Folks, folks, folks. Where or how I caught myself a stomach virus, I couldn’t begin to tell you but if you’ve ever had one, you know it ain’t nothing funny. A right miserable feeling, it is. I couldn’t even eat a grape without that whole sick feeling rising up in me again.
Naturally, I’m thinking, “I’m sick as a dog. How can I look cute ’til I’m back up and running?” And just how do you maintain cuteness when you feel nauseous and wanna puke at the thought of food or shit, just sitting and trying to watch a TV program?
Here’s what I’ve figured up:
Rule No. 1: Keep your ass clean. Don’t fight against taking that second or third shower in the course of the day. It’s absolutely mandatory to smell freshly bathed. Some folk see that feeling ill is prime time to act all weak and skip out on soap and water. It’s not and you really oughta be ashamed of yourself if you do. You were taught better and you know it. Don’t even give yourself ample time to build up a stank. If folk ain’t coming to see you, let alone ringing your phone with a how-you-feeling, don’t try to go feeling sorry for yourself like nobody cares. Obviously, you’ve planted a certain image in their heads they can’t rightly shake. Even a phone call with you breathing in their ear is too much ’cause you probably don’t do teeth either, during this critical time.
Rule No. 2: Don’t be in public hocking up shit. Not only is it nasty, it’s an unattractive sound, whether coming from a man or woman. If you’ve got yourself some remnants of sickness and trying to get out to make yourself feel better, you especially don’t wanna carry on this foolishness in a restaurant. That’s some rude shit, okay. Get up and take that mess to the restroom and stop ruining it for everybody within earshot.
Rule No. 3: I know we’re in the thick of winter in some places but flannel pajamas ain’t gonna do a bit of good for your look when you’re feeling down and out. Keep a drawer set aside for you “sick pajamas” that’ll make you look desirable even if you know you ain’t gonna put out. If you’ve got a significant other, that’s all the more reason to have one. I don’t care how much that other person loves you, be easy on the eyes while dealing with snot tissues and whatnot. And smile through the pain every now and then. It’s bad enough you’re around the house moaning and groaning but damn if you have to look it.
Rule No. 4: Slap on you some smell goods ‘stead of walking ’round the house smelling like Vick’s Vapor Rub or like you just came from using the toilet and whatnot. You ain’t hardly right for leaving such a scent in your trail. If you’ve got folk visiting with you and they only hang around for about 5 minutes, that’s probably why. That damn Vick’s will blow folks’ nose clean off their face. Don’t make folk suffer through the smells of your sickness. And you especially don’t wanna pack this on after not washing your ass. Rule No. 1 is so very, very vital.
Rule No. 5: Comb and brush your hair. I mean, really, folks. Don’t go around looking all matted up and ain’t got no lilt to your shit. And this ain’t just directed at women. Men folk, y’all would do well to invest in some Spray n’ Lift too. Trust me, ya’ll can be an eyesore if your shit ain’t tight either. Just carry yourself the best you can as if your boss were at the house and in that ass. Besides, you should be putting on your best performance at the house anyway. Don’t go all sloven on these women folk ’cause you think when you get home, the job’s done and you’ve caught a little bug that’s going around the office. Oh, hell naw! Get your ass up and take out that trash.