Beyonce, Gaga and Wendy…Let’s Talk

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Don’t hate that I don’t dream of a white Christmas but The Bea is dreaming of Johnny Depp. It’s the only way I could pull this advertisement off. A girl has to do what a girl has to do, okay? I love this man and if there was a telepathic signal between us, he’d love all this lusciousness too. But on with the scoop.

People, are you at all surprised Beyonce’s photoshopping herself? I didn’t know you had that kind of time, B. With all of these contracts and engagements you have to fulfill for the Illuminati, who knew. You’ve got yourself some skills, girl. I can’t deny you that. And a little more self-obsessed than I gave you credit for. It’s hard for anybody to get their foot in the door. Namely, me. You are truly a girl who won’t be interrupted, even after birthing a child. You’ve done everything besides advertise toilet paper and tooth picks.

Gaga, can we talk? Why are people vomiting on you on stage? That has nothing to do with art and everything to do with desperation. Or maybe mental illness. I don’t know what you’re going through other than to say Hollywood is probably kicking your behind for you to deliver that as art to your audience. You’re gross, okay? Just do what Miley’s doing and take your clothes off. But oh, you have to be so different.

And Wendy Williams. Girrrrrrl. What’s with your husband in the store buying another woman shoes? Baby, you’re in the wrong business at this point in time of your life. You need to step aside and let The Bea ride this gravy train, okay? To the left, girlfriend. Had I known hubby enjoyed shoe shopping, I’d have emailed him my shoe and dress size, because I know he outfitted that woman. Though, shopping is all he can do for me, alright? I do not want you coming at me, Mrs. Wendy. I’m a big girl but you’re even bigger. Matter of fact, I take back what I said. Forget I mentioned any of this, okay?

Well people, I shall not keep you any longer because you’re getting no younger, unlike myself, alright? Besides, I have a continuation dream to conclude of Johnny. Ahhhhh…

 

Keeping You In the Know,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

Where, Oh Where, Has Halle’s Man Gone?

Beatrice's Diva's Wall © Totsymae 2014

Beatrice’s Diva Wall © Totsymae 2014

Bonjour, lovelies. If you’re not enjoying spring, have a fling with life. Get off the couch, being a slouch and live. I realize I’ve a lot to say but that’s my job. Volunteer or otherwise, I take blowing hot air into the universe very seriously. Amen. Where, oh where is a good piece of gossip when you need it? Just call 1-800-The-Bea, alright?

What am I juiced up with this fine day? Halle. There’s only one and girl, you know I’d have to get around to you sooner and not too much later. Look Halle Baby, I mean Berry, what exactly is going on with you? I’m beginning to believe, exterior beauty aside, something is deeply and darkly wrong with your not being able to keep a man. They are fleeing all over the place. I’m not making fun. Not at all. My utmost concern is for the children. If you need to call me, I’ll install a therapeutic line specifically for you, girlfriend. It’s all good because I’ll accept PayPal and Bill Me Later, alright? I’m all about making it convenient to collect that ching, ching. Don’t get it twisted. High five…

And no, Barbara Walters, I didn’t forget about you either. You’re the priestess of journalism but I have to say, we, the public, are so okay with you leaving. We won’t cry. I’m not sure why you felt the need to announce your retirement a year early. Who does that? We don’t care as much as you think but we’ve enjoyed you. Yay, yay. Congratulations but bye, girl. I’m gunning for your seat on The View. Speaking of the show, Jenny, are you trying to look studious with those glasses? Get the contacts, girl. You’re doing too much. While you may be smart, we really don’t care. If you were covering the evening news, I’d give you a pass but being on The View, I feel it’s necessary to stop you at the door, okay?

Siiiiiigh. I’m out of breath and bursting at the seams, people. I mean, literally. This dress I purchased from Target is smaller than I thought. After eating two Dunkin Donuts, that is. I do declare, what’s a girl to wear to look fashionable these days. I could install a third line to call myself at 1-800-Too-Fine-To-Fit but I’m real okay with that. You feel me? And so, I shall leave you with that sexy image of me in your head because enough has been said, alright?

