Folks, you wouldn’t believe the process I’ve been through over the last few weeks. I won’t even tell you about one of the medical tests, I’m so utterly embarrassed even in my own mind to think of it. You know, being southern and all, I can’t rightly disclose this bit of information. Let’s just say this is one of those days of me feeling like keeping a little something in the closet.
I had a cousin to tell an auntie of mine something one time and the news spread like a California wildfire, I’m telling you. My cousin said she told that woman something and before she could even get out the door good, my auntie had told EVERYBODY. I think it’s a special gift to be such a big gossip and still have the ability to hold on to friends who keep telling you stuff. This same auntie is sweet as peach cobbler, if that’s your thing ’cause it ain’t mine, would rip the shirt off her back and give it to you but loves herself a good gossip session. Literally, she absolutely glows at the thought of a piece of news coming her way. Folks, I don’t care how much they say they won’t tell her anything, always find themselves telling her everything. It’s really confounding, this kinda charm she has over them.
She spread a rumor about me once but it didn’t get nowhere. Even had her husband over there, propped in front of the TV, with no teeth in his mouth, bumping his gums about shit he didn’t know nothing about. They’re right nice folk though. Will greet you at the door with a hug, like southern folk do, and throw you dead under the bus. My sister calls this same aunt, Oprah, ’cause she knows all too well how to go in and get the scoop and dress it in such a fashion to make it interesting to everybody ’cause she’s funny as all get out. I think every family has an Oprah.
Folk complain and say, “I aint’ telling her shit else,” and I’m always like, “Oh yes, you will ’cause that’s just the kinda shit you do.” That’s the beauty of the whole relationship, ain’t it? Next thing you know, Aunt Oprah’s got the story and then some. And realize when folk get older, they go back into their second childhood. Well, she and another auntie of mine found themselves arguing over who got the best birthday present from one of their sisters and it’s one simple thing after another. I told my mom they’d all miss that very thing about her should anything ever happen.
While my sister calls her Oprah, she’s always been Maude to me. All that sassy attitude and whatnot. Maybe you’ve got one of them too. If I’d told her about the intensity of this physical I’ve undergone, Aunt Oprah-Maude would put her spin on it and have me on an IV in the intensive care unit. Gotta love her though.