Graphite on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
Now, I know I shouldn’t be worried about this but I’m concerned when I see a woman driving a mini van. I only birthed two younguns myself but I wouldn’t care if I popped out five, I ain’t driving no mini van. One will never be registered in my name. I ain’t taking no pictures by one for the family photo album. I ain’t interested in one no kinda way, any way you look at it. I ain’t seen a cute woman step outta one yet. And you know what? If you’re driving one and keep doing so, you can best believe some years down the road, you’ll start looking a hot mess like some of the women folk I’ve seen step out of them. I’m telling you, folk really do start looking like their cars after awhile and a mini van is a far cry from what I’d wanna be looking like, if I had to resemble any kind of motor vehicle. I mean shit, it’s a mini bus, folks!
Ladies, between you and me, if you and the significant other go car shopping together and he starts pushing a mini van on you, be highly suspicious that he’s about to retire your ass. He’s probably already looking at some fine young thing or cougar with cash before y’all ever hit the car lot in the first place. If you’re all eager, giddy and shit that he’s putting his boo in a new and reliable vehicle to get the kids back and forth and all them whatnots, I’m telling you right here and now that you should get your head outta them rain clouds about being the family taxi driver. I’ve seen some women in them vans and look like all they do is drive and cook all day. I don’t see too many of them smiling either. Look like they wear this permanent scowl or tired as hell. And wouldn’t you? I mean, I’ve never had dreams of driving one of them things. Seems like that’s a vehicle folk settle for. Who the hell wants a mini van is what I wanna know.
What gets me is women folk calling themselves all liberated and shit. They don’t even have a club like those women who ride motorcycles. Say, women who drive vans (WWDV) could meet up in the park and share what they like about their vans, you know, what kinda accessories they get for it, go down the highway at 90 mph honking their horns with bras strapped to the antennas or lay across it in a hot bikini by the time Hubby pulls up in the driveway from work. You know, just be proud of the fact that they’re driving one like other folk who might drive, say, a corvette. If you’re not doing any of the things I just called out and driving a mini van, you ain’t liberated and you may as well snatch you up some cloth from your local fabric shop and stitch yourself one them Laura Ingall’s dresses from Little House on the Prairie ’cause that’s how you look to me. Don’t think I’m knocking folks, I’m really here to help.
What I want for these women is to be happy, that’s all, and stop looking like they’ve been sucking on sour milk from their babies’ bottles and the shit didn’t settle right on their stomachs. If you really didn’t want the thing when you signed your Janie Hancock, you ain’t gonna have much attachment to it once it gets old and starts breaking down on your ass. For real. You’re gonna end up resenting your husband who’s driving around in his monster truck with the big wheels or whatever the hell he’s driving, is how it’s gonna end up. If you’re gonna do the housewife thing, where he’s bringing in all the cash, have some pride about how you looking in your ride. Your playa days may be over but damn if you have to look it!
Liberate your ass from those six-seaters. It’s enough to be carrying around a diaper bag all day but to go about in a mini van is really setting you back a few notches. If I haven’t managed to convince you of the mini van effect (MVE), imagine a good sexy ass car dream your man could have if he could choose one. Would it be you on the roof of the mini van, and God forbids, a bicycle rack is up there and you’ve gotta find a comfortable spot for the weight you’ve probably packed on since the wedding photos that you don’t like thinking about anymore. Or would it be the babe in the mini skirt with the six inch heels and botox lips who looks like she could be queen of the Playboy mansion?…Uh uh. Don’t even try it ’cause it wouldn’t be you. Stop hallucinating.
Look. Now, I realize my posts are usually about my little life. This post is no different ’cause I’m affected by WWDVs. I have compassion for them. Really, I do. However, I get downright impatient to be parked near these WWDVs and they can’t grab a hold of Jerry ’cause he’s run around to the other side of the vehicle, Dana’s crying in the shopping cart on account of the WWDV can’t get the little belt unlocked and you know I could go on but my main concern is these women folk ain’t looking none too happy to me. Is it really not the van and that they have to shop in Wal Mart ’cause Target’s too high? Is it that damn hot outside that the sun’s dried up their smiles? Or is it that when they got out and about, they realized they were still wearing their house panties instead of their public panties and suddenly been struck with thoughts of what-if-I-have-an-accident? (Ladies, remember that panties reveal as much about us as a coroner would find in an autopsy). I’m just an inquiring mind and seriously wanna know.
We all know men can play this role, like their all aloof and shit but I got the damn skinny on this mini van. They know what the hell they’re doing and that’s to keep other men folk from looking at you. Hell, I don’t even wanna look at you stepping outta no mini van. So, now that you know, don’t go off getting your little house panties in a bunch at how much sexier he looks driving his shit that ain’t got screaming kids in the back seats. Oh, he’s gonna act like it’s your weight or something or another ’cause that’s how they do but honestly and truly, that mini van’s gonna make you look no different from a school bus driver and how many sexy ones have you laid eyes on lately?
