"Lonely Sometimes" Acrylic on Board. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
A few years ago, I had a good friend of mine to run into some money problems. Now, I’m not a one percenter or nobody along those lines but I was in a position to help, so that’s what I did. Never did I put him under the gun for paying the money back. The thing of it for me was and still is, if I absolutely need it back, then most likely, you won’t get shit from me. I would try to help you in some other manner but point blank, if what you want squeezes my pocketbook, then you’ll have to find another source. I don’t want money issues to settle between what we’ve got going. You feel me?
Now, if I say to Kim, “Look, I’ve got these ingredients for you to make me these chocolate chip cookies,” or asked The Obamacrat to cook me up a healthful meal and got my mouth all watered for the goods and they didn’t come through, folks, that may be the deal breaker there. Oh, I’m serious about my edibles and whatnots, okay?
Now, should I help you out, ’cause I’d like to think I would, I won’t hold it over your head. That ain’t the way of going about doing nothing for nobody. My thing is, I’ll get what I gave from some other folk. That’s pretty much the law of giving when you think about it. You know, Karma can be a real good friend when you treat her right. Now, there will be times when Karma will have you asking, what the fuck, unfortunately. However, I’d certainly like to think I’ve put out some good Karma and not on account of me wanting something back but ’cause you know, it’s a good thing to do.
There’s this other lesson in giving I learned and sometimes have to keep reminding myself. It came from this fella who was over in Vietnam way back. What he said is that he saw so much over there and how folk were living and all, which taught him to complain about nothing. And he didn’t either. I mean, you read about that sorta thing but for some reason, about three years ago, that became a lot more profound for me. Well, I could tell you the reason but I won’t. We’ll just leave it at that. No need to put you all up and inside of my business since we’re still learning each other, you know. (Rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue)
Anyway, I know whenever I’ve bitched about favors I’ve done for folk, I always feel I may as well hadn’t done it at all if I have to go stomping my feet about it. It really takes the joy and blessing out of giving, however convenient or inconvenient the giving may be. Grace is such a small word but it’s a huge deal if you have it and more often than not, folk recognize it. At least, I do.
(Sigh) I just thought I’d share that with you good folk. You know, to keep you on the up and up or something like that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s these raw foods and banana chips that’s got me musing and shit. I kid you not, they’re actually starting to taste like Vanilla Wafers.
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
You are a good woman Totsy – to the very core. Excellent words for all of us to live by. And I love the way you slip the words fuck and shit into such profound philosophical life-lesson kinds of discussions, as only you can manage to do.
Sometimes I am, sometimes not so. Yes, I get that seasoning of words from a long line of women folk. Interestingly enough, I don’t recall the men in the family being colorful in this way. Hmmm…
Listened and heard. The Reminder Thump? Well received, TM. Well done. Again.
Thanks, Jots. Have some banana chips?
All around…thanks for sharing.
Been there, done that re: helping somebody when I could. Don’t regret it, never held it over his head. But seein’ as he hasn’t done more than lip service to paying it back, not even a token $25, and I could see on FB he’s all going on trips and such, I sure won’t be “helping” him any more. Giving when you can is one thing, being a sucker is another.
Love the idea of Karma being a real good friend. Maybe she and I can paint toenails together.
No. Such favors can’t be granted to everybody. People can burn their bridges that way and it will let me know the character of that person.
Yes, Karma is due to paint my toenails too. I wonder what color she likes.
I really wish I can learn this lesson. I can never say No especially if it’s money, money I don’t have. I borrow to give, maybe becuase the hardest thing for me is to ask for money, so if someone does, I always tend to consider it must be really something important. I have always been disappointed, and didn’t learn yet, but hopefully I will.
It hasn’t always been something I was able to do, Nikky. Saying no isn’t easy but it’s better than stressing out by saying yes or beating around the bush about it.
I’ve learned to do the same thing, Totsy, but it’s one of those things you learn as you get older. I only loan money if I feel like if I don’t get it back, it won’t matter and it’s not putting me in a financial bind. If I don’t feel that way, then the answer is no, and we can still move on. It’s not worth it to lose a friend or family member over money. And it’s definitely not worth the stress of having to remind someone over and over again because I’m not a bill collector.
I agree. That’s just one way to simplify life. Always better to move on than hold on.
I needed that lesson today, I have been musing over some giving I did that recently has been climbing up my spine making me angry. I need to let that go. It isn’t that it hasn’t been returned, I knew when I ‘loaned’ it I wouldn’t get it back, it is how I feel now that that the toxicity is so high it hurts my temper.
Ah well, sometimes I think we just need the reminder to say thank you that I have had the opportunity to reach my hand out to help, because that is really what it was.
Yep, let it go, Valentine. It’s gone now. You’ll get back whatever you gave in a bigger way actually but you have to free up your mind so that you’ll recognize it. Not that I’m some guru or anything but I’ve had to learn that time and again.
Welcome back, Tots. Hope you had a good little time off.
My mother used to quote Shakespeare, Neither a lender nor a borrower be. And she pretty much didn’t do either. My grandmother, on the other hand, would give you the dress off her back if you asked her for it and walk around naked.
I lean towards how my grandmother handled things — I’d give you my last dime and realize, oh shit, I have no money to pay for this or that. But I never worried cause I knew more would come. Wiser now, I’ve learned that I have to take care of me first. I’ve also learned that saying no doesn’t make me a mean person.
I’ve done the shirt off the back too. Gets kinda drafty though.
