Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2011 Totsymae
I love Dr. Phil, with that big country ass mustache. For real. I think he needs to match it up with the patch of hair on his head but that’s okay. I love a man who knows his shit. Like in any relationship, I’ve gotten pissed and turned him off for awhile but then, I can’t stay away. Robin better be glad I ain’t out there, in California, or wherever the show’s taped or I’d push her ass outta that seat.
You know, on those shows you see some folks who are all messed up. Shit, I can’t say I ain’t fit to be sitting on that panel my damn self. I couldn’t be on TV getting my therapy though. Something’s innately wrong with folk who get treatment that way, but I guess that’s partly why they end up there in the first place. There was one show, The New Adventures of Old Christine, where Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who plays Christine, goes for therapy and ends up getting it on with her therapist. That would be an ideal set-up for me if I had therapy (Why not?). But that wasn’t before this one episode where he was fixing her tire, bent down and turned her off ’cause she could see he was wearing thongs. I was feeling ole girl on that. That’s some questionable shit right there.
My mom and I used to commute, her going to work and me to school, some years back. Now, she was married but not blind, okay. There was this nicely dressed man who rode the bus too. She’d point him out and you have to know, me being young, this kinda helped me out on knowing what I should be looking for in a man on how he should carry himself. Anyway, the man was clean but not flashy. A right handsome fella, he was. I just wondered if he had a car but didn’t study on that too long ’cause he was getting the secret eye from my mom, ’til he did some shit that turned her off. Folks, the man sat down this one particular morning on the bus and his socks didn’t match his shoes. Oh, she was done with him after that. Shortly after, this was around the time I got another lesson on how to measure a man’s worth. And that’s kinda important. One of those lessons was, “If a man’s wearing rundown shoes, he ain’t hittin’ on shit.” Now, that man she was crushing on didn’t have rundown shoes, he just wasn’t matching up. I felt bad for the man on not knowing how to match up his shit, y’all. She didn’t give him much attention after that. Folks, if you think I can say some shit, I’m merely the apple that dropped from the tree, okay.
It is, however, natural that I look at a man’s shoes and socks now but that’s not a deal-breaker for me (Maybe it should be). What breaks it for me is a man who talks to a woman like shit. That ain’t right and based on what I know about folks in general, that kinda shit only speaks to how little that person is on the inside. And you know, when I look back on this one fella I was all fancied by, I feel sorry for him. Not sorry enough to stick around though. Uh uh. I even told him a time or two he was a bitch. A high maintenance one, at that! Plus, I don’t think there’s a fitting time to keep folk like that around. Hell, I’ve dumped women friends for their nit-pickety shit. I know I’ve got my ways but never will there be a time when I jibe with a man who shows contempt toward women. I could diagnose that, based on my extensive history with Dr. Phil but I’ll leave that to folk who are actually state-licensed.
I said all that to take you here, folks. On a much more serious note…a VERY serious note…some of you may be familiar with My Inner Chick’s blog, which pays tribute to the memory of her sister Kay, who left us as a result of domestic violence. Kim, who writes the blog, is witty and uses expletives like a pro (big ole smile and a wink at cha, chick). She keeps asking if I’m a real person, and yep, I kinda think so. See, the connection I have with her loss is having a mother who survived that very thing. So…who knew I’d be sitting here telling you this but the One from yonder… Lordy, mercy…
I'm an artist who's writing,mothering, blogging and doing a few other things under the sun. I buy toilet paper 99.9% of every trip I make to the grocery store. I'm a people watcher, so I know you're here but drop me a line anyway.
Totsy, I’ve got to say that I too stumbled onto Kim’s blog just last week and was quite struck by its purpose and the love that shines through all them fine expletives, deftly said. With a common thread you two share in your special way, it’s a relief to know that you both manage to talk to or trust any fellas at all. I’m going to guess you’re both real people and I feel very special to know you both.
Well, I’d hang around and gush all about you two even more, but I have to get back to this vacation stuff, trying to copycat you and all…
Yes, Kim has quite a voice. So strong, passionate and as I told her recently, beautifully tender. I can feel her from where I am.
I don’t every every man accountable for the flaws of a few. And aren’t just as special to know you too, Phil. You crack me up.
Enjoy your fishing, or whatever you call yourself doing. 
With your mom, it was the socks. I’ve rejected men because of their hands. I like a man with strong hands, nicely trimmed nails. It’s the little things that matter.
I had no idea you were so into Dr. Phil. Look out, Robin!
Kim’s blog is so raw, it’s powerful.
Oh, my. Guys just don’t have it easy with you. I wonder how we establish some of those small things to pick out and stick with it.
But I look at hands too. Those nails gotta be clean for me, girl.
Yep, I watch Dr. Phil faithfully and Robin better watch her back! Lol!!!
Love Kim’s blog. You described it exactly.
