Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
Last night, I was minding my own business and got to cruising Facebook. I stumble on this question that asks, “What can a woman do to find a good man?” Folks, that will be our topic of discussion for this session. After our discussion, you have the option to hit me up with a donation if you deem my from-the-streets advice worthy of a piece of your pocket change. I’ll also take donations of the paper medium too. Picky ain’t my middle name.
Now. First off, I’m bothered by the question itself, to be right honest with you. Maybe I don’t care as much about a relationship. Maybe I simply don’t know enough about the game. Whatever. I’m just real bothered by women pursuing men folk. Only second to working to put food on the table, how to hose a man down and make him theirs is a prime topic that women are talking about. I’m not a male basher but I just don’t think it’s that serious.
Sure, it’s a right nice thing to have a fella to hold your hand and let you know you could use a bit of lotion to soften up the rough spots. I’m even okay with a little snoring and a leg being thrown on me that might stir me awake. And he can criticize my cooking all he wants, just as long as he can replace what I burned with something edible. Those things are nice and all to have but I think it’s kinda grinding my nerves that women folk put so much stock into a man rounding out the picture of happiness. I mean, for quite a few men, they can be content with having a woman every now and then. If women took on the same attitude, like they didn’t give a damn, a man is gonna come atcha. They don’t like to be chased and hunted down like prey, the way women are going about it now. Shit, ease the hell up and suck on a popsicle or something. A lot of what women are chasing after ain’t even worth the chase no how.
I just don’t like women folk being out there all willy nilly and making men the center of everything that’s important. Single women folk out there, and those married ones who’ve got single friends, here’s a round of advice I want to share for those times that you’ve created in your mind as hard ass times ’cause you ain’t got no man and don’t think you’ll ever have one:
- If need be, purchase your ass some pretty stationary. Spray perfume all over it too and get yourself a pen pal from your local jail cell. Write your ass a letter and mail it off with a photo of you with your tongue licking on your finger. Shit, some of you out here doing it anyway. You’ll have a plethora of fan mail too. I mean, some women are so easily entertained. aren’t they? Just do that shit before you get wrapped up in the real thing and end up knee-deep in the shit of a real relationship like so many women do. I’m sure the stamps, paper and your trips to the post office will be less costly and you can invest as much or little time as you wish ’cause everything will be on your terms. You’ll also be in control the way some of you like to be anyway.
- Buy yourself some boxers and walk around the house in them without anything else on. Order yourself some pizzas, have a six-pack and don’t throw the pizza boxes away for a week. Hell, invite your single BFFs over so they can sit around in their boxers with you. Enjoy your singlehood the way men do and stop walking around like somebody’s got you by the tits and holding your happiness hostage. I’m telling you, it ain’t that serious.
- And if numbers 1 and 2 absolutely ain’t gonna do it for you, hell, start reading the obituaries. Wives die sometimes and there’s a spot you can fill. I know that ain’t sounding good on my part but that’s a reality we all gotta face. Plus, I know every last one of you may know somebody or heard tell of some woman making special house calls after a man’s lost his other half. Shit, I’m just putting it out there on the for real tip. You can even get on the web and read up on this kinda information, I’m sure. Use technology to your advantage and get your ass a ticket to fly out to that funeral. You could pretend to be that long lost friend from the nursery school. Shit, he won’t know the difference. His face will be too deeply buried and crying between your breasts to think otherwise. Just remember to spray a light whiff of perfume in the crease of your bosom to intoxicate his ass and cook him up a good meal. Keep in mind, he’s weak and you want to get him at his most vulnerable moment to make him yours. Ain’t that much worse than any other trap out there.
I’m sorry to say but at the moment, I don’t take credit cards. I’m trying to keep the overhead down and the government outta my business. Call my little operation bootleg if you want but come on folks, think of some women you know. This post is at least worth a dollar, ain’t it?
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
4. contact me – I’m up for grabs !
I see that you are, girly. I see that you are.
So glad you left a comment for me because now I have found you and your brilliant site.
I agree with you about the worrying idea that women chase men. However I must admit that I chased after Hubby, got him in a strangle hold and forced him to marry me a few hundred years ago and it was probably one of my best moves. Would I do it nowadays if I were younger? No, I’d rather sit in front of a good film with a chilled glass of Chablis…men are hard work!
Likewise, I am glad I found you.
Well, your hard work paid off ’cause you and hubby are a hilarious
team. I suppose I just don’t have the energy for all that leg work. Good
thing for you is you can enjoy that Chablis with hubby, maybe even in
the furniture store.
Totsy Mae – The Doctor is IN!
Bring a Dollar
She’ll give you a holler…
I can now see why folks need to pay for advice like this Tots. I mean, you’ll NEVER find this kind of advice on any of those free websites or magazines doling out words of wisdom.
The check is in the mail.
I’m sure you could dispense a bit of wisdom on this and I’m
surprised you didn’t.
Thanks for starting my day with a goo hard laugh Totsiemae. All you posts are great but this is one of your funniest. I’ve never pursued them yet I am up to my neck in all the men I can stand in my life. Pizza boxes is right!
Don’t worry on the typos, I happen to be a pro at that.
Glad you had a little laugh today. Up to your neck in men? So,
I gather you have a some young you’re raising.
Oops – sorry for the typos. Late for church and in a rush….
Posting to fb LOL!
Oh, thanks for sharing, Val. Looking forward to your return.
Chasing sounds like such hard work. If I were single now, I don’t think I could do it. I can’t remember if I chased my husband or he chased me, but I think maybe we just liked being together. Almost 18 years later, we still do. So I put up with his quirks and he puts up with mine. I guess it all balances out.
Yep and I don’t have the energy for that. Besides, there are more
productive ways to spend time. Congrats on your years of marriage.
