Watercolor on Paper. Copyright 2012 Totsymae
You remember your first crush? I know. How in the heck might The Sniff Test remotely relate to that giddy time of wonder and innocent lust when I was 12 years old? It shouldn’t but if you’ve been hanging out with me for a slight period of time, you very well know ole Totsy ain’t quite led the straight and narrow path to Happyville as you, so fortunately, have. I, my good folk, have taken the backroads to the strange path of Happy and got my groove on anyhow, so that I could come to you, straight from my laptop to yours, to tell you how to sniff out a worthy crush.
Before I go on, in my own defense, this was a happenstance typa situation that started, I’ll say, a year or so back before I ever knew the workings of a crush. No, actually, I was around 10. So, let’s make that two years ’cause I wanna gather my facts as precisely as Newt Gingrich, ’cause, I too, am a historian of sorts, given the nature of this here blog and me letting y’all all up and inside of my business from time to time.
So. I’m around ten, which makes my little sister four. Oh, we were far in age but we were tight. As the big sis, what I did, she did, and then some, really. Also, what she did, I did, if I was so inclined to take up an interest. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Self, what in God’s name would make a girl of 10 follow up behind a four year old child?” Well folks, looking back to them ole days, where we snacked on honey from the honeysuckles and threw them little red thingies from the sticker bush at folk and damn near put folks eyes out from funning around, I was my sister’s keeper. We were tight as, well, I can’t rightly figure up an analogy to define it but count on the fact that we were tight.
Well, folks, my sister was a bit of an adventurer. To break it on down to you on the for real side, she was a little wildchild. Had a bush of hair all over her head and we called her Afro back in them good ole days I’m readying to tell you about.
Now. There was this one instance where my mama had her some company over. He was a fine gentleman. Tall too. I remember well. Naturally, if he was over for a spell, he was sitting and keeping good company with my mother. Right? I can’t tell you what got Afro the notion that when this man left for the bathroom that she should hightail it over to the chair he was sitting to sniff his seat. I couldn’t tell you at the time it occurred but the apple ain’t never far from the tree, is it, folks? It so happens an auntie of mine had this same little sick fetish as Afro, back when she was a girl too. And guess who else got into the mix of this dumb shit? That’s right. I was sniffing right behind this little ass four year old, even after she had her nose all scrunched up to indicate the man had a stank ass. Oh yeah, we were like frat sisters too, you may was well say.
Okay. Come two years later, I get this crush on this person I had no business crushing on. He was too old, for one. Probably around 20. He also happened to be the brother of my auntie’s husband. This is the same auntie who sniffed seats back in the day too. Well, he was sleeping on the sofa one morning when we were visiting with her. We saw him there, laying on his stomach, right? Eventually, he got up and two years later, yes, we’re still sniffing seats like Dumb and Fucking Dumber, okay?
Like clockwork, she goes in first and gives me the he-so-stank sign. Now, she knew I was crushing on this man. I’m thinking, “No, the sofa can’t possibly stink. He was laying on his stomach.” I didn’t wanna believe Afro, who’s now 6, and me, 12. Naturally, I had to mosey myself on over there and sniff the damn sofa and I’m telling you, folks, it was stank. The first crush I ever had didn’t wash his ass and I was through with him from then on. It was devastating, if you wanna know the truth. Of course, I could never look at him the same and to fill you in on the whole truth of the matter, I was embarrassed that Afro knew about his stankness on account of this crush she knew I had on him.
What brought your crush to a crashing end? I bet it wasn’t on account of you sniffing chair seats, was it?
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This truly crack me the hell up, I needed a good laugh with the day I had! Let me say Wow to this post!
It’s like, who thinks to do anything of the sort. All kindsa folk out there, ain’t it?
Ummm…sis..i dont recall sniffing seats. Dont try to put that on me..lol.
Hit dog will holla, won’t it? Don’t eeeeeeeeeeven deny it.
Nothing wroung with a sniff or two among friends. LOL
Hehehe!
Still, I’m a sniffer to this day but I’ve evolved from chairs and sofa seating.
Not sure who is weirder here: The sniffer or the one who doesn’t wash. Maybe both deserve each other.
Which reminds me: When Napoleon was done fighting he’d send word to his beloved Josephine: “Don’t wash. Will be home in three days”. Yes. The power of smell.
U
I’ll take the guy behind door number 2, who’s holding the bar of soap.
I was so happy when I started reading this that I thought you said “how to sniff out a worthy tush”. Well, same difference as I went on to read. I, by the way, limit my sniffing to bicycle seats
“Ahem…so is this an ongoing behavior you have, Mr. Hansi?” I ask while jotting notes on my yellow pad, as you make yourself comfy and cozy on the couch.
As usual, laughing my ass off.
Now, you know it’s too early in the morning for that.
Tots, my sense of smell just went south, WAY south! One of these days, one of these days—-as my grandfather used to say shaking his head at us cousins up over his head in a giant old pecan tree hanging over his tractor shed! Talk about being able to smell all the gunk wafting up from the guys working underneath! Now why did I suddenly just remember with my nose the way an older cousin’s hands smelled after shucking and silking a whole tub full of sweet yellow corn fresh from the garden? THAT is a smell worth having a crush on, girl! Girl, you are going to get me in SO much trouble with the “well-behaved ladies” patrol around here!
