I can’t seem to manage blogging with any amount of consistency these days. WordPress told me today that I had 5 days to renew my site or they were giving me the boot. I’m a little disturbed that in renewing, I can’t get that ad off unless I pay, when I was the one who volunteered to have the ads here in the first place. Why did I do it? ‘Cause everybody else was doing it. Well, maybe not you but somebody was, so I figured I should too. Now, I don’t want it anymore and can’t get rid of it without paying. Like a bad marriage.
But I won’t whine any longer. Today, I’m sharing a story from my beloved book of tales, Sock It to Me, Baby. I must also share the review George gave the book on Amazon. I never solicited her to do this but I thought you’d like to know, and I’d like you to know, what’s being said about me and my work (wink, wink):
Ms. Fomby explores the complexity of human interactions in well-drawn sketches of her contemporary “Cannery Row” characters. The characters are presented without sentimentality and with their flaws and foibles intact. The portraits are often harsh, and always humorous. There are the down-on-their-luck folks and the self-indulgent swindlers, the lazy, the addicted, the hypocritical and the self-important. The sketches are boisterous, outrageous, funny and familiar. Ms.Fomby writes with a natural style that draws the reader in. She adopts the dialect of her characters throughout lending credibility to their voices. “Sock It To Me, Baby” is entertaining, hilarious, bawdy and entirely readable. A solid
I never properly thanked George for her well-written review. With her being the smart woman she is, I believe every word she said. (Wink, wink). Thank you much, George. You’re most appreciated, as well as the readers who visit this blog. Now, let me spin a little tale for you, folks…
Some Souls to Keep
What he felt and wanted to say to his dying mother was caught in his throat. She lay, closer to dust than life, and the most he could do was stand above her looking, the memories of faceless men coming and leaving her bedroom from way back. One even peeped in his door and stepped a foot in ‘til he heard her drunken voice calling about bringing some weed back from ‘round the block.
There were no mix of emotions. He felt nothing at all. Not even bitterness welled up. His sister walked in, filled with enough for them both.
Posted in Flash Fiction Fridays | Tagged 100 word stories, amazon review, art, cannery row, ebook, fiction, flash fiction, george weaver, humor, she kept a parrot, sock it to me baby, stories, unclad, writing | 7 Comments »
I don’t know if you wonder too but I wonder about retired folk. Like, my aunt sends emails and two minutes later, she calls to see if I checked it. If you become her friend on Facebook, be prepared to get a ton of invites to play games.
One thing you can count on from retirees, they know about every piece of news going on in the world. I don’t have to watch it on TV. All I gotta do is call my mama and she’ll tell you not only what’s happening downtown and across town, she can tell you what’s happening across the street and forecast what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I’m telling you folks, a psychic’s got nothing on folk who don’t have full-time employment and who’s been living in this world for some time.
When my mama retired, she kept talking about cashing in on her social security. She couldn’t wait, folks. I’ve never seen anybody so eager to get old. This year, she tells me she’s having a medicare party. I said, “WHAT?!” She said real calmly, “That’s right. A medicare party.” A few weeks prior, she kept saying, “Honey, I’ll be 65 this year.” She’s been saying it for about a year, actually. I got so tired of her saying it, I finally told her, “And you look every bit of it, plus some.” She goes, “NO, I DON’T! YOU KNOW THAT’S A LIE!”
Another thing about retired folk, they’re always talking about getting a job. For about eight years, that’s what my mama said and finally, she gets one, starting next month. Two of my aunts talked about it and I assume it’ll take them about 8 years too. My mama is obviously the trailblazer among them. They should give her a job party.
But oh, I can’t discount her other work and service to the community. She teaches line dancing at every senior center that’ll let her in. She’ll teach you too if you give her five minutes of your time. She doesn’t even have to know your name. Got legs, will line dance is her motto. Hell, if your battery’s good and charged on your wheelchair, she’ll work that out for you too. If there’s a will, there’s a damn way. Okay? She will set that iPod up and line dance the shit outta you.
I used to imagine I’d become a gardener when I get up in age. I’ve got some years before retirement but I can clearly see being a gardener’s not in the cards for me. I could, however, see myself in a white Kung Fu get-up, trying to kickbox or some other foolishness that would land me on my ass. In the meantime, there’s no hurry to rush anything.
