You talk about what you eat and how it settles in your digestive system. You may even go further by letting others know how they can keep their systems regulated with colon cleansers, what drug store they can get them from ’cause they’re the absolute best and so and so on, and you don’t give a damn who hears you dishing out this kinda advice.
You talk on the phone and shit at at the same time, then have the audacity to flush.
You talk about how gloriously free you feel after taking a shit.
You fart in public and keep it moving. You don’t let shit boil up in your stomach to the point that you’ve got so much gas you could be launched to the moon. Life is too damn short and anytime is the right time for letting out a little wind. You might even go, “Ahhhh,” at the end and pretend you don’t hear someone calling you a nasty heifer or dirty ass bastard.
You pick your nose in public like you’re hoola hooping and don’t give a damn who’s watching. You’ll even stare back at the bastard who’s been staring at your nostril cleaning process with nonchalance or a what the fuck expression, if you’ve aged into being the bad as you’ve always been in your cuttin’ a fool days.
You get that plaids and florals ain’t a good match up but you wear them together anyway ’cause you just don’t give a damn about trying to impress anybody and your retirement check’s in the bank while kinfolk who are trying to tell you your shit don’t match are still pulling that 9 to 5.
You’re shopping in Forever 21 and trying to wear shit your daughter or granddaughter is wearing with your bony ass knees showing in a mini skirt and your titties look like dried up raisins under a tube top.
You go in a room to get something and suddenly can’t remember why the hell you’re there and have to go back to where you were to think about why you went there in the first place.
You’re way too tickled pink that somebody in their twenties thinks you look so young and you go off telling your older friends who thinks you look as old as they do.
You’ve got more beauty products than books in your house.
You’ re talking to somebody and they’re looking at your toupee more than paying attention to what’s coming outta your mouth.
You wanna kick the person’s ass who’s addressing you as mam when they look to be around your age.
You fall for every product that claims to maintain your youthful appearance and will max out your credit cards to do so.
You’re sitting around the house playing music your kids don’t wanna hear and they beg you to please stop dancing.
You feel like you’ve got more answers than questions ’cause you’ve seen and heard it all before and nobody can tell you shit.
You’re holding a prized outfit or two from high school, not only because it brings back the joys of youth but you actually think your ass is gonna lose the pounds to get in them again.
You’re out shopping with your parents and nobody can distinguish if you’re the parent of child of the parent.