Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
And then I ate another and one more after that. Until I graduated to a taste here and there of a pan of brownies that I’m real sure ended up being a whole one by the time I was done. It’s not about weight that I shouldn’t be doing this closet eating but well, I shouldn’t be eating that stuff at all. I’m telling you, if this is what it’s like to come off drugs, I can see why it would be a bitch to kick. I want the damn cookies and brownies sometimes but like drugs, it’s not even good for me in moderation right now. I’m telling you folks, I need to be sitting in group therapy. I’ve already had family intervention. But. Like. Well. Why they keep bringing shit to the house without so much as letting me have a taste of it or bring me a healthy version of what they’re eating? So what do I do? I wait ’til nobody’s around to admonish me. They can’t be walking around in my house treating me like a child. Hell, they’re my children.
Little Totsy and Miss Fiancee had been baking cookies and brownies from scratch, which I’d been heavily funding, and finally, I had to know how the finished product tasted. As if I’d never bitten into a damn chocolate chip cookie before. But you better well know that I was on it, dog gone it, back in the day (last year). Every time Mr Boy went off to the store, I’d ensure Little Totsy and Miss Fiancee were well stocked in what they needed for baking. You know how it is. It would give them something constructive to do. I wasn’t counting on falling victim to the aroma wafting from the oven. I’d been so strong for a good while. Now guess what they’ve got sitting in the freezer? Some damn ice cream. A big tub of it too!
And yes, I am a victim. That’s what was projected in the Super Size Me movie. I’m even more of one than the folk in that movie. Well, I bought the ice cream but I didn’t know I bought it until it ended up in the freezer. Oh hell yeah, I ate some brownies and scooped some vanilla ice cream on top. The shit was good too! How many times I did it? I think three times but I’d be safe to say five…Yeah, that sounds more like it.
Matter of fact, if anybody’s got a problem staying away from certain foods, it ain’t your fault. Uh uh. You can point the finger at your parents for even starting the bad food habit. I wouldn’t be in the mode of eating stuff that’s bad for me if I’d never been introduced and reintroduced to it over and over again by the folk in charge of me. I mean, I was an unsuspecting child left to the vices of adults, while trying to figure out 2 + 2. And yeah, I worked out the problem fine but nobody ever said brownie + ice cream x 30 days = fat ass or high cholesterol or high blood pressure or diabetes or shit, in my case, up all night.
So folks, I know some of you may disagree with me but I’ve decided to take my mother to court. That’s right. My lawyer’s gathering all the evidence against her now and we’ll be serving my step-dad up too ’cause he was a manager at the damn grocery store and did occasionally hook me up with damage-packaged products the store wouldn’t sell. Oh, I don’t give a damn if it was washing powders and Comet, he’s getting served with these papers. In a lawyer-chasing-ambulance society, why should I take responsibility for anything? Matter of fact, I have a separate case pending for folk who’ve made me sick. Figuratively speaking, that is.
Think about it. Who can you think of to bring to justice?
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
I love it and I know what you mean; as soon as I remember who turned me on to New England clam chowder, they’re getting served and their surviving relatives as well.
You’d better hurry and remember, K Daddy. Time is of essence. Folk WILL get amnesia on you and like myself, you don’t want this to appear as some frivolous lawsuit.
Thats my twin.
Hehehehe! And you’re over there cooking up sweet cabbage. You may have some suit coming your way, Twin. But I got your back. Lol!!
I love the smell of a court room in the morning babygirl.
I think I’ll skip the court case and just eat the cookies
(and brownies and ice cream). They make me happy. Love the ice cream cone painting!
Oh Shary, the whole purpose of the lawsuit is to win the case to buy more cookies and whatnots. Think long term.
Well, my dad wasn’t around enough to teach me bad eating habits, but he did give me his bad genes. I think I’ve got a winning case on my hands…
Neglect+overeating chocolate+family history of diabetes=A DAMN LOTTA MONEY FROM DAD.
If you wanna use my lawyer, I highly recommend him. He’s all about the money and absentee dads better watch out!
I blame millions of Italians over dozens of centuries. Now the food desires are not a matter of choice but are result of gene manipulation passed on through generations. We no longer have choice. Macaroni, macaroni, bread, bread, and wedding cake.
Here’s a suggestion…blame the person who makes poor food choices, and then lifts those poor food choices to his/her lips…and not any specific ethnic group, such as the Eyetalians?
I hear the Sicilian coming out.
Let me shut my mouth…gotta keep that angry Sicilian in the basement of the soul for now.
Sausage on spaghetti? Never heard such nonsense. I’m gagging too now.
Sicilian sausage was created for spaghetti Twin…real spaghetti is made with sausage, not breakfast sausage, Sicilian sausage…didn’t you watch the cooking scene in the GodFather??
Okay but I don’t eat sausage. And since I ain’t Eyetalian, I ain’t much on the ins and outs of sausage making. Saw a show on Dr. Oz last week and well, if I was thinking about it before, I wasn’t after seeing that show. I’ll just try to fight this battle of eating sweets.
I had to give up pasta. Love myself some spaghetti. Veggie style, anyway. Loved it all the same when I ate turkey. Lordy mercy, whatchu talkin’ ’bout!!
Stop that….pasta belongs buried under a rich, home made red sauce, with Sicilian sausage or Sicilian beef or Sicilian raised Cornish hens on top…..Turkey??? I am gagging right now.
Now, my kids called me “the food nazi” because I would not allow “snack foods” in the house when they were growing up. My husband tries to sneak in the cookies, chips and ice cream and I toss it all down the sink. A square of dark chocolate ain’t bad for you as long as there isn’t too much sugar in it.
