a good laugh. I’m rejecting her call as we speak.
Probably no one offered to help Beatrice up off the sidewalk because they were terrified she would publicize it in Holllywood as “inappropriate touching”,you know? Hope all scrapes and bumps are better today!
Sorry you were embarrassed. Actually, I think all the folks who didn’t help you are the ones who should be embarrassed. Where are their manners??????
I will laugh at myself when I fall, unless I am in a bad mood. I hope you feel better. You made me laugh.