And just for my sake and other women folk thinking along these same lines, if you’re a WWDV, be mindful of how you’re looking before stepping outta the van. Shit, wear your sunglasses if it’s hot. Keep yourself a good amount of sexy underwear that won’t get stuck in the crack of your ass in public places. Hell, good underwear are like toilet paper. You should never run out. And lastly, I know folk don’t like this word but I’m using it anyway. If you don’t get control of them younguns at home, they’re gonna control you in public and that scowl I tend to see with WWDVs can last a fair amount of years while driving around in that mini van.
What did you say he was driving again?
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Laughing!! I drive a min-van and love it! I ALWAYS look sexy.
I wear short shorts and tank tops and sunglasses and makeup 
It is very convenient for hauling kids and stuff and sports equipment and it’s all paid off and we can’t afford a new car. BUT…the next car will be a mini-couper. I just love those little things.
You are one of the rare few. You should be honking
But hey, paid
that horn every time you drive it too.
off is always a good thing.
Love the article, I am gonna get mini van soon…….
Thank you. Well, what can I say about guys who drive
mini vans? I’ll have to deliberate on that one.
It would be unfair if you dont write one on men because I am gonna sell my sports car and get mini van. But admire good writers.
You know, I just may just write it too. But that would be
such an unfair trade. Would people even recognize you
in a mini van? They may cease communication with you
even. LoL!
My Mom drove a mini-van for years. Actually, she just got a truck because our latest van broke down. That was our family vehicle because my Dad drove a work van all the time. It was so awesome for going to the States….My sister and I each had a bench to sleep on with blankets and luggage and stuff packed around. And when going to a cottage we could each bring a friend and still have room for all our stuff! I totally get what you’re saying I do, lol, and sometimes I agree with you. I like cars myself. My Mom got a truck this time because she wanted something high, not like she was sitting on the ground. And plus, my sis and I drive now so they don’t really need as much space.
Don’t be knockin’ all mini-van drivers
. I don’t know if I’d want one, but I don’t need one right now. Oh, and by the way, lol, my Mom was also a bus driver for many years who had a house cleaning business on the side. Bah! Sure she weighs more than she did at her wedding, but she’s always been on the big side. My Dad is one of those guys who doesn’t like stick women. Plus he’s so clueless that even when women do flirt with him (and they have, believe me) he has no idea.
Anyway, great post, it made me laugh! Nice to be back ^_^.
Drove a van and bus? Well, alright then. Sounds like you guys had the
best fun in the van too. You know, when kids grow up with that reliable
kind of vehicle, it reminds me of the family pet when I think about it.
And long as Dad was happy with it, and mom of course, the kids could
really care less. It’s all good. Thanks for sharing your story.
You made me laugh early in the morning. You are so funny girl. No minivan for me!
Yes Ariana. we’re too sexy for those things.
Glad you got a morning
laugh on.
A nut is what you are LMAO!!!! I drive a van but this thang is old and the kids is grown. Im going after that mini cooper or camaro….flossing dawg! I am guilty for looking mean and angry but its because I ready to bust some butt for looking at me slick!!!! You can git the girl outta the Chi but you cain’t git the Chi outta the girl! I need prayer y’all cause I will jump outta the Kia on a fool with some flooding pants LMAO!
You’re crazy! You floss right on then, girlfriend! LoL! At least
you know you look mean. I’m rofl at you!
You are hilarious!
Mini vans are practical, I guess, but I have no kids to drive around. So when it was time to choose a car for myself, I did get a little one, one that I can park almost anywhere. It’s not a sexy car, but it does make me smile everytime I see it sitting there waiting for me, sky blue and happy to take me where I need to go.
Yeah, they’re practical and don’t mix with sexy at all.
I remember when I was about 20 and a friend of mine had something
like a mini station wagen. She was trying to go in the Army Reserves
and the recruiter asked me, “What the heck does she need with a
car like that?” REALLY not a good look on a young person.
Your take on life is too funny. I used to drive a minivan because I had two large dogs. I’m done with that. You don’t have to worry about me in one of those again!
But you are riding sexy now, I hope.
Glad you enjoyed the post.
“your little house panties…” haha, too funny, though I dipped in here because I used to have only one complaint about these mini van drivers. Who in the ykw buys a mini van and races it like a race car!?! WHO!?! For a while it’s all I used to see… them and those SUVs (and yes I do, do the SUVs) but every snow and ice storm I would come up on one hugged up to a tree because drivers drive these very family vehicles that don’t typically like speed, like sports cars!!!
On that point I must agree. Buy a sports car. On the rest…yes I did laugh…but I don’t know Tots…eyes closed, now trying to get up off the floor.