Is all this because I’m some kinda saint? No, I’m not. I find if it’s not here, I won’t eat it. Same with folks giving me the 2 pound box of Sees candy. If I open the box, I eat it all. If I give the box of candy to the security guy at the military base when he checks me in, he will flirt with me forever and even notice my new sunglasses.
When you come to visit, you’re going to have to give me a list of what you can and can’t eat. Then I’m gonna fix you up, Girl. You won’t go hungry in my house. You’ll even get some nice poached pears for dessert.
Your kids were lucky and now, so are you now that you won’t be getting a certified letter requesting a personal appearance in a courtroom.
I could do the poached thing. I can pretty much eat nothing.
Seriously, I’ll have to do the vegan kinda thing and I’m learning my way around the grocery store still.
I’m with you on brownies, and a good warm chocolate chip cookie anytime. Ice cream I could take or leave. And I guess I have my mother to thank though she’s not around anymore so I can’t sue. Hmm, now you got me thinking of brownies. Thanks, Totsy!
My mouth waters at the thought of warm chocolate chip cookies, (siiiiigh) Thank you for that lingering image.
Fun post! I can so relate, so in solidarity, I’d like to sue the DAs that manufactured all that light/ lo-cal/fat-free crap, and tried to pass it over as food, to somehow soothe me into thinking that it was better for me! Yeah, I want ALL their damn money!! I say eat real food (in moderation if/when you can), and haul ass later like your life depends on it, because it kind of does…I guess!
I had some low fat ice cream once but it was by mistake. You know, I didn’t read the words and was looking at the pictures. It was alright but I’d rather go all the way. I guess I like living on the edge.
Meatballs are made with Sicilian sausage….not ground beef, that ground beef crap is a strictly American culinary fiasco,
I like fiasco sometimes.
America always “Americanizes” dishes…for instance, Tacos are never made in Mexico with ground beef. They are made with shredded pork, chicken or beef, never ground up meat.
You’ll have to cook it and put it on your blog. Although I would have to substitute the meat with something else, along with not have sodium. Actually, why don’t you fancy up a dish for me on that there blog vegetarian style, Chef.
Yes Ma’am….but most any dish can be made without meat, Just don’t add meat but enjoy the dish as you like it….I can not give up meat. Sweets I can do without, sugar or chocolate I can skip, meat….not so much.
I can’t pass up a brownie or a chocolate chip cookie. If they are in front of me they are gone. Wish I had some will power, but it flew out the window a long time ago. What is tough for me is I watch my parents, both in their 80′s eating maple bars and meatloaf (that’s right…together!) for breakfast and the rest of the day is devoted to deep fried anything…AND, they are healthy as horses.
I know. And they had walnuts in them! I think that’s the part I was trying to get to. It wasn’t so much the brownies.
Why wait until the brownie mix gets cooked and waste all that electricity….eat it raw straight out of the bowl I say ……….Mmmmmm
Oh, Lordy, I am a bowl licker. Now, you given me more ammunition to use against myself.
I’m going to let you in on my simple secret for staying fit and trim well into my 50s (besides the fact that I’m dizzy and sick to my stomach a lot): never–and I mean NEVER–take the first bite. Once I take the first bite of something that’s not good for me, it’s all over but the crying and tugging on of tight pants.
Lorna,
I’d think the first bite is cool….it’s the second and third bites that make you have to tug out of those tight pants. BUT wait…tight pants on a woman is sexy!!!
I just had baked catfish with lemon garlic butter for lunch…gotta have my meat….fish…fowl.
Omega’s good. I do eat fish, so I’m like a softcore vegetarian. I don’t eat shrimp, however.
My dad: always had cheese tidbits and peanuts beside his lazy boy rocker – a never ending supply – there for the taking. My girlfriend: would always melt marshmallows and chocolate chips on crunchy peanut butter and saltines (lots of them) and we would rush on over to her house after school every day to get some (ps. her mom worked and wasn’t home so we ate a ton!)
I need to do what he did and keep something by y chair. I did find some dried cranberries by Ocean Spray that I like. I need to revisit the Asian grocery store again for some goods. You girls, were little rascals but oh, what fun it is to be one.
Oh, Tots, you caught me eating right out of the peanut butter jar, alternating with bites off a Hershey bar! Do you suppose your lawyer would be interest in a classaction suit, joined by millions?
I’m most certain he would welcome such a suit. And since he’s in it to win it, I hear a ching, ching going off in my head already.
OK Totsy, Put the cookies down and step away from the pantry!!! Sorry ma’am, I’ll have to collect all the evidence and
eat it aller… I mean keep it for trial. Sneaking cookies is a serious thing!My one huge weakness on this planet is ice-cream. The premium stuff – the more butterfat content, the better. Thank goodness when I lived in New York I was still young and had a high metabolism. There was this superb parlor (Sedutto’s) that had all gourmet blends. Many a night I would skip dinner and just by a quart of hand-packed Vanilla blended with butterscotch and fudge swirl, and chocolate covered almonds and macadamia nuts. Damn, I’ve got a hankering for some right now.
Okay. Three days now, chocolate-free. (Applause please)
That must’ve been some sho’ nuff good ice cream, Phil. All that detail, I was starting to taste it myself.
Brownie + ice cream x 30 days = fat ass. Well, that’s me, minus the brownie (or chocolate chip cookie).
You could have been describing me — except with me it’s ice cream with a little rum or rum cream.
I definitely feel your pain, Girl!
I think we should all hold hands and make a “We Are the World” kinda song.
–Excuuuuse me, Tots.
Did I miss my brownies in the mail?
Haaaaaaaaaa. I smell them, babe. Oh, Yeah.
As someone who loooooves her chocolate, I know you do.
Stay strong, Totsy! If your parents’ lawyer offers you a pan of brownies to settle the lawsuit, hold out for more.
Sounds like a plan to me.