Oh Granbee, I hate you’ve lost your sense of smell. You don’t know what you’re missing with those chair seats.
Hahaha, I’d love to see the he-so-stank sign!
Had several crushes but no, none came crashing down because of that though I can’t remember why they did. Probably just grew out of it. Had a crush on a cousin who came from the UK to spend the summer. He was fine! We danced together at our church’s garden party. I was so giddy, I doubt my feet touched the ground on the way back home. Even though he returned several times after that summer, I’ve never seen him again. Doubt I’d recognize him if I saw him now.
Oh, the sign was a face like you wouldn’t believe in a silent kinda way.
You’d probably look at Cuz now and think, how the heck did I take a liking to him so hard. And you know…I wouldn’t recognize this crush I had if I saw him today either.
Reblogged this on adultcollegestudents and commented:
Loved it z we all haf a first crush. Great writing
Thank you for reblogging. I shall pay you a visit to thank you more formally.
You made me splutter my coffee and inhale some of it. Kids are funny. We were sort of horrid too. But we were not seat sniffers. Stank ass people were free to walk around us and we were unaware. I may start doing that now though. The only reason I didn’t do it as a kid is because I never thought of it.
So sorry about the coffee.
Yes, we were a horrid pair, alright. Just don’t get caught on camera sniffing. You certainly don’t want any proof of this sniffing business.
Oh damn! This truly craked me up. Only you, Totsy, would blog about this and pull it off so well!
Hehehehe!
Glad you got your laugh on. I’ve heard stranger things from folks, so I thought this might be a safe item for discussion.
I love your raw honesty, Totsy. No one tells it like it is like you do, and this one’s a doozy. Thanks for a good laugh!
Thanks, Monica. Glad you enjoyed.
Never heard anything like it……..in all my born days
Well, did you read the comment just below yours. A governor got caught on tape sniffing. I am, as she said, in good company.
oh my, my, my.
Hey tots, you and Afro are in good company. There’s a politician over here — he was a Premier of a state, like a Governor to you guys — who was caught on camera sniffing the chair his assistant had just got up from. For weeks afterwards, he was asked in interviews about the seat sniffing. Everyone kept a straight face and he just went right on being a Governor.
Brilliant post!
Now, this CRACKED me up!
But oh my, I would’ve loved seeing his face when that question was posed.
And I will certainly enjoy the company I’m in. You just don’t find chair sniffers at every corner you turn, you know.
Sniffing….
That’s how doggies do it, man.
You. Always. Crack. Me. Up. Xx
I am still a sniffer, as is my sister, to this day. Not chairs, of course, but the legacy lives on, no less.
OK, Totsy, I have one along the same order for you.
I was 20 and in the hospital with colitis — poop probs. The resident, Jed, was young, handsome and I was madly in love with him. My real doctor and I were in my room, where he had me in the knee-chest position so he could shove a scope where the sun don’t shine. As I was in position, with my head thankfully in a pillow, I heard Jed, who had been nowhere nearby, say, “can I do it, Doc? Nipped that crush in the butt.
How awkward….I think I’ll stick with chair sniffing.
Had a crush on vodka for 35 years. Made “love” daily. Been divorced for almost 10 years and no desire to get back together.
My hat off to you, Carl. We’ve all crushed on something or someone not conducive to us.
Hi Totsy,
This should be filed under Secret Confessions lol. It’s a very odd habit but kids are crazy, no doubt. I remember my first crush and have no memory of how it ended lmao. My mother says my memory is a sieve and I guess she’s right. Suffice it to say my girlhood is peopled with unrequited love which led me to be an obsessive romantic, now turned cynic.The disappointments abound gurl
Yeah, that would’ve been appropriate but I think I’m gonna keep the others to myself.
Yes, we were crazy and I totally blame my sister for it. You can see I didn’t think to do this on my own. As for the love thing, it all depends on the person. I don’t wanna say I’m a cynic about it because I kinda am with so many other things. I guess you can say I’m cautiously optimistic.
Funky smell! Um… do you have any idea of what you get when you Google “sniffing asses?”
We always tried to avoid the sniff test when I was growing up in a crowded teeny little house with just one bathroom, especially when Pop finished dinner and used the the only bathroom in the house. The damn bathroom was an interior one and didn’t have a window. I don’t care how bad you had to go, you waited a while unless you could hold your breath a long time…
Totsy, you always manage to put a goofy smile on my face and crack me up.
I didn’t google that and now that you bring it up, I can pretty much guess I’ll be found with the porno stuff. Why are you googling such topics, Phil? I mean, what’s really going on. Not that I really wanna know but I’m just saying. On the other hand, if you wanna give up the scoop, I’m a good listener if it’s poppin’. Know what I’m saying?
A penny for your laughs, I hope to be stank rich.
I’m laughing at this one! When I read, “… ’cause I wanna gather my facts as precisely as Newt Gingrich,..” I choked! You’re in rare form (and that’s saying a lot for you!).
You always manage to catch what others don’t, Dr. Lorna.
Bwhahaaa! Well now can’t say I’ve sniffed seats but if the man had funk back in the day, he was out. I mean, how hard is it to wash the backside before you go visiting a woman? Guess my crushes ended due to them being jerks or me being one. Hard to tell without being biased.
I had a crush on this guy in highschool and then he kissed me. It was like his tongue was having a seizure in my mouth. What a turn off.