This is my submission for Create Art Every Day.
Hello, everybody. My name’s Victor. Victor B. Hughes. (He walks slowly from one end of the stage to the other, contemplating his next words)
I’ve got the biggest dick this side of Dixie. It took me to come all the way from New York for that to happen. I don’t know who took my place up there since I left but it doesn’t matter. I’m here now, thinking I’d find the love of my life and keep a few chickees on the side.
(Shaking the shit out of his head, ’cause it’s like, totally baffling, these next thoughts that come to him) Damn, these women can’t appreciate a big dick when they get one. Give’em my good loving and I have to hear back talk. I’ve got my own business, well traveled within the U.S., I’m 6’5″ and I read. What else can a woman ask for? (siiiigh)
When I enter the house, I expect certain things. Ain’t nothing wrong with red carpet, candles burning and a good meal waiting. Problem is, no woman can burn in the kitchen like me. I’m a gourmet chef and a diamond expert. But damn if I can afford a diamond. I will cook a good meal ’cause I’m a big man and I like to eat. And don’t forget, with me swingin’ this big dick, I can’t help but be a good lover.
(A small voice gets to nagging at his ass and tells him to fess the hell up) Well, let me take that back. My dick ain’t all that big but I’m like the little engine that could. If I say it enough times, it’ll get bigger and all these women will start to believe it. Hell, I believe it when I’m not looking directly at it myself.
(Lips tighten suddenly) And that damn Totsy! Last time I’ll ever fuck around with an artist. Weird ass, living in that house and can’t cook in her own kitchen. I don’t even want to think about her flippy ass.
(Scratching his head and pauses. Confused as hell. Confused like, walking into a room and forgetting why he went in the room kinda confused). Damn, I thought I had more to say but all I’ve been doing is talking about my dick. That’s about the best friend I’ve got these days. (He holds it lovingly) Sure wish it could get a job and make me some money. Shit, there I go again. I love the hell out of my dick. I wonder if any of those chickees ever think about all they’ve been missing…And did I say, that damn Totsy?! What’s this shit she’s been doing on the computer, talking about she’s blogging? Better not be talking about my dick (Stage darkens. A sepia tone surrounds Victor as he caresses his best friend).