Totsy, this is the kinda thing I should have read a while ago. I have “loaned” money and “given” money. I always made it a point to never “loan” more than I could afford to lose. I might not “loan” money twice if it isn’t returned, but I won’t ask you for it either.
A couple of years ago, the guy who details our cars called Alex and asked him if he could help him out. It was on a Saturday and his bank was closed. The guy needed to pay for two luxury boxes at the Oakland Raider’s football game and he didn’t have a credit card that would hold the amount. He needed $4000 until Monday. We had known the guy for 10 years and figured he was a pretty good guy. Alex and I talked it over and said “okay”.
Monday came around, and our “friend” did not. It took 4 months to get that damn money back. Now color us stupid, but we really felt like a friend would never do that to a friend who had helped them out. We figured wrong.
Yeah, we could have just eaten the loss,but it was a point with me. I wanted that damn money back. And we found someplace else to get our cars detailed.
Wow. Like, was there a dire need to go to a football game? I don’t see that I’d have given up that kinda dough for a non-emergency, even if he was a friend. And then he tries to not pay back? Umph…Yeah, it’s the principle and some folk have none.
This guy had already invited potential new clients at a big company to the game. That was why he felt a sense of urgency I guess. Oh, but I really did learn a lesson, Yes, for the operation for your baby that will save her life. No, for the Oakland Raiders who aren’t even my team.
Tots,
I LOoooooooVE your new format on your blog.
& I always appreciate your perspective on life.
Xxx Peace. Hugs.
Thanks.
The alter me, I guess.
Hugs.
I try to be a lender when I can be, and repay loans I’ve gotten when I’ve been in tougher straits. It’s more of a challenge though, when you’re married to someone who doesn’t see things that way.
.
That’s the rub.
I actually learned the principle about the money thing from my ex. But then, I guess somebody’s gotta be the one in the relationship to say no.
Maya Angelou taught me “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” If I know “skipping” is their modus operandi, I decline giving or loaning money.
If someone has run into a hard patch and is asking for money, I sometimes say, “I cannot afford a resentment and I’ll have one if I give money that can’t be returned.”
Generally they aren’t sure if I’m saying yes or no. Sincere people will tell me their plan for returning it. They generally have. One, for $100, was so many years in paying it back that I had forgotten. I asked them to give it to the food bank instead. Whether they did or not – well, that’s their conscience which they must have been wrestling with already all those years!
Insincere folks don’t come to me much now. The word’s out that I ask too many questions about what steps they’ve taken toward finding ways to earn it.
A friend? Well, hopefully they don’t have to ask! Hopefully my eyes are open.
Well, gosh. How humiliated one must feel to ask you for a few bucks. Just say no. It’s hard enough for some people to ask for anything.
Yah, That must sound humiliating, Totsy, but I live on a small island. We know each other. The job market is not like other parts of the world. Often we know someone is looking for a laborer or a cleaner or – so my comment is not for a typical scenario.
Out of context and atypical…that’s the life of islanders!
Thanks for mirroring.
I see.
I have laid out a little boost flow from time to time . Some amounts significant some really not that much. All were really a gift and I never expect to be paid back and don’t need it(because I may sell one cartoon each decade which keeps me rolling in dead presidents) but it would be nice if they’d offer. Sometimes I was short till Friday and gave $25 and only getting half a tank of gas. It ought to be appreciated.
Yeah, it would be nice to get it back. And you want people to consider you needing the money back just as much as they needed at the time they asked. Just not so sometimes.
Yep, you can make a chunk of change with your cartoons. I’d like to make a chunk so I can pay off my house.
When it comes to “loaning” money to family or friends, ya just might as well consider it giving.
Love the painting by the way. I’m starting to add color to my ink drawings, and your work is having a big influence on me.
Yeah, that is what it comes to with family.
I look forward to seeing your new images. If only I could come up with new work as often as you.
New design is cool, Totsymae – less is more minimalism – your perspective re ‘art of giving’ works for me everytime. ‘Lonely sometimes’ vibrates with longing and the colours only accentuate her feelings of isolation in a vibrant world, cheers catchul8r molly
Thanks, Molly. It must be the purple eye shadow and red lipstick on what looks to be this abrasive woman in the background.
Grace is indeed instantly recognisable in people and is rare I think.. a great post as ever totsymae.. and the painting is most excellent !
Yes, it is.
Glad you like the painting.
Hi tots, good thoughts here. Really like the new layout and the purple eyeshadow woman.
Thanks and thanks.
There is an old saying that if you want to get rid of a friend, loan him some money. If a friend needs it and you have it, give it and forget about it. As you say, karma knows and nobody else needs to. You are smart to have figured this out.
I’d just stop answering the phone and making myself available. I’ve done okay doing that in getting rid of “friends.” I know, I’m a bit terrible sometimes.
What goes around, comes around and, Totsy, you are wise beyond your years. I say, do a good deed when you can because that Karma will one day come back to you. So, you did good, Tots, you did good.
Thanks, Monica. We learn as we go, you know. I’m glad this is my conclusion.
Tots, I am just crazy about the new look here on your blog! That said, I will go on to say that you really do understand what “grace” is by not holding it over someone’s head about what they “owe” you, you know? Grace is freely, freely, FREELY given! Right on, Sister Tots!
Thanks, Granbee. Less stress this way, you know.
When the intention is pure, the outcome is always positive. That’s why those raw foods and banana chips are beginning to taste yummy.
Giving without expecting a thing in return is true generosity. You are a truly generous person. Rare and wonder-filled.