 

So Utterly Delicious,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

Less Talk, More Music and Art

I’m trying to stay warm this fine spring of 2014. It’s cold down here, folks. Though, I won’t spend  so much time yacking. Beatrice did enough of that all for us both yesterday.

Well, just so you know, the artwork in the video is very different from what you’ve ever seen me do. I was quite fascinated with art created by Australian Aboriginals. Instead of using paint, I opted for oil pastel. I do like the effect of the paint much better but I’m okay with what I produced. This process actually became rather addictive and I’m not an addict by any means. Or so I thought.

Anyhow, less talk. More music and art.

 

Wherefore Art the Romeos?

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Don’t laugh, people. But you do realize I’m on my way to being the next Hollywood It girl. Joining the circus was and has never been a part of the game plan. People, I’m currently on the road with Barnum and Bailey. AND. I’M. NOT. FEELING. THIS. If the air keeps blowing the scent of elephant dung in my direction, I swear on my Louis Vuitton handbag, I’m going to strangle myself. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows the trouble I’ve seen. This is what happens when you acquisition an agent from Craig’s List, okay? People, I was stuck like Chuck walking across that tightrope. Neither Denzel nor Patrick Dempsey were there to catch me if I fell. Where, oh where, is a strong, fine man to wrap his arms around you when you need one?

I think Katy Perry asks herself that question a lot. Now, why she pulled John Mayer  and that ex of hers from the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, I haven’t figured out, other than the fact that she’s not man-smart. Katy, if you’d close your eyes just a tad, because you always look really surprised to me, I think you’d pick better. Stop going for men you have to fix, honey. I know you’ve got religion you grew up with but you’re beating dead horses, sweetie and you don’t want murder charges on your record. Let them GO. Matter of fact, give yourself time to air out. Don’t be like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s call her J. Lay because you can always count on something to be up and….Let’s leave it at that. Forgive me, I’m a Christian woman, people. The line is oh so delicately thin in this line of work.

And poor Jennifer. Aniston, that is. First, we hear it’s off and now, the wedding’s back on. Let us all bow our heads in prayer for Jennifer replacing Brad this June with a new hubby. It’s been a rough and rocky road for you, girlfriend. The struggle is so real, isn’t it? Ahem, cough…Let the bloggers say Amen, Amen and Aaaaaaamen. That ought to seal the deal for you, girlfriend. That’s how we do it down south, okay?

Well, to all you manless women, stay strong. Raise your fist but I tell you this, you’d better have a clean shave under there, alright? Life is short and made even shorter when you settle for anything. And that’s my belated womanly advice for you to conclude this celebration of Women’s History Month. And so, verily verily I say unto you people, The Bea is oh, so fabulous, even in a size plus, okay? Snap, snap baby. I’m out.

Divalisciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

On Being Grateful

Watercolor on paper

Watercolor on paper

You won’t believe how ecstatically ecstatic I am. No, I didn’t get picked up by a literary agent…Uh uh. Neither have I won the lottery or the showcase on The Price is Right…Okay, nevermind guessing…I’m off for the next week and a half. I’m gonna kick my heels up, throw my shoes out the window and I hope I don’t hit anybody in the process.

I know you wish you were me right now. Or maybe not. I’m just glad to be me right now. I couldn’t say that 100% an hour ago but I’m cool now. I hear the fish tank running, the clock ticking, and birds chirping outside my window. It gets no better than that, folks. Well, it does, a whole lot better in fact, but I’m gonna be grateful for what I got going now, okay?

Like, I could be stuck on the side of the highway with a flat tire while 18-wheelers have my ride trembling as they whiz past. Or I could be lost in the woods. Why I would be in the woods, I don’t know but it happens to folks, okay? Or, I could be choking like crazy from scarfing down that veggie pizza I just ate but all I can say is all praises to a good slice of pizza that hit the right spot, you feel me?

Well folk, I ain’t gonna keep rubbing my off time in your face. If you gotta punch the clock come Monday morning, be glad for the hand you have to punch it with, okay?

 

 

FYI: Things You Might Wanna Know

"Lies You Telling!" Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Lies You Telling!” Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

I hