You remember your first crush? I know. How in the heck might The Sniff Test remotely relate to that giddy time of wonder and innocent lust when I was 12 years old? It shouldn’t but if you’ve been hanging out with me for a slight period of time, you very well know ole Totsy ain’t quite led the straight and narrow path to Happyville as you, so fortunately, have. I, my good folk, have taken the backroads to the strange path of Happy and got my groove on anyhow, so that I could come to you, straight from my laptop to yours, to tell you how to sniff out a worthy crush.
Before I go on, in my own defense, this was a happenstance typa situation that started, I’ll say, a year or so back before I ever knew the workings of a crush. No, actually, I was around 10. So, let’s make that two years ’cause I wanna gather my facts as precisely as Newt Gingrich, ’cause, I too, am a historian of sorts, given the nature of this here blog and me letting y’all all up and inside of my business from time to time.
So. I’m around ten, which makes my little sister four. Oh, we were far in age but we were tight. As the big sis, what I did, she did, and then some, really. Also, what she did, I did, if I was so inclined to take up an interest. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Self, what in God’s name would make a girl of 10 follow up behind a four year old child?” Well folks, looking back to them ole days, where we snacked on honey from the honeysuckles and threw them little red thingies from the sticker bush at folk and damn near put folks eyes out from funning around, I was my sister’s keeper. We were tight as, well, I can’t rightly figure up an analogy to define it but count on the fact that we were tight.
Well, folks, my sister was a bit of an adventurer. To break it on down to you on the for real side, she was a little wildchild. Had a bush of hair all over her head and we called her Afro back in them good ole days I’m readying to tell you about.
Now. There was this one instance where my mama had her some company over. He was a fine gentleman. Tall too. I remember well. Naturally, if he was over for a spell, he was sitting and keeping good company with my mother. Right? I can’t tell you what got Afro the notion that when this man left for the bathroom that she should hightail it over to the chair he was sitting to sniff his seat. I couldn’t tell you at the time it occurred but the apple ain’t never far from the tree, is it, folks? It so happens an auntie of mine had this same little sick fetish as Afro, back when she was a girl too. And guess who else got into the mix of this dumb shit? That’s right. I was sniffing right behind this little ass four year old, even after she had her nose all scrunched up to indicate the man had a stank ass. Oh yeah, we were like frat sisters too, you may was well say.
Okay. Come two years later, I get this crush on this person I had no business crushing on. He was too old, for one. Probably around 20. He also happened to be the brother of my auntie’s husband. This is the same auntie who sniffed seats back in the day too. Well, he was sleeping on the sofa one morning when we were visiting with her. We saw him there, laying on his stomach, right? Eventually, he got up and two years later, yes, we’re still sniffing seats like Dumb and Fucking Dumber, okay?
Like clockwork, she goes in first and gives me the he-so-stank sign. Now, she knew I was crushing on this man. I’m thinking, “No, the sofa can’t possibly stink. He was laying on his stomach.” I didn’t wanna believe Afro, who’s now 6, and me, 12. Naturally, I had to mosey myself on over there and sniff the damn sofa and I’m telling you, folks, it was stank. The first crush I ever had didn’t wash his ass and I was through with him from then on. It was devastating, if you wanna know the truth. Of course, I could never look at him the same and to fill you in on the whole truth of the matter, I was embarrassed that Afro knew about his stankness on account of this crush she knew I had on him.
What brought your crush to a crashing end? I bet it wasn’t on account of you sniffing chair seats, was it?