I know. I’m not accepting awards no more. However, there will be a number of them coming to a TV set near you real soon and I, being the aspiring reality TV celebrity that I am, am implementing my own show of sorts. Don’t be offended if you’re not a recipient. You’re not as deserving as some of these fine guests I’m about to award. These folk in the audience are awaiting to give their acceptance speeches, however reluctant they may be.
Okay, folks. I, Totsymae, am your host. Denzel is co-hosting alongside me and I’ve got The Rock to pull these folk on stage, whom, I strongly suspect, gonna try to act like they don’t hear me calling their name. Oh yeah, get your ass up and come and get your shit ’cause I’ve put in good time for this New Awards Show. If I have to kick off these heels and sling this weave to the side they [Hollywood Head Hunchos, HHH] made me wear for sponsorship, I ain’t got a problem with it. And you don’t want me to take off my earrings. Okay?
Now. There are only two categories on account that this show was done on the low-low. Like, in my den. Do watch your step as you walk up ’cause my boo is up here with me and we ain’t trying to bend down and help nobody up in these fly rags we’re wearing. Plus, I didn’t take out no extra insurance for this special event that wasn’t approved by the homeowners association. Besides, you have plenty money already. Matter of fact, you should be paying me for even thinking about you (rolling my neck and staring down the two folk in the audience).
The Idiot of this Year Already Award goes to Governor of Arizona, Ms. Jan Brewer. Come on up here, girlfriend, and get your shit, honey. First of all, this award comes with etiquette training, which is at the University of Southern Charm down in South Georgia. I will be your instructor and I have the sole right to use duct tape as I see fit. Secondly, fingernails carry germs. During this teacher-t0-student instructional time, should you get mouthy, know that I am highly qualified to kick ass. Unlike President Obama, I won’t be smiling and walking away from you should you put anything in my face. I will resort to my childhood training and commence to whipping your ass. Do know that I shall be victorious, as these special words play in my head, told to me by my mother, “If you come here crying ’cause you got beat up, I’m whipping yo’ ass.” You don’t wanna try your luck with the finger wagging. Trust me, girlfriend. Don’t even go there.
The Idiot Come Lately with Hefty Garbage Bags Award goes to my man, Newt Gingrich. If you don’t get you and that head up here, you better. You were doing fine when you weren’t running for office. Nobody had to think about you. Nobody had to listen to your arrogance and watch you act like some God the “people” really want to lead them. Nobody would’ve known about you trying to be a Mack Daddy, like your good friend, Herman Cain, who was trying to tap ass with every woman he shook hands with. Nobody would’ve had to look at your suit jackets rising above your ass at even the slightest move. You are a greedy one percenter, Newt. All that money you took from Freddie and Sallie could’ve gone to a college student. But no, you’d rather have them holding mops and dust pans. But oh, I do feel you, Newt, are about to get the boot as you continue to open your mouth and talk. Go ahead and say what’s really on your mind, Former Speaker of the House. President Jimmy Carter’s already implied what you are. You are so deserving of this award and then some. If you don’t get up here and accept it, I’m gonna put on my sneakers AND take out my Vaseline.
(Come on, Denny. Get me out of this wig. This thing’s itching the hell outta my scalp.)