Pen & Ink on Bristol Board w/Photoshop. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
This is my submission for Create Art Every Day.
Hello, everybody. My name’s Victor. Victor B. Hughes. (He walks slowly from one end of the stage to the other, contemplating his next words)
I’ve got the biggest dick this side of Dixie. It took me to come all the way from New York for that to happen. I don’t know who took my place up there since I left but it doesn’t matter. I’m here now, thinking I’d find the love of my life and keep a few chickees on the side.
(Shaking the shit out of his head, ’cause it’s like, totally baffling, these next thoughts that come to him) Damn, these women can’t appreciate a big dick when they get one. Give’em my good loving and I have to hear back talk. I’ve got my own business, well traveled within the U.S., I’m 6’5″ and I read. What else can a woman ask for? (siiiigh)
When I enter the house, I expect certain things. Ain’t nothing wrong with red carpet, candles burning and a good meal waiting. Problem is, no woman can burn in the kitchen like me. I’m a gourmet chef and a diamond expert. But damn if I can afford a diamond. I will cook a good meal ’cause I’m a big man and I like to eat. And don’t forget, with me swingin’ this big dick, I can’t help but be a good lover.
(A small voice gets to nagging at his ass and tells him to fess the hell up) Well, let me take that back. My dick ain’t all that big but I’m like the little engine that could. If I say it enough times, it’ll get bigger and all these women will start to believe it. Hell, I believe it when I’m not looking directly at it myself.
(Lips tighten suddenly) And that damn Totsy! Last time I’ll ever fuck around with an artist. Weird ass, living in that house and can’t cook in her own kitchen. I don’t even want to think about her flippy ass.
(Scratching his head and pauses. Confused as hell. Confused like, walking into a room and forgetting why he went in the room kinda confused). Damn, I thought I had more to say but all I’ve been doing is talking about my dick. That’s about the best friend I’ve got these days. (He holds it lovingly) Sure wish it could get a job and make me some money. Shit, there I go again. I love the hell out of my dick. I wonder if any of those chickees ever think about all they’ve been missing…And did I say, that damn Totsy?! What’s this shit she’s been doing on the computer, talking about she’s blogging? Better not be talking about my dick (Stage darkens. A sepia tone surrounds Victor as he caresses his best friend).
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Totsy, why do men think having a big dick is “all that and some chips”. Usually it ain’t. Far as I can tell, it has very little to do with anything much. In fact, really big dicks can be painful. And don’t go thinking for a moment we’re going to try and put it anyplace you think might be interesting. I knew a man once who had a very medium dick but he was a god in bed. It really isn’t the size of the instrument, it’s how well he plays it.
I just love you and your way with words:
“It really isn’t the size of the instrument, it’s how well he plays it.”
I couldn’t say it any better than that.
I did go out with one guy who carried on about the size of his package. All I can tell you for sure is that he must have had some really big mouthed girlfriends. I was never going to be counted as one of them.
**Better not be talking about my dick**
HA HA
I’m tellin’ on you, Tots. X
Heheheeheee! Tell him.
Hahahaha a man and his schlong are besties forever ’cause no one else will have ‘em. Hilarious as usual Crazy Chick
KInda sad really but hey…(shrugging my shoulders)
Totsymae, do I detect in your general writings on the subject a touch of penis envy? May I paraphrase Freud: As small as some may be at least they have got one.
As to women and their Dicks, Toms and Harrys: One size does not fit all. Sorry. At the ante natal clinic they even ask you your shoe size to ascertain how much room, on expansion, a baby’s head has to squeeze through. I knew that bit of information would be useful to you and your readers.
What’s my shoe size? You show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.
U
No penis envy. Some of them aren’t that great anyway.
Thank you for that information on the baby’s head and all but ummm,
yeah, maybe some other reader will find it helpful. I’m kinda done doing
the baby thing. It was fun while it lasted though.
Totsy, this was HILARIOUS. i could so see this loser pacing the stage. Great writing.
Thanks for visiting my blog. i love good writing, so i’ll no doubt be back to your blog.
happy AEDM.
xoxo
Glad you got the visual dead on. It’s my first dramatic stage play
Thanks for hanging out with me and it was a treat visiting with you.
Love these character pieces. They show your versatility as a writer.
Thank you. Been on the merry-go-round with all kindsa folks. Not
nearly done yet.
Hey, I am back from my little trip and right away came to your blog. I never forget Burger King commercial where two women looked at a guy package and said very provocative” it’s not the size it’s the taste that matters!” I think it’s very appropriate for your post.
Glad you made it back. I think your words are appropriate for
the post.
Hehehe, too funny! Victor’s so wrong. The worst thing that can happen to a woman is to meet a man who doesn’t know how to work his tool.
When I read the part where he said he wished it could get a job, I thought about a story my grandmother told me about a woman who was washing herself in the river — okay, it was back in the day, way back in the day — and thanking it for making her some money the night before. The way my grandma told it, I laughed so hard – I still laugh when I think about it.
Victor is very wrong. The arrogance! Maybe he could take
lessons from that woman your grandmother knew.
Hahaha, Tots, I just read this again and I still thought of that story my grandma told me. That Victor!
OMG lol. How many things are wrong with this? Let me count the ways. I hope for your sake that this is completely fictional lmao. It’s sad though because umm many of us have met these psycho characters. God’s gift, may ass lol. Great story! Hope it scares the sense into somebody…We can only pray.
This is a person I knew. While the monologue is fabricated, it does
portray the attitude of the person I knew. Very arrogant. This was
just my assessment. All of the people in the Real Folks Category
are real folks. And yes, let us bow our heads and pray.
Wow…It’s taken my mind some time to digest that one, and I’m still confused (all us big dicked men confuse easily). Bottom line is: don’t get much better than a bunch of chicks talkin’ bout dicks.
You’re funny. You really should be a comedian. Seriously.
You’re funny and perceptive.
Looking forward to reading more. And more of your paintings too.
I’ll take funny and perceptive. LoL!! Thanks!
Hope you do drop by again. Anytime, the door is open.
Dicks do come in handy, but it’s much better when they come in other places. (ahem)
I’m usually wary of people jabbering away about a topic. It’s like they are deliberately trying to cover up the exact opposite of what they are saying. Take someone who’s always telling you how honest they are. I don’t know about you, but the first thing I’m doing when someone spouts off about how honest they are is to reach for my wallet and make sure it’s still in my pocket.
You’re funny.
Yes, I tend to think that way too. Usually, one doesn’t have to say who
or what they are. They can simply project that without a lot of lip
service.
LOL you must know my man!!!
Girl, this one was mine. You mean he’s got a twin and I didn’t know?
So over dealing with huge egos. I don’t miss this guy at all.