Believe it or not, this is Diana Ross. Totsymae.
Believe it or not, I have some words of inspiration to plant today. Of course, I’d never classify my writing that way but I reckon, every now and then, I can dig in my memory bank and draw on some moments that’ve pushed me to move beyond where I was.
You see, last month, I was telling a friend how I made myself into a better student. No, I wasn’t in the slow group. I was a selective learner. You know, tuning in to what interested me. I found that remembering facts from a book was too overwhelming for my brain. Therefore, History was just above Math (which was dead last) on my list of favorite subjects. But when I was in 8th grade, I was tired of ‘C’ marks. Know what I did? I started lying to myself, which became my way of attaining something I wanted.
Not only did I lie to myself, I lied to the smart kid, who I told every day before test time that I’d score higher than he would. Oh, he didn’t discourage me. In his nerdy sorta way, he told me to bring it on. I did. I never beat his scores but I went from being a ‘C’ student to a ‘B’ student in History. That I’d challenged him pushed me to study and those facts that pretty much dissolved as a result of studying to get by were embedded more easily in my brain when I actually put forth a good effort.
"Melba Moore" This is how I began drawing people.
I told another whopper with painting. I studied graphic design, basically, computer design software. With that, I took foundational drawing classes, art history and so on and so forth. The one time I had picked up a paintbrush, I was in high school. It was a picture of a clown I composed. The colors were flat, unappealing and left me unenthusiastic to ever paint again. I gave up that easily, never to pick up another canvas to paint on until 2001.
You see, I composed with graphite (basically, special leaded pencils), and then went on to pen and ink and pastel (very pricey colored chalks). I was so anal in detailing everything and this is what I did well. I stuck with it. It was safe. There came a time when I began copying popular paintings with pastel for a couple of folks. I sold them cheaply ’cause I was not the original artist, nor was I using their medium. I wasn’t past my fear of failing if I picked up the paintbrush again until one guy showed me a painting in a magazine he wanted in oil. With a tiny bit of hesitation, I told him I could do it, ’cause I wanted his money and yes, I did paint it exactly.
My mom enrolled me in Lane School of Art while I was in high school. Here, I began to learn how to "see" as an artist, by drawing still life with charcoal. Copyright 2011. Totsymae
A little more time flew by. I’d say a year or two. I had fallen back into pastel and graphite to create; that comfortable place again. You see, I didn’t believe I’d done that painting for that guy but I later realized, at some point, I wanted to sell my work. I went gallery hopping and a little gallery framed up my work, pastel that is, and sold the pieces real quick-like. I was beaming! Who ever thought? Then I told myself, “If you’re gonna do this art selling thing, you’ve gotta paint.” I looked at hundreds of paintings online before I even had paint supplies. The more I looked, the more I convinced myself that I could paint. I started out with the artists I studied about and was later all over the internet. So again, I picked up the brush and from that moment on, I was a painter.
There are other experiences I could share with you good folks but this is enough, I think. These two experiences are what I have to keep in mind when I’m doubtful of treading new territory. Sometimes I forget ’cause I’m human and basically caught up in my shit. As you can see, the images here are pretty horrible but this is where I came from. Back when I drew these images, I had no imagination, which means I couldn’t create from my own mind. I refused to call myself an artist then but a copyist. I hated the label I’d placed on myself but it’s what I was and I wouldn’t fake it ’cause I didn’t see getting past it. Today, I’m far beyond that place and I don’t mean that in any way to sound arrogant. I can show you so many more bad drawings that would prompt you to ask why I didn’t give up. Well, I also had a mother who constantly showed off these horrible drawings to people and made a big deal over them. Sometimes, I’ll look through those drawings and think how delirious she must’ve been.
I got better by copying magazine ads. This is a Calvin Klein ad from one of my fashion magazines. Graphite on paper. Totsymae
Sticking to what’s safe is nothing more than fear. You just never realize how much better it can get until you step out. It’s akin to living a partial life. I think that’s why so many folk crack up in middle of their lives. Men go out and get toupees and shit. Women start dressing like their daughters…
Many of us are striving toward something. Yes, I quite enjoy deconstructing human nature at its core to show us in our most unflattering light. Excuse me as I disrobe and throw shit from the closet. I’m human, however wicked my mind charges and runs in a direction not always intended. So… I’m not all the time crazy. At least, not today. At this particular moment. Now, tomorrow? Hmph…
Thanks for dropping in, folks. Happy New Year!
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
I think you have to be born with a natural untrained ability to be an artist. But that does not mean it can’t be refined and expanded as you have done. Part of the mystery is that we can often train ourselves. Study other painters helps too. No one taught me how to carve but some almost severed fingers and a lot of bloody hands and throw away pieces I learned it fairly well. Then I learned how to adapt to each particular wood as each has unique properties. Now I have to learn to train these lazy hands to pick up those knives again.
You’re a good one to work with wood. It’s a very difficult medium. I have worked with it to produce a couple of sculptures but I used power tools. Carving is very hard on the hands, as you revealed in your response. You can have at trying it again. I’m too chicken.
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing this post. You came along way but honestly I needed to read this. I believe we all have experience this feeling with something in our life. I do hope all is well with you! God Bless
Thank you. Yes, all is well on this end. I hope it is with you as well. Enjoy the New Year.
