"Cosmo Girl No. 3" Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
Folks, folks, folks. Where or how I caught myself a stomach virus, I couldn’t begin to tell you but if you’ve ever had one, you know it ain’t nothing funny. A right miserable feeling, it is. I couldn’t even eat a grape without that whole sick feeling rising up in me again.
Naturally, I’m thinking, “I’m sick as a dog. How can I look cute ’til I’m back up and running?” And just how do you maintain cuteness when you feel nauseous and wanna puke at the thought of food or shit, just sitting and trying to watch a TV program?
Here’s what I’ve figured up:
Rule No. 1: Keep your ass clean. Don’t fight against taking that second or third shower in the course of the day. It’s absolutely mandatory to smell freshly bathed. Some folk see that feeling ill is prime time to act all weak and skip out on soap and water. It’s not and you really oughta be ashamed of yourself if you do. You were taught better and you know it. Don’t even give yourself ample time to build up a stank. If folk ain’t coming to see you, let alone ringing your phone with a how-you-feeling, don’t try to go feeling sorry for yourself like nobody cares. Obviously, you’ve planted a certain image in their heads they can’t rightly shake. Even a phone call with you breathing in their ear is too much ’cause you probably don’t do teeth either, during this critical time.
Rule No. 2: Don’t be in public hocking up shit. Not only is it nasty, it’s an unattractive sound, whether coming from a man or woman. If you’ve got yourself some remnants of sickness and trying to get out to make yourself feel better, you especially don’t wanna carry on this foolishness in a restaurant. That’s some rude shit, okay. Get up and take that mess to the restroom and stop ruining it for everybody within earshot.
Rule No. 3: I know we’re in the thick of winter in some places but flannel pajamas ain’t gonna do a bit of good for your look when you’re feeling down and out. Keep a drawer set aside for you “sick pajamas” that’ll make you look desirable even if you know you ain’t gonna put out. If you’ve got a significant other, that’s all the more reason to have one. I don’t care how much that other person loves you, be easy on the eyes while dealing with snot tissues and whatnot. And smile through the pain every now and then. It’s bad enough you’re around the house moaning and groaning but damn if you have to look it.
Rule No. 4: Slap on you some smell goods ‘stead of walking ’round the house smelling like Vick’s Vapor Rub or like you just came from using the toilet and whatnot. You ain’t hardly right for leaving such a scent in your trail. If you’ve got folk visiting with you and they only hang around for about 5 minutes, that’s probably why. That damn Vick’s will blow folks’ nose clean off their face. Don’t make folk suffer through the smells of your sickness. And you especially don’t wanna pack this on after not washing your ass. Rule No. 1 is so very, very vital.
Rule No. 5: Comb and brush your hair. I mean, really, folks. Don’t go around looking all matted up and ain’t got no lilt to your shit. And this ain’t just directed at women. Men folk, y’all would do well to invest in some Spray n’ Lift too. Trust me, ya’ll can be an eyesore if your shit ain’t tight either. Just carry yourself the best you can as if your boss were at the house and in that ass. Besides, you should be putting on your best performance at the house anyway. Don’t go all sloven on these women folk ’cause you think when you get home, the job’s done and you’ve caught a little bug that’s going around the office. Oh, hell naw! Get your ass up and take out that trash.
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Oh, Totsy, that’s such great advice. I haven’t gotten sick yet but I will keep a pair of “sick” pajamas handy. Hope you’re better soon!
Thanks, Monica. And I hope sickness passes you by. Do keep all manner of “sick pjs” handy though. As we’re in the new millennium and living with our laptops or whatever technology in hand, we can’t look all homey, even if we are at home.
Keep all internal functions working and clean.
Sounds something like an enema to me, Peter.
Well, you made me feel better anyways. Get well and even sexier real soon.
Thanks. Glad you’re feeling better.
Oh, my goodness that was cracking me up!
Feel better soon.
Thanks, Dienna.
I know people who are not sick who need to follow these tips. After all this is the 90′s and we gotta keep our groove up.
So important to broaden your social circle, Carl.
Having been varying degrees of sick and tired since Christmas, I can related to this post. You advice is very helpful. You can pull, however, pull off the flannel in public if your coat is long enough. Trust me on that one!
Since Christmas? Sorry to hear that.
Ahem…you’ll have to post a photo of you in those pjs and coat to prove it to me. I’m not that creative enough in my imagination to picture that one.
I’m just recovering from a two-week old bout of a nasty flu and bronchitis. I can likewise relate to it all. I have to laugh because you sound just like my wife, making sure I wash my hands and face three million times a day. I’m with you on this one Tots. The shower is a great place, especially when you’re sick just to let that hot water run down your neck and face. Helps you feel good for a few minutes at least. I’m glad that the worst of it is over.
Yep. Water’s one of those healing agents we tend to overlook. And like you said, it’s more than just for bathing. It’s kinda like aspirin.
More like ass-pirin. I laughed the whole way through. Sounds like the same advice my mom gives, ‘death is the only excuse for not washin’ yo’ ass!”
Whoo.
Smelling like Vicks Vapor-Rub was the nastiest part of being sick as a kid. It worked though. Nice paintings from you lately.
Yes, it does work but it’s the darnest odor to get rid of.
Glad you like the paintings.
I’m so impressed that you’re able to write when you don’t feel well. When I’m sick, I hide under the covers until I’m better. At least no one can see me there so it won’t matter if I don’t follow your excellent advice.
Feel better soon!
Yes, Shary. You must write through the pain. No matter if it’s incoherent, you can work it out later. Pierre-Auguste Renoir created some of his best and most famous paintings as his hands became more debilitated with rheumatoid arthritis. A prolific and productive artist he was, from which I learned.
Hahaha!
You’re crazy, Val. Love ya, girl.
Just goes to show you that topics never stop, even when you’re sick. Sometimes it gives you food for thought – great post and SO SO SO TRUE! Love it! Feel better! I keep up with NYC weather because “Lucy Jr” lives there. Rain and cold, take care.
Oh yes, you have to keep the wheels oiled and in motion. I’ve learned after a long delay of not writing.
Today, I am much better. Thank you.
Love it! I always do my hair and try to look good even when I’m at home. I have been mocked for that but they’re just jealous.
I do admit to having a liking for the smell of Vicks though. My husband thinks I’m addicted.
I didn’t realize Renoir had RA. I do too though I’m not bad off right now, it is quite painful. That gives me a whole new respect for him. Thank you!
Yes, looking at his work, you’d never know he had a disability. Such tenacity!
Hubby must be happy with you looking gorgeous while you’re not feeling your best. He’s luckier than most guys.
Totsy, I agree with every thing you said. You just never know who is going to show up at your door. I was feeling kinda poorly and sitting at the computer with last nights mascara smudged under my eyes, my hair looking like a fright wig, and a boob hanging out of my torn not too clean silk nightgown. I did smell like Coco (Chanel), though so all was not lost. I heard the dogs making a mess of noise and looked out the window. There was a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses right up on my front porch. Their men folk did not look as dismayed at my appearance as the women folk did. I’ll tell you that much. Still, it taught me a lesson. Keep doing just what I’m doing and next time it could be Brad Pitt leaving that skank Angelina.
Now, I know you know better than that. But I guess all of us have our moments.
Skank Angelina? Like I always say, You’re something else! Lol!!
Hilarious! Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you. Today is better.
Hope you feel better soon. But I am going to invest heavily in billboards all over that say this:
Rule No. 2: Don’t be in public hocking up shit. Not only is it nasty, it’s an unattractive sound, whether coming from a man or woman. If you’ve got yourself some remnants of sickness and trying to get out to make yourself feel better, you especially don’t wanna carry on this foolishness in a restaurant. That’s some rude shit, okay. Get up and take that mess to the restroom and stop ruining it for everybody within earshot.
Brilliant. Perhaps I can even afford the electronic billboard at baseball games.
Thanks. We can go half and half on the billboard.
I’m in.
On the one in the baseball park, can we please add something about scratching of de butt and arranging one’s junk?
LoL!! Quite a visual there.
Tots, you have entertained and educated all at once here about how not to give into the winter blubberings and slobberings. A wonderful hot soak in a tub, with lavendar sprinkled around everywhere and candles lit and that morphy kind of world music playing, better with sitars–that will do it for me. And yes, they do make warm gowns that are pretty, okay? And keep your cold at home–no going into public until you are no longer streaming from any orifice whatsoever–and I do mean ANY orifice!
I think I may be good to go. I stayed in so I wouldn’t give off any orifices and whatnots. I shall breathe outside the doors of the house tomorrow, to change the scenery, you know.
Rule No. 1: Keep your ass clean.
HaahAaaa.
Tots, you are toooooooooo much.
) Luv Ya. Feel better, Please. x
Thanks, Kim.
Hope I’ve nipped that bug in the rug.
Ha! I know some people who should read this!
I really hate that hocking mess. Makes e feel evil.
Yup, looking cute while sick is like wearing clean underwear just in case you find yourself on a gurney and hospital crew are cutting off your jeans while trying to treat your injuries.
You never know …
Oh and clean undies is of course always a priority regardless … unless one does not wear them.
Yes, we have to prepare for the unexpected, much like a soldier of war. Being a casualty ain’t hot.
Good tips. Love the sick pajamas — I’ve got one. I also used to have sick sheets…hahaha!!!
Feel better, Tots!
Sick sheets? Now, that’s really being prepped. I had some silk/satin ones and slipped right out of bed,
Today, I’m all good. Thanks.
What a writer you are Totsymae…I love your “voice”
Thanks.
Totsymae,
You’re too sexy for your blog lol. I hope you feel better soon. Holding it down seems like a cruel pun at this time
Now you know I am over here DYING. Rule No. 3 nearly threw me out of my chair. It’s a shame when people get sick and all common sense flies out the window. And can I just say that I hate, hate, hate, when people hawk around me. SO NOT SEXY, never mind nasty. Thankfully, I don’t have to remind many people of their transgressions ha ha but we can start a circulation of this to underscore what NOT to do. Great post!
I’m better today. Thanks.
I may be strange but I don’t even like nose-blowing. People do that in restaurants too. It’s thoughtless.
Priceless tips. I can’t even pick out my favorite, but I am leaning towards #1. Great stuff.
‘Don’t be publicly hocking up stuff’ – best advice ever. It should be on the side of a bus.
I hope you feeling much better. Good to see other people posting when they under the weather.God Bless
You are so right! About everything. Especially looking as well as we can while ill. I was just ill for about a week, didn’t know we could pass it to each other this way but apparently so, LOL Anyway. I gave myself a talking to, said, lissen’ you will feel better if you just shower and put clean pjs on. And I did. Don’t know if I looked any better but I sure “stank” purty
[...] TotsyMae, ignore away TotsyMae … just wanted to share your words. [...]