The house panties is another post. I’d definitely have some twists
and turns with that one. Lol! Glad it tickled you finny bone. Get up
off that floor girl and do some writing. LOL!
I would not be caught dead in a minivan. We have two big dogs. We do need a vehicle with some space for them. So we got a sleek black 5 series BMW wagon to haul them around in. Other wise, we have the convertible 2 seater BMW M Roadster, or the little BMW 4 seater coupe. We will never own a minivan or an SUV and never, Sister, is a long long time.
A to the men on that, sister! You ride those dogs with class then.
Why should you suffer because you love your dogs?
What a cynic you are! Bitter experience or a wise soul?
Just an observation. Don’t read anything into it.
Good one. When my son was born the ‘SO’ bought a red mini van. I refused to drive it and never did. He bought it while ‘for me’ while I was still in the hospital. Thought ‘I needed it’ since I had two babies to drive around. The man prayed for lightening to strike him dead when he saw the look on my face as the nurse wheeled me to the front of the hospital upon my discharge. He had to give up his car because I flat out refused to slip my ass in that monstrosity. In case you didn’t figure it out, I am anti mini vans or anything that tries to define me in a one size fits all category. We’re not one size.
I told you we think alike.
How dare he? I remember after my
son was born, my husband bought me some pants with an elastic
waistband, I was livid! I can imagine your expression when you
saw that mini van. A red one at that! lol!
LMAO as usual – your posts just continuously brighten my day. I did have a mini-van – eons ago. Worked really well for hauling kids. Now I have a suburban which I love. I’ve been driving it for ten years – its been from one end of the country to the next. Works well with two HUGE German Shepherds. Next will probably be a four door truck – the dogs will have their own place in the back. Let me go and dry the tears from laughing!! And the “little house panties”! You are sooooooooooo right. Never leave home without clean, PRETTY or sexy undies!!!
I’m glad my posts do that for you. and yes, those little house panties
needs to stay in the house. You know, we have have it together.
—Tots,
You are H::I::L::A::I:::O::U::S !!!!
Daaaaaaaaaaamn. And it’s true. It’s all true. they hang out at WalFart.
Those mini-van men like their women fat with their ass-crack hangin out, pregnant & smokin cheap cigarettes… while they’re out drinkin & cruisin.
btw, have I told you lately that you are HILAREOUS? Xx HAAAAAAAAAA.
You’re just as hilarious. Got me laughing over here! LoL!
My goodness, Kim. Someone else commented and wanted a
male version of this and you’ve given me something to
ponder in your observations. Girl, you’re stone crazy!!!
Totsy Mae, this one is way above my head. I’m at a loss for words, so I’m going to have to sit this one out. But I do love your graphite on paper.
Just one of those things, I suppose. Glad you like the drawing though.
I’m so glad this rant was about women that drive mini vans.. I would hate to hear what you have to say about pick up trucks… now be careful totsey…honey.. as I drive one of those.. I know it doesn’t go with my “fashion feng shey.”… but a smart wife picks her battles.. ha!!! That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!!!
Pick-ups aren’t too bad but I do have a little tale I could share.
I just saw a promo of an interview Sarah Jessica Parker is going to do with Katie Couric and she tells Katie that she drives a mini van! She needs to read your post — LOL!
You’re beyond funny. Have you ever thought of standup? You’d be good. You’ve got a wicked sense of humor.
Well, she ain’t all that no how.
No, never thought of stand up but I swear I did it in another life.
Totsymae, this side of the Black Stump, mini-vans are called sin-bins – the boyz drive ‘em, wouldn’t catch any clued-in gal (bunched-up panties, whatever) within coo-ee of a mini-van, cheers catchul8r molly
No mom and dad wants to see their daughter go off on a date in a
sin-bin. I know I wouldn’t allow it. Too easy, you know, for sin and
whatnot.
Got to agree with you, Totsaymae. Those mini vans are rough. No one seems to be able to park them so you have to watch out for a sliding door and a small kid being thrown out to hobble into the store for milk and bread. Laughed out loud. Pretty funny stuff!!!
Welcome back. Annie. Glad you enjoyed my little observation.
Haha. Note-to-self. I will not buy my wife a mini van and call it liberation. After reading this, how can a woman ever let that happen?
See, I knew a guy would swing by and pick up on the importance of
Nice meeting you.
this.
Totsy, someone needs to put you in charge of handing out the Hot and Sexy cards for women. I’m guilty though, my wife had a mini-van for a while, and I have to admit, it was way better than that 1965 Buick wagon with the hump in the middle and the fold-out back seat in the wagon area. Better yes, but sexy – hell no. Thanks for making me laugh, Totsy.
I knew you were the mini van buying type. I thought, “Totsy, now
you already know Phil’s bought his wife one, why are you talking
about that man?” Lol!