I know. I’m not accepting awards no more. However, there will be a number of them coming to a TV set near you real soon and I, being the aspiring reality TV celebrity that I am, am implementing my own show of sorts. Don’t be offended if you’re not a recipient. You’re not as deserving as some of these fine guests I’m about to award. These folk in the audience are awaiting to give their acceptance speeches, however reluctant they may be.
Okay, folks. I, Totsymae, am your host. Denzel is co-hosting alongside me and I’ve got The Rock to pull these folk on stage, whom, I strongly suspect, gonna try to act like they don’t hear me calling their name. Oh yeah, get your ass up and come and get your shit ’cause I’ve put in good time for this New Awards Show. If I have to kick off these heels and sling this weave to the side they [Hollywood Head Hunchos, HHH] made me wear for sponsorship, I ain’t got a problem with it. And you don’t want me to take off my earrings. Okay?
Now. There are only two categories on account that this show was done on the low-low. Like, in my den. Do watch your step as you walk up ’cause my boo is up here with me and we ain’t trying to bend down and help nobody up in these fly rags we’re wearing. Plus, I didn’t take out no extra insurance for this special event that wasn’t approved by the homeowners association. Besides, you have plenty money already. Matter of fact, you should be paying me for even thinking about you (rolling my neck and staring down the two folk in the audience).
The Idiot of this Year Already Award goes to Governor of Arizona, Ms. Jan Brewer. Come on up here, girlfriend, and get your shit, honey. First of all, this award comes with etiquette training, which is at the University of Southern Charm down in South Georgia. I will be your instructor and I have the sole right to use duct tape as I see fit. Secondly, fingernails carry germs. During this teacher-t0-student instructional time, should you get mouthy, know that I am highly qualified to kick ass. Unlike President Obama, I won’t be smiling and walking away from you should you put anything in my face. I will resort to my childhood training and commence to whipping your ass. Do know that I shall be victorious, as these special words play in my head, told to me by my mother, “If you come here crying ’cause you got beat up, I’m whipping yo’ ass.” You don’t wanna try your luck with the finger wagging. Trust me, girlfriend. Don’t even go there.
The Idiot Come Lately with Hefty Garbage Bags Award goes to my man, Newt Gingrich. If you don’t get you and that head up here, you better. You were doing fine when you weren’t running for office. Nobody had to think about you. Nobody had to listen to your arrogance and watch you act like some God the “people” really want to lead them. Nobody would’ve known about you trying to be a Mack Daddy, like your good friend, Herman Cain, who was trying to tap ass with every woman he shook hands with. Nobody would’ve had to look at your suit jackets rising above your ass at even the slightest move. You are a greedy one percenter, Newt. All that money you took from Freddie and Sallie could’ve gone to a college student. But no, you’d rather have them holding mops and dust pans. But oh, I do feel you, Newt, are about to get the boot as you continue to open your mouth and talk. Go ahead and say what’s really on your mind, Former Speaker of the House. President Jimmy Carter’s already implied what you are. You are so deserving of this award and then some. If you don’t get up here and accept it, I’m gonna put on my sneakers AND take out my Vaseline.
(Come on, Denny. Get me out of this wig. This thing’s itching the hell outta my scalp.)
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Go get BOTH of them, Tots. And if you need any help, I’ll get your back.
Yes, I will need back up. (High five)
Sneakers and Vaseline? I love it! I’ll get the mop stick.
Back-up No. 2 is here and present. Gotcha.
Worthy recipients, both of them. And each assholes of varying degrees.
Amen to the 5th power.
I’ve got tears from all the laughing. Priceless! You are too too funny. And correct on all counts. Love it when you kick ass.
They are so worthy, I couldn’t resist.
Another great posting……..
Thank you.
I must now muse on something worthy.
I feel like it might be a long awards season with more to come.
Unfortunately, I can’t disagree with you.
I’m so with you on both of them, but you forgot one more , how about Rick Santorum! He deserves your award too, I hate to see him left out.
He did pop up in my head, believe me. But I didn’t wanna go on and on. He does have Newt-like characteristics.
I have never in my life seen so much blatant disrespect for the man in the Office of the President. One man calls him a “liar” on the floor of Congress. That Arizona bitch deemed it appropriate to stick her finger in front of the President’s face. Excuse me?
Newt is actually a pretty smart guy. He’s getting ignoramuses worked up with is rhetoric. Newt knows his audience. They are loving his messages. As a Mexican woman, I find his attitude toward Hispanics repulsive. I equally resent his condescending attitude toward black people. (“Get them off welfare and food stamps and get them jobs.”) Newt knows the who great majority of public services such as welfare and foods are given to. He also knows “she’s white”.
