Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
You talk about what you eat and how it settles in your digestive system. You may even go further by letting others know how they can keep their systems regulated with colon cleansers, what drug store they can get them from ’cause they’re the absolute best and so and so on, and you don’t give a damn who hears you dishing out this kinda advice.
You talk on the phone and shit at at the same time, then have the audacity to flush.
You talk about how gloriously free you feel after taking a shit.
You fart in public and keep it moving. You don’t let shit boil up in your stomach to the point that you’ve got so much gas you could be launched to the moon. Life is too damn short and anytime is the right time for letting out a little wind. You might even go, “Ahhhh,” at the end and pretend you don’t hear someone calling you a nasty heifer or dirty ass bastard.
You pick your nose in public like you’re hoola hooping and don’t give a damn who’s watching. You’ll even stare back at the bastard who’s been staring at your nostril cleaning process with nonchalance or a what the fuck expression, if you’ve aged into being the bad as you’ve always been in your cuttin’ a fool days.
You get that plaids and florals ain’t a good match up but you wear them together anyway ’cause you just don’t give a damn about trying to impress anybody and your retirement check’s in the bank while kinfolk who are trying to tell you your shit don’t match are still pulling that 9 to 5.
You’re shopping in Forever 21 and trying to wear shit your daughter or granddaughter is wearing with your bony ass knees showing in a mini skirt and your titties look like dried up raisins under a tube top.
You go in a room to get something and suddenly can’t remember why the hell you’re there and have to go back to where you were to think about why you went there in the first place.
You’re way too tickled pink that somebody in their twenties thinks you look so young and you go off telling your older friends who thinks you look as old as they do.
You’ve got more beauty products than books in your house.
You’ re talking to somebody and they’re looking at your toupee more than paying attention to what’s coming outta your mouth.
You wanna kick the person’s ass who’s addressing you as mam when they look to be around your age.
You fall for every product that claims to maintain your youthful appearance and will max out your credit cards to do so.
You’re sitting around the house playing music your kids don’t wanna hear and they beg you to please stop dancing.
You feel like you’ve got more answers than questions ’cause you’ve seen and heard it all before and nobody can tell you shit.
You’re holding a prized outfit or two from high school, not only because it brings back the joys of youth but you actually think your ass is gonna lose the pounds to get in them again.
You’re out shopping with your parents and nobody can distinguish if you’re the parent of child of the parent.
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
I was feeling sort of old until I read this. Now I know for damn sure I’m NOT old after all. Thanks Totsy!
No, don’t feel that way. I’m glad I could be a little help to you.
I love the ‘more answers than questions’ – so true!
I don’t think I’ll ever stop being curious and exploring.
Best way to live.
My role model – so much to look forward to – YAY! cheers catchul8r molly
I think you’re right on about the digestive system stuff, and what really worries me is when the Facebook Generation grows old, and we start seeing status reports like “Just crapped, and the stools were kinda soft an funny colored. That new fiber product at the Walgreens must be the culprit – or maybe it was just bad prunes that were in my fridge for the past two months…” Yikes!!!
Uh oh, I hadn’t thought along those lines. Dr. Oz had a segment on poop
and I just couldn’t watch it, no matter if it was to benefit my health. I just
couldn’t watch an hour of poop talk.
Wonderful, I quite fit myself in the story……… enjoyed.
, i rediscovered myself hahahaha
Uh oh…Let’s not dare ask which area you fall into.
—-Fan-freaking-tastic!
” —your titties look like dried up raisins under a tube top.” that is some scary shit, Tots, but I’ve seen those titties in tube tops. Not pretty.
You make me giggle. xxx
Yes, I would say that is scary and very unpretty.
Totsy, I have laughed my ass off with this one! Oh my goodness! The part about, “You talk on the phone and shit at the same time, then have the audacity to flush,” I’m still chuckling! You’ve painted a hysterically funny outcome for the aging population, but one which I will continue to pray is far, far away!
I tell you, older folks are just uninhibited and while I believe that
kinda liberation is great, it’s kinda scary too. ;-o
OMG, I nearly fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. You’re hysterical but right on target. Years ago, one of my neighbors told me she felt so good being 80 because she felt she could say “whatever the hell” she wanted! She went on to say how much she held back because she didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings, felt it was inappropriate, etc., but she didn’t give a shit anymore. She laughed so hard and said how liberating it was not to self-censure. Your post today sums up her thoughts.
Older people are funny when they’re uncensored. So honest, they
can be.
Are you in the bad mood? At first I was laughing and then you almost made me cry. It’s way too sad to think that one day we will be farting out lound and not to care about it.
Oh, no bad mood. You think older people should care about that?
Laughing from your post AND all these great comments!!! And of course, I don’t do ANY of those things you mentioned (cough, cough).
I would think you did any of those things either. (ahem, cough, cough!)
OMG — I was laughing so hard, I cried reading this. While I don’t consider myself old (ahem) the fact that I’m called ma’am a lot bothers me. Yes, I’m southern and its the polite thing to do but when someone else is like 300 years old and calling me ma’am, I’ve got serious issues with that.
I think I hate when a woman calls me Hon or Honey. It’s so conde-
scending. I can take mam before that.
I’m in denial because I don’t “THINK” I do any of these things.
Okay, I’m talking about those other people.
“You go in a room to get something and suddenly can’t remember why the hell you’re there and have to go back to where you were to think about why you went there in the first place.” – I do this now….lol!
I got called Madame (Mam – think French accent, lol) two or three times today while I was out with the munchkins – I think it’s because people think they’re my kids… it’s weird, I don’t feel like a Mam. ^_^ I don’t actually know when you go from being Miss to Mam……
I don’t know the answer to that either. I think sometimes, it’s not only
showing respect for age but people say it as a reflection of said mam’s
behavior; that she is acting as a woman should publicly and ultimately
earns the title as a result of how she carries herself. So, perhaps this
was your circumstance.
Oh so true! Oh so real! Oh so perfect. I love this!