Posted in Everyday Shit | Tagged age, aging, birthday, celebration, funny, humor, laughs. line dancing, life, medicare, mothers, mothers and daughters, old age, party, relationships, retirement, settled, teaching | 18 Comments »
Collage/Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae
The heat is on in Washington, wouldn’t you say? I don’t know all the details but I know enough to say that I’m glad your Uncle ain’t up and in my business. However,?I do wonder why these folk, who happen to be Tea Partyers aren’t paying taxes.?I mean, now that this has been dug up, I know I’m not the only inquiring mind who wanna know the answer to that question. On the other hand (and I’m looking at it right now, which could use some lotion), I’m glad my name’s not President Barrack Obama. Ooh Barrack, how you gonna find your way outta this, Baby?
Mr Attorney General’s on the case to investigate the matter?but Mr Holder and President, I need y’all to do me some small favors if you REALLY wanna get on the good side of the folks out here in your America. I mean, you don’t have to but I think it would be to your benefit to dig up:
Why I can’t find my glasses. ?This happens to more folk than me, I’m sure. I really think a law should be passed that when folk misplace them, they get a free pair. You know, like when one loses their debit card and have to call the bank for a replacement, like I had to do this past Sunday.
Now, I’m not the smartest chip in the cookie and trying to get free stuff from the government but I think, and this is my honest and logical opinion so don’t go raising your eyebrow. BUT. I think with this whole wiretapping which the government is trying to turn into law, that if you’re gonna listen in on folk, nobody should have to pay for phone service. You’d certainly get more information that way. I shouldn’t have to pay $200 to tell you all my business. This needs to be an equitable relationship for both of us. You feel me?
I also need you to put on your to-do list as to why WalMart can put up those buildings that sell everything from China and leave vacant warehouses like they’re sleeping with our Uncle. I don’t care how many folk sign a petition against these bullies building in their neighborhoods, they never win. I’m really gonna need you to look into that Mr Attorney General, unless you already know and not saying. I’m gonna need you to say, if?the latter is the case.
And one last thing, Mr General. I know this may make sense in one way and not in another. And yeah, I’m asking for free again but I don’t wanna have to pay for trash pick-up anymore. I mean, it’s trash. You could never pay me enough to deal with anybody’s trash, so I’m quite sure sanitation workers feel the same way. Now, I know it’s a local issue but if you sent?word down the pipe that this service should be free, so be it. Hell, our Uncle started collecting taxes during the war and ain’t stopped since. When can you stop that action, by the way?
Posted in Everyday Shit | Tagged humor, free stuff, satire, lists, politics, government, laughs, investigation, taxes, uncle sam, bullies, walmart, eminent domain, eric holder, president barrack obama, U.S. Government, law, I.R.S, Tea party, U.S. Attorney General, wiretapping, china goods, walmart bullies | 10 Comments »
“Prfile in Blue” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae
I’m a nice person, according to myself and some other folk. I find it hard to say no and often times, sacrifice what I want in order to not ruffle feathers. I’ll put myself out and let you in and then wonder why the hell am I standing outside. In the rain, no less.
Folks, I’m not a rich woman. I mean, I could tell you I’m balling behind this computer if I wanted. You wouldn’t know the difference. Shit, if I was rich, nobody would know anyhow ’cause I’m a regular country folk. Plus, the way it’s going, I’d not tell anybody ’cause I wouldn’t want folk hands in my pockets.
How’s it going, you ask. I’m so happy to oblige your inquiry ’cause I know you’ve probably been in situations when you find ‘no’ a difficult command or sacrifice when your first mind tells you otherwise. Now, when I do you a favor, I’m not expecting anything in return. I understand something good will come back to me, even if it’s not directly from the folk I did the favor for. Even then, I’m doing what I do ’cause I can. That’s it.
However. Sometimes, I can’t help. Sometimes, you’re gonna have to ride somebody else’s back. Shit, you damn near about to break mine, okay? Folk need to understand when they’re getting heavy. I understand times are hard. My times ain’t exactly soft.
This is the year when I learn to say no, you can’t eat the whole damn pie and leave me the crumbs. I like sweet shit too. I have a generous spirit but I do declare, I am not Paul Revere’s horse, okay? After all, I dress like shit so I don’t know how folk fix it in their minds that I got this and that, with shit to spare. I drive a regular ole vehicle and my house, well, it’s nice but it could use a serious decorator. Now, if you do that sorta thing, I wouldn’t be mad if you went pro bono on me, okay?