This award ceremony is right on the money. But I would leave the vaseline out of the picture where it comes to Newt and the sneaker. I would also substitute my stiletto for the sneaker.
Newt is a smart guy but his idiocy and arrogance overrides what could benefit him. It’s not like no one knew who he REALLY was, he’s just a taste away from actually saying it. Between your stilettos and my sneakers, he WILL need protection.
I absolutely love this idea for awards. Can I help you give the Brewer lady etiquette lessons. I am so angry at her for disrespecting the office of the president, and then not even apologizing, that I’d really like to give her a talk down. Notice how I don’t even deign to call her Governor Brewer. She doesn’t deserve respect if she can’t give it herself. Too bad the secret service didn’t wrestle her to the ground, seeing how she appeared to be a threat to the president.
Be my guest, Monica. She may require some overtime.
I had good laugh reading this post. The awards are right on the money!
Oh, tots, you are just priceless. I don’t even know the woman but I can picture her. Unfortunately, Newt is known to us over here. He’s almost as much in our TV rooms as he is in yours. Typical, huh?
There are lines in this here post worthy of their own Oscar, esp this one: “Nobody would’ve had to look at your suit jackets rising above your ass at even the slightest move.” Love it! And Denny and the wig business … just perfect.
You’re not missing anything. And yes, it is unfortunate that you’re over there in Australia and have the same taste in your mouth of what’s expressed in the states. I have to thank both recipients of the Idiot Award for the writing. I could never have made this up by myself.
Whoo! Hilarious!
Ah, yes, I needed that. Good stuff.
Thank you. Enjoying your poetry over there too.
We shall meet again.
Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark…
The man of so many words can share so few today. I understand. I’m spent on these two.
If you’re going to dole out awards for idiocy to politicians, you’re going to need a mass production facility. You may even need to off-shore the production to China, lest it cost the taxpayers a lot of money. Oh wait, our politicians are already costing the taxpayers a lot of money.
My sides hurt from laughing. You’re so good. There really should be an award called “It Ain’t You,” LOL LOL
The governor should be glad the president’s mother taught her son to behave properly. (The devilish side of me wishes I could have seen her try that with Harry Truman.)
I’ll say. She’d have never tried that with Truman.
This is hilarious! I found you first via Coco, then through your “Twin”. The first time I saw A pic of Jan Brewer in Obama’s face, I got into “Sister girl, I know you don’t understand” mode…looking for a jar of Vaseline and popping off my invisible earrings!! And as for Newt, he still looks like a fat Chuckie to me! So can relate! Nice “meeting” you. Looking forward to subscribing!
Thanks for swinging by.
I sure hope there’s enough Vaseline to go around.
Nice meeting you too.
hahah.. very well said.. Both of them really deserve this award.
Yes, they do. For time sake, I cut it short.
Okay, by now, my neighbors are definitely on the phone calling Bellevue to get me. I’ve been laughing like a crazy person down here.
Seriously, though, I could not believe that woman could be so disrespectful of the POTUS! And she wasn’t even contrite about it, no apologies, no nothing. WTF?! Where does she get off? She’s damn lucky, that’s all I can say.
As for Newt: I’m so sick of his arrogance and hypocrisy.
You done good, Girl.
And do you remember Newt’s let’s-hold-hands stance during the initial debates and pretty much being the peacemaker when the other Republicans were attacking each other? Now that he’s caught a fan base, he’s attacking Romney. He didn’t even take himself seriously in the beginning, as he hadn’t even filed all his papers in his home state. Yes, he’s full of a lot of arrogance and a whole buncha other stuff.
(high five)
Way beyond excellent,Tots. Hey both that guvner woman and Newt are SO disrespectful of the POTUS! They apparently were never reared, they were jerked up, as we say down South! Didn’t they ever hear of “Respect the office, not necessarily the man.” Downright unpatriotic, those two. And Newt? (so appropriate his name, don’t you think? He is about THAT big!) You are right. He will shoot off his own head before long. Our esteemed past POTUS and past governor of Georgia definitely has it right!
One of us needs to put a switch to them tails and guess what? They have to go out and pick their own.
Such a large field of possible candidates. Did you and Denzel stay up all night trying to decide on the winners? I hope so. I also hope it wasn’t all business…
Oh no, it’s never all business.
Be a rebel!
With a cause!
I’m glad Santorum didn’t get a mention, lest you get flagged for pornographic material. Good work!
Porno? Why’s that? I must’ve missed something on him. But he was on my mind. Believe that.
Kudos to you for saving the worst for last!