Tots, how wonderful and how much I needed your encouragement today. I have NOT been getting enough outdoor exercise (like usually happens in the holiday period, UGH!) and not even consistent REM type sleep. No more–I will get back to who I really am 24×7 and continue to believe I can do ALL sorts of stuff. You have given me a lifline today, Tots. Have a most blessed and light filled entry into 2012. (And enjoy this remainder of this Christmastide week–don’t cut it short, okay?)
Glad to be one to encourage you. I say, why not believe you can do ALL stuff. Within what you know you have the power to do anyway. I forget who said it but I the words were, “You have to be hungry.”
I will continue to enjoy the days as they come and thank you. You do the same.
This WAS inspiring! Really, thank you so much for sharing your artistic journey. It gives us all something to believe in
I’m glad it was then. As I try to wrap my head around what’s ahead, it’s even more inspiring to me to hear someone respond as you have. I must be the one to thank you for that.
Totsy, truer words were never written! I fool myself all the time. And dadgum it! It works. I tell myself (and others) I’m good at things and I get better at them. I fooled myself into being a top notch marketing manager and even though I’m an introvert, I became an pushy sales type and made cold calls and everything. I tell myself every day I look good and feel good. It works! The only thing is, you say your early drawings are bad. Hah! On my best day I could not approach them and I think they are great too. Not as wonderful of what you do now, of course, but good enough it shows you have art talent. Nobody has ever accused me of that! I hope you and yours are having a lovely holiday season!
I suppose the “Mind over matter” take on life applies.
Yes, the season has been going well.Thank you. Enjoy the New Year!
Your journey as an artist is inspiring. I love your magazine ad pencil drawing. Finding something you love to do and connecting with people through it is amazing. I hope to do the same with my writing and recipes.
I’m glad to know you find my little journey inspiring.
I hope you find your way to connect also, using your talents. You know, you can always vlog occasionally and add your personal twist. It’s amazing how popular cooking shows are now when there only used to be a handful.
Wonderful! A friend told me when I confessed I wanted to be a writer ( a suppressed dream) I would have adhere to the 10,000 hour rule (which says to be good at anything a 10k investment of hours is required). I laughed. He was right. I am guessing you invested as many if not more. Truly inspiring for anyone who has a dream of creating. You’re blessed, you have more than one gift. (I liked the way your tricked yourself into working harder when you were younger, btw. ) For what it’s worth, when I step outside my comfort zone and push myself I am always surprised by the results. Sometimes it’s wonderful and other times, I howl because it’s shite. Regardless how it turns out the creative in me is always stronger for the effort.
Yes, it’s a lifetime commitment. Besides my particulars of raising the kids, my art is perhaps the only other things I’m most meticulous about and devote dedicated time toward. I’m just at a point where I must push myself more. Yes, the effort is the journey and there are always benefits in that.
Inspirational, thank you; and I must admit, I received “C”s in art for coloring pictures around the “lines,” which smothered my passion for drawing and painting until recently.
Don’t feel too badly. I made a “C” in Photography. Glad you got your mojo back to try it again.
I climbed out of the tree for a moment and finally slipped off the ankle bracelet for a bit to come visit you. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t followed.
Well however, whatever you did to get to the level you’re at was definitely worth it. Look at those gorgeous pieces of art! 
Uh-oh…I think I hear sirens. (Dashes off into some backyards full of laundry)
I sure hope you weren’t followed. I don’t want any drama over this way. This is a respectable neighborhood.
And thank you….Ahem…I should’ve known you’d bring trouble taking the bracelet off and all.
It is wonderful when you get encouragement. Everyone should strive for their best as long as they enjoy what they do.
Encouragement is always a great thing and strive on, we must.
Hiya, and happy holidays. I hope the New Year will treat you very well. I agree: when you really decide you’re going to accomplish something, whatever it is, you concentrate and you believe and you work at it. Good on you, matie!
Happy Holidays to you too. I expect real good treatment from the New Year. Hope the same for you. Happy writing to you also!
I can totally relate to everything ya said. I too was a solid C student, with little interest in stuff that wasn’t exciting or pleasing to me. Highschool was a total waste of time.
Yes, I’m sure, my fellow artist. Though, I liked school okay after that. Taking the art classes was pretty cool too.
I’ve always enjoyed your art and it’s fascinating to learn about your process. Seeing your version of the Calvin Klein ad, I imagine that’s an early piece and I can see just how far you’ve come. Your work is nothing short of brilliant!
Hey Tots, what a beautiful journey! Thanks for sharing and inspiring. Have New Year to you too!!!
Wonderful artwork. You are a gifted artist and writer.
Each post reveals a bit more about you, and you never cease to amaze me. This line caught my attention and is so very true: “Sticking to what’s safe is nothing more than fear.” Perfectly said!
Totsymae,
What an absolutely inspiring post and it says very interesting things about you. You have unearthed a real talent and one that I would’ve never guessed was so “young”. You should be proud.
One of the reasons that I find your blog so arresting is that it’s very personal and so not commonplace. The ability to examine and admit ones faults, the tiny steps, which often require herculean effort, to reach a state of certainty and courage are an inherent part of who we all are. Thank you for keeping it real
.
C.
What a wonderful story! I love the idea of challenging someone who is better than you. I have done that in the past with my public speaking. I was just being cocky, bucking myself up. Well, this year he lost in the second round of the contest. The fourth round is next weekend and I’m still in!