Look, I’m just trying to hurry Karma along ’cause she’s been acting real slow lately. Matter of fact, I’m about to go to the corner and wait for her. Hope I don’t get mistakened for a woman in that profession. Then again, I could sho’ nuff be ballin’ then….Hmmm, where’re my red stillettos?
Posted in Everyday Shit | Tagged borrow, comedy, drama, humor, karma, kindness, laughs, life, satire, woman of means, working | 24 Comments »
“On the Outside” Watercolor/Ink on paper. Copyright 2013 Totsymae
If you read my bio, you may recall me saying I am a sensitive person. A lotta folk say that so I’ll be specific and say that should you ever visit me, I’m gonna make you feel like you should be here. Now, I won’t treat you like royalty (’cause you’re not) and break my back about making you feel welcomed. I will, however, allow you to fall into the natural flow, within a few set limitations.
Like, I wouldn’t ask you to do dishes or clean the bathroom or anything of that nature. I won’t even ask you to get your own beverage. Depending on how often you visit, that is. I’d be more than happy to get you a cold drink but don’t expect wine and cheese, okay? The natural flow is that I don’t eat cheese or buy wine, so there’s a 100% chance that I won’t be buying any for you either. I’m just being straight up honest before you even pack your bags to come here, okay?
Now, another element of the natural flow is that should I have other folk over while you’re on visitation with me, I expect you to be cordial in the way of greeting them. I think that’s a simple request and the Universe, God or whoever you were sent here to represent will be pleased with you. Matter of fact, one of the easiest things you can do in this world is say hello, don’t you think?
To go a little further, if you happen to know or have some familiarity about the other folk in the house and so unfortunately didn’t like them, that’s pretty much your business. I’d appreciate you keeping that to yourself. I well understand everybody’s not gonna like each other. Shit. That’s life. I’m real fine with you showing your distaste for them at your own house. I mean, it’s your house. Do what the hell you want there. But. I’m gonna need you to keep in mind that you’re a guest when you’re at other folk house and there’s this thing called courtesy and consideration due. Even if you don’t open your mouth to say a damn thing, that’s translating something, which in my mind, equates to being rude.
To take this one last step further, I’m also gonna need you to not get co-signers, asking other folk how they feel about some other person on account of you feeling some kinda way. Those folk are also guests and that’s not how to visit folk. You dig me? What I want you to know is that should I come to your house, I will act decent and in order ’cause your place ain’t mine and mine ain’t yours. Neither am I gonna treat you any kinda way just ’cause you’re in my house. Although I could, why even have you here if that’s the agenda? I don’t have time to bother with you like that anyhow.
In essence, I don’t want you feeling like an outsider in my home (unless you overstayed your welcome, that is) and I’m gonna thank you in advance for giving me the Southern Belle treatment when I visit you. I’ll have two ice cubes in my lemonade on the front porch, please.
Posted in Everyday Shit | Tagged courtesy, guests, lesson, life lessons, manners, outsiders, rude, rules, southern belle, southern hospitality, visitors, welcome | 16 Comments »
Chris Ofili’s Holy Virgin Mary
You ever wonder what folk say behind your back? I don’t but I’ve very recently been told that I’m bourgeois and snooty. That’s hardly me and I don’t know why they say it about you but I understand why they say it about me.
You see, when folk want to know you or want something they can’t get, they get to name-calling. I call my sister big head but I don’t say it on account of not being unable to get something. It’s a simple fact that she’s got a big head. My mother has a nose so sharp, it could cut diamonds. Another simple fact and I’m not trying to get anything from her either. I have physical proof of these things. Therefore, I’m not being judgemental. That’s not the case in my case, however.
The fella who told me that my neighbors called me bourgeois is supposed to be my friend. He didn’t agree with them at the time they said it but during our discussion, he agreed with them. He then went on to tell me some other things about me that he’d been thinking all along, as if I cared to know. I know myself better than anybody and if I didn’t, I don’t reckon I’d be asking him. Traitor!
Now, if you were to tell me that I’m opinionated after spending time reading my blog, I couldn’t rightly disagree with you but I probably wouldn’t agree either. If you said, “That damn Totsy is loud and her paintings look like shit,” well, I know I sound rather loud and country as all get out but how I paint is a matter of opinion I couldn’t argue the point on. After all, your opinion belongs to you and I really don’t care to take it away from you.