That’s a blessing, quirks and all.
You’re right. The only one who really holds our happiness hostage is ourselves!
Just live, I say. It’ll all work out how it’s supposed to.
Totsymae, I swear this is your funniest post yet! Best advice ever for women…”Ease the hell up and suck on a popsicle.” Love the boxers and pizza cartons too. No doubt about it, women are getting more aggressive. I even saw one who wanted to meet this guy so bad that she wrote her cell number on her damn traffic ticket and gave it to him. Now that’s desperate! And don’t get me started on the casserole women who pounce with a dinner while the widower is waiting with his smoldering newly dead wife to be picked up for the morgue. You gave me a good laugh today!
LoL! Thank you, Annie,
Say she wrote her name on his traffic ticket? Goodness, mercy!
I wonder how that little relationship wound up.
Glad you had a laugh, my friend.
As I am old enough to be your mama, Totsie, I want to say that you are way more than just another purty face! I’ve been married and had husbands. Some have been good, some not so much. I’m currently married to a man 15 years my junior and Alex and I have been married for 22 years. When I was not married, it was because I didn’t want to be. Sure there were those rainy Tuesday afternoons that you think about “wouldn’t it be nice?” so I grabbed myself a willing cab driver and spent that rainy Tuesday in a No Tell MoTel. No harm, no foul.
I’ve told Alex that if I get another husband, I’m getting me a Chinese contractor. I’ll go hang around the Home Depot parking lot and look for the old Toyota trucks. I’ll snap me up one of those guys really fast. Not the “I’m too cool for school” type either. The hard working dudes in the work clothes with the tape measure on their tool belt. I have mastered myself some Chinese cooking. And wouldn’t it be fun to say “Honey, I’d like some shelves right there” and have your husband whip out his tape measure and go to work!
I’ve always said, “There’s a boy on every corner when your trying to get home” and it hold true today. All this “How to find a man” routine is nutty, pure and simple. They are everywhere! Just open your eyes and your mind. And toss your lists because they don’t mean shit.
I hadn’t thought of the trucks at Home Depot but you are right about
that! It ain’t that hard. Mr. Right is at the Home Depot, just waiting to
get picked up.
“And toss your lists because they don’t mean shit.”
LoL! You are too funny!
And Totsy, I know it’s “Totsy” not “Totsie” and I apologize. There ain’t no mechanism for me to make the correction, but I do know your name. Maybe I was tryin’ to type “Tootsie” but I don’t think so.
No biggy on the name. I knew you meant me.
You sexy thing you, got
a man that much younger. You do it then, Ms Linda. I ain’t mad atcha.
I am awake…….
You are awake for the cougars and tigers? They’re awake and waiting
for you too, Mr Malik. LoL!
Lion is warming up, cougars and tigers dont run away ….lolzzzzzz.. Lady Totsy……
Oooooh, you think you can hand with these women out here? I advise
many vitamins.
hahahaaaaaa, send me inbox prescription lolzzzz,
you remind me of James Brown…….. lolzzzz
James Brown? How so?
the way he sings, his song….. :p
It’s a Man’s World! lol!
lolzzz Its woman’s world, poor man got stuck on the planet
No no, Man’s world but it would be nothing without a boy and a girl.
Lol!
Awww you are indeed earn the titke of LADY from now on
Thank you, Gentleman. Malik.
Great advice Totsymae – ‘take it easy – it ain’t that serious’ – folk at The Fantastic Plastic Cafe loved this early start to a Monday – coffee with side order of laughter to go, cheers catchul8r molly
At the Cafe again, are ya? What a fun hangout that must be, sipping
lattes and reading blog posts. Thanks for sharing again, Molly.
Cheers.
Love it!
I remember watching a movie once where the main character, who was in her late 30s early 40s would try to catch a husband at cemeteries. It was a Russian movie, but i guess it doesn’t matter where we are and who we are the rules are the rules for everyone in the world!
Oh, goodness. I suppose being in America most of my life, I associated
this with American women. I know women anywhere can be a little
aggressive and/or loose when it comes to military soldiers, no
matter what culture.
Okay, you had me to the part about writing to the guys in jail. I have decided that part of my Dealbreakers is: In Jail/On Parole/Unemployed. (except for like independently wealthy unemployed, a la Bill Gates style.)
Girl, you are welcome to stop by my place anytime. I got a full box o’ popsicles, and we can order some pizza.
Those are definitely legitimate deal breakers too. Pizza and
popsicles, sounds good to me.
Oh my God, yes, it is worth a dollar. You’re so right that women spend too much time chasing men and not enough time getting chased themselves. I have an old college roommate who could use a bit of this advice. But I don’t carry cash.
Well, it’s mighty fine of you to think so, Laura. Think I’ll just hand
over this for free with the friend needing it rather swiftly and all.
(You don’t even have a little change in your ash tray, girl?) Lol!
When you’re hot, you’re hot. When you’re not, walking around in your underwear isn’t going to help…
—Tots,
I swear, you are the funniest damn person i’ve ever known.
WHO ARE YOU?
Where did that sassy, kick ass voice come from?
“Shit, ease the hell up and suck on a popsicle or something.”
You. Make. Me. Smile.
Xxx Kisses From MN>
thing. If I make you smile, I’m doing well over here at my
little blog.
I’m out of the dating game. The crazed finance ( had no idead the jerk ws engaged) that terrorized me for three years (off and on) put an end to that.
Be glad you are. It’s a mess out here. Stalkers have the most energy,
I tell ya. I’m glad you got rid of those loose ends.
I think it’s worth at least $100!
I am cracking up over here. I hear you though, we women put too much into the man thing and not enough in ourselves and being the best person we can be.