The Night Santa Came Knocking
(A Mini Christmas Play)
Erma from California: I can’t believe he broke it off. It’s Christmas time. (She stares dead center of the wooden kitchen table.)
Neighbor from across the hall w/Chunky NY Accent: (Takes a long drag from her cigarette, blows the poison from her mouth and shuffles the card deck with expertise): Tell me about it. Right in the middle of the season when so many people consider suicide, he calls it quits. That selfish, loser bastard.
A lone tear runs from Erma’s soft brown eyes and makes the curve down her chin.
Delia from Way Down South: (Tucks her hands between her thighs, thinking better of not sharing her good news) You’re better off without him, Erma. Didn’t you say his temper was hot and quick? I wouldn’t think of him being a loss and worth no more of them tears ’bout to fall from your eyes. (She fiddles with her hands under the table, pulls a napkin from the holder and gets up to wipe away at Erma’s damp face.)
Neighbor: Will you cut out the sniffling?
Erma: (Revs up a good cry, chest heaving up and down) But it’s…Christmas.
Neighbor: Does that mean when I come over tomorrow, there won’t be anymore of this dribbling?
Pen and Ink. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
Delia: (Throws Neighbor a glare to kill) If I were raised like my daddy wanted, I’d slam that Coke bottle against this table and cut you out of your miserable life!
The little squabble is broken up by a hesitant and then, persistent knock on the door. All movement and sound freezes except Burl Ives, in repeat mode, crooning Holly Jolly Christmas. The knock beats harder. Erma imagines her wreath falling from the door.
Erma: (Whispers her thoughts into the air) It could be James coming back.
Neighbor: (A deep scowl marks her face as she turns to stare at Erma) Descended his white horse and knocking like a damn fool, just the way you like them, heh?
Man from The Other Side: Ho, ho, ho! (Then, he rings a bell in the hand covered by a black glove that warmed it from the icy cold winter)
As if rehearsed or remembered from a past movie script, the three women line one behind the other and tiptoe towards the door. The knocking persists right on and then comes …
Man from The Other Side: Merry, Merry Christmas! (The words coming too forcefully, he coughs)
Delia: Who’s there?
Neighbor gives a shush and punches her. The door knob jiggles by the black gloved hand.
Erma: (A ray of excitement envelops as she thinks in earnest, Oh, it could be no one other than her James playing Santa and wanting to get inside from the cold. How silly of her for changing the locks. She pushes her way pass the other two women and starts her way down the five locks and bolts of the door) That you, James?!
Man from The Other Side: Hooo, hooo…
Erma is tackled by the women just as she unlocks the last bolt. They bundle in a heaped pile on the floor against the door as it pushes against their weight.
Erma: (Eyeballs Delia’s diamond nugget from the heap) Oh, my! You never said a word! You’re (gulping and teary-eyed again) engaged?!
Delia: (Smiles dreamily at the diamond) Uh huh. (A sudden giggle escapes and then she remembers empathy). Oh, but it wasn’t the right time to share this kind of news, with you and James splitting up.
The door is slowly opening, as Neighbor is the only one making effort to keep Man from the Other Side on the other side.
Neighbor: Shut the hell up and help me out here, you dim-witted heifers!
Erma: When were you going to tell me? I would’ve found out sooner or later.
Delia: I’m sorry, Erma. I was opting for later. It is Christmas.
Neighbor: Will you two heifers…
Erma: Oh, don’t remind me it’s Christmas. Turn that thing away from my sight before I’m forced to bite your finger off! (Burl Ives’ wish for her to have a holly jolly Christmas takes her to a joyful time from years ago, that sends her bawling. She goes limp at the thought of the ring.)
Man from The Other Side manages getting his arm through the slit of the door, tossing an array of Hershey Kisses to the floor. The door pounds on them easily while Erma considers the long, winding road of getting back to somewhere near happy. Suddenly, her palette waters for almond centers as she spots the sprinkling of gold, red and green chocolate drops.
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Looks like Erma was done in by something shiny and sparkly – Hershey kisses!
Totsy, I love the way you sketch a scene. A few minutes of dialogue and all three characters come completely to life, toting along their baggage. Your words are very much like your visual sketch – minimalist in line, but full of life. Well done Totsy.
Mmmmm…you just don’t understand what those little chocolate drops can do for a woman, Phil. It’s a little like shopping – the big cover-up and ultimately, a way, however wrong, out of a problem. Guys do something like this, don’t they?
Glad you like the skit. Broadway will be knocking soon.
And where can I buy tickets to this? Fabulous stuff Totsy! You put me right there in the scene.
Tickmaster, of course, I don’t charge much but I suspect the fees are much higher than the actual ticket. Glad you liked.
Erma, bright cookie that she is, knows perfectly well that chocolate will cure anything, even a broken heart! Beautifully delivered, Ms. Totsy! I can totally see this being performed on a stage! I’d be in the front seat because I just have to see the “neighbor” perform! I love this! Happy holidays to you, lady!
Yes, that smooth operating chocolate come in small and large packages. It’s abundant this time of year and I’ve holding myself hostage, so far. So glad you like my novice production.
And enjoy the holidays!
Wonderful skit. Wonderful drawing. I can’t wait to tell people ‘I knew her when…”. Totsy this stuff is truly marvelous! The BBC has nothing on Totsy Mae”.
Thank you, Linda.
I love how the Brits take on humor. Wanted to share.
Now, Tots, you surely cannot expect us to believe you would ever be NUTTY, can you? (tee, hee!) Wonderful little skit SO true to life about how folks let all manner of nonsense get in the way of the Reason for the Seaon!
Oh, noooo,,, None of those women are me. Lol!
Yes, we can be so distracted by the smallest matter.
–Like I said before…
You are the next Tina Fey.
Brilliant. Who Are you, Tots?
Love Love Love. xx
I like Tina.
Thanks for the comparison.
Love to ya!!
Love the drawing.
Poor Erma, it is Christmas, afterall.
Erma’s got issues, for sure. I felt sorry for her, so I gave her chocolate.
And thank you.
You ended too soon, Totsy. I wanted to know how Erma made it through the holidays, and how learning of the engagement affected her. I, too, can visualize it being performed. Great job, Totsy!
It’s much longer than intended, actually. Glad you enjoyed it though. I think we know how Erma’s going to spending a good portion of the season.
Just as in life, in your sketches, it’s hard to tell who’s been naughty or nice…
Do you have as much fun writing as we have fun reading? I sure hope so!
Yes, I have good fun writing for the blog. What’s so funny too are the responses everyone brings, whatever the topic. And thank you for your continued support. Feels like I know most of you.