I’ve about had it, twiddling my damn thumbs around here. Looking at all the shows that’s made regular folk like me become popular, the solution’s been staring me in the face all along. I don’t know why it had never cross my mind before.
See folks, on a few different occasions, I was trying to find a quick hustle to pimp ole Totsy’s name in neon lights in the way of a reality show. But I have to tell you, I wouldn’t even look at me on TV. I mean shit, I ain’t all that interesting to me. What the hell am I gonna do on the TV set in your living room? Paint? Play around on my computer blogging? Cut the damn grass? Shop for cheap gas? Who the hell wanna see some shit like that?
Then, I came up with the idea of putting a YouTube video out there. Still haven’t figured out what the hell I’d be doing but shit, seems like folk figure it all out right there on the camera, impromptu style. Some of the dumbest shit be on that website and it ends up hotter than July in this here south I’m living in.
Just a quick second ago, I came up with the idea that once my book is published, I could do a public reading in the nude. What the hell’s wrong with that? Well, I’d have to do some alternative drug to even build up the nerve for that and you know, I just like shit to come out naturally, without mind altering sorta products. Kinda my whole reason for thinking of reading naked in the first place.
But then, it all came to me when I wrote this little article yesterday. Hugh Hefner is single and available, y’all. I mean, it’s never been a dream of mine to marry somebody old enough to be my granddaddy but what the hell is a dream if you don’t set the wheels in motion to make it all come true? You think all those ex-wives were really in love with ole Hugh or were they thinking along the lines of enterprising like me? Even with a prenup, I’m sure those women ain’t wanting for shit. The economy ain’t nearly as rocky for them as it is for regular folk like you and me. And you can say what you want but you have to keep in mind, a good few of them playmates up in that house are college educated. My ass could fit right on in there and I know once I got to batting my lashes, meowing and running my mouth, Hugh wouldn’t be able to resist me.
What I’m thinking is, this last bunny he aimed to keep his heart pumping was missing a few watts in her bulb. I mean, she’s out here talking about she don’t know what’s gonna happen to her next. This bunny ain’t got no career path now what she’s hopped from the altar and into these mean streets of job-hunters but I ain’t mad at her. This only presents me the opportunity to get my ass on a plane to where America’s number one playa is and make myself known to him. Hell, if I get nipped and tucked in a few places and finalize that pedicure appointment I’ve been procrastinating on, who’s to say ole Hef won’t find me a fuzzy ball to strap to my ass and have me photographed with a pacifier in my mouth. Shit, folk can talk about morality until I’m blue in the ass, I’m telling you, that ain’t nothing but folk hatin’ cause of them being too chicken to step out and snatch up their own dream.
(Wagging my finger in your face) Don’t judge or hate on me ’cause I’m hopping a plane to ole Hef’s to get my bunny tail. He’s probably got one with my name written all over it.
(My arrogance now, suddenly fading) I just hope these few pounds I put on don’t make it squeeze the shit out of me.