I’m very glad that you’re here to tell your stories and that your mother survived to teach you some of the wisdom you share with us every time you write (even if she was a little neurotic about socks).
Being a writer yourself, I’m glad when others who understand the power of words get what I write and enjoy it.
Yep, mom had this thing about socks/shoes. Maybe it’s because she’s a shoe girl herself.
Totsymae, Totsymae, you are something else. I remember that man. He was good looking, but I didn’t remember the mismatched socks. He could have been a good man with a good heart. Can’t judge a man by mismatched socks. Ahhh, so young and blind to the things that really matter.
Yep, I was a victim of domestic violence and will tell all of you women out there, donot, absolutely, donot take that kind of shit from any man. I don’t care how much you think you “love” him, he doesn’t love you, if he did he would not abuse you. It’s as simple as that. Maybe one day I will tell my story to the world. What in the hell do we know at 24 years old?
Love you girl, keep up the good work!!!
Love you back!
So glad you’re writing on this. Many people (men and women) stay with a verbally abusive partner, and tell themselves, “Well, s/he’s never HIT me. If s/he did THAT, I would leave.”
It’s true that some people “only” batter with words, not with fists, but physical abuse is ALWAYS preceded by verbal abuse. It can sneak up on you gradually, your partner can start out sweet and loving and wonderful, and then, either gradually or suddenly, they are finding fault with everything you do, while you struggle to figure out what YOU did to make your fabulous partner change. Verbal abuse may include being yelled at, but somebody can also abuse you without ever raising their voice.
It’s not your fault. http://www.verbalabuse.com/ Learn about it, and if you’re in a relationship like that, put together a plan to leave, but don’t get too rough on yourself for being in that spot in the first place.
Thank you for sharing the website, Beverly. I understand verbal/physical abuse is kinda high among among teen couples, so this is VERY important. Being the strong voice you are, I’m not surprised you would have this resource.
You summed it all up perfectly.
Oh boy, you get me every time Totsymae. I was laughing so hard the whole time, and nodding my head. I know what you mean about Dr. Phill too. Then you tied the humor into something very serious. That is a very good way to get people’s attention. Great post. I am going to share it with some people.
Pass it on, Michael Ann. I’m glad you enjoyed it and see the message conveyed.
I hate bad teeth on a man.
Yep. Not at all attractive.
My Dear, Tots.
—here you had me laughing about thongs, mustaches, and shit…and then I get to the bottom and I see my name.
Your generosity is overwhelming & beautiful. You are beautiful. You are real.
I am so happy your mother got out of her situation…I only wish Kay would have. When I think about our loss, sometimes I can’t breathe.
Thank you for your abundant Kindness. xxX
You’re even more beautiful, Kim. I know it’s been tough but what you’re doing in having your blog spreads a message that shows how giving you are, sharing Kay with the world. Love the bond of your sisterhood. You continue to be a gift to each other.
I’m not going to lie…Dr. Phil bugs the bejesus out of me. That guy thinks his don’t stink while he’s up in everybody’s face telling the world what’s wrong with them. Robin can have him! But your mom and you are a scream, Totsymae! Never given much thought to mismatched socks, but I will now! On a serious note, Kim and My Inner Chick’s blog is a wonderful read. Domestic violence is too prevalent and it saddens me beyond belief. Like Beverly said, it can start verbally and change on a dime. Thanks for the wonderful post, Totsymae!
I know, Dr. Phil’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
Yep, mom’s something.
I’d been seeing a few movies, where domestic violence is a strong element. It’s a difficult topic.
Thanks for your comments.
Totsy Mae, you can never accuse me of having raggedy shoes, but socks, I have put some on in the dark that don’t match in the light, and, unfortunately, it was too late once the bedroom door shut behind me. I, belatedly, feel for the brother! Love the title! And I’m wondering: Why’s the blog so sassy and the painting so serene? You’ve got something up your sleeve… Hahaha…
Mismatched socks might be common with men, now that I think about it. I mean, you guys can only wear so many colors to match the shoes and the styles are so close, it easy to make the mistake.
The serene and sassy mix? Well, as brash as Totsy can be, she’s got a soft side.
It comes out, no matter that she tries to send out a different message.
I’ve been known to wear mismatched shoes, so I guess I can’t complain about socks. But a thong would be too much.
Both of my parents made it clear to me that if one hit, the other was outta there. I wish everyone could hear and internalize that message.
Yep. Oprah used to say that if someone hits you, they don’t like you. Simple as that.
Both are good messages to consider.
There was a Russian movie back in the 80s , that actually got an Oscar. The main character – woman was commenting on how she would never fall for a man with dirty shoes, that reminds me of your mom in your post. No matter where we live and how we were raised women have the same ideas. And regarding the domestic abuse, no matter where you are from, what language you speak if man is abusive to a woman than he is no man, period.
“…no matter where you are from, what language you speak if man is abusive to a woman than he is no man, period.”
A good line, Ariana.