It’s easy to argue the physical ’cause the evidence is clear but even that can be subjective, unless I did some Chris Ofili painting and actually had shit on the canvas. Now, as far as I’m concerned, I’m not into trying to dispel anything folk think about me. My time can be better spent. Besides, I don’t see my neighbor being in the write-up of folk I left behind when I make my final transition. I’ll just enjoy the fact that anybody’s thinking anything about my ass at all.
On a side note, do any of you folk remember this painting by Ofili and the stink it caused?
Posted in Everyday Shit | Tagged art, chris ofili, friends, judgments, neighbors, opinions, shit, snooty, stink, talking | 16 Comments »
Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae
It’s a beautiful day to be alive and gossiping, people. I have so much scoop for you today, I could darn near choke. Somebody get behind thee and give me the Heimlich Manuever. Preferrably Harry Connick, Jr. Hello?
Let me jump right into this because Ms. Gwenyth, Paltrow, that is, I know you’ve been nervously awaiting to hear my take on you being named the most beautiful woman in the world. What a backlash. Basically, your photo has been nailed to the public wall and filled with darts and bird poop. I wouldn’t want to be you right now, even with that sweet bank account. Don’t you worry your pampered self over this at all, however. Damn if you aren’t and damn if you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Who gets to cry over that every day? That’s part of the Hollywood territory, and horror story, in your case. At least your name’s not Kim Kardashian.
And Reese Witherspoon. You were more than a notion in my neck of the woods and I simply can’t appreciate that. I think you’re one of the smartest It girls in Hollywood and you played the celebrity card while intoxicated, which leads me to think that what you said to that officer, who lays his life on the line on a daily basis, was not better than you in no shape, form or fashion. I need to re-think my relationship with you because what’s in comes out and for now, I’ve seen just about enough.
The big story of this gossiping hour is Ann Curry from the Today Show. She is singing to her friends like a battered bird and Matt Lauer is flying like a bat from the show when his contract is over next year.
Look, rich people. I truly, honest to God, stamp-my-foot-three-times-to-give-a-shout-out-to-the-Almighty-with-a-tambourine-shaking-in-my-left-hand, wish I had your problem. Ann, stop crying. You messed up sometimes. I lied in bed eating strawberries with whipped cream from the night before, watching you faithfully. Mistakes happen. You made many of them and I’m not mad at you for it. Nor do I feel sorry because you are sitting on a cool 10 mil for each year left on your contract. Yes, it was quite humiliating to get laughed at and booted out so publicly but the average person isn’t so lucky to get kicked to the curb in such a fashion. Will you even draw unemployment and fear that it’ll run out? I mean, come on, Ann.
As for you, Matt. I do believe, and it’s just my personal opinion, that you are sexy in a subtle and unassuming way. You look innocent but come on, my ole Boo. I know you aren’t. You couldn’t stand Ann, didn’t want her sitting on the couch next to you and that’s the way it is on the job sometimes. I can most certainly relate. Before my gossip business took off, while I was still working at the phone company, which got me started with dipping in everybody’s kool-ade, I could not stand a handful of people I worked with either. They were always trying to be in my business and not get paid for it, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Now, did you bully and shun Ann? Again. You’re not as innocent as you look and if I’m wrong, which I don’t think I am, Karma is going to become your friend in a most invasive way.
Listen to me, rich people. I’m not Olivia Pope, so I’m not interested in fixing your problems but like the business savvy woman I am, I’m all about getting paid for spreading the word, good, bad or indifferent, and at least trying to bring you back to the world of where the real problems are. I highly recommend that each and every one of the aforementioned visit getyourlife.com, get yourself a patch or something.
Honest and Always True,
Beatrice from Apt. 7B
Posted in Beatrice from Apt 7B | Tagged ann curry, celebrity, co-workers, comedy, drunk reese witherspoon, firing, funny, gaffes, get real, gossip, gwenyth paltrow, harry connick jr, hollywood, hollywood gossip, job, kim kardashian, laughs, matt lauer, money, olivia pope, pity party, reese witherspoon, rich people, tell it like it is, the most beautiful woman in the world, today show, unemployment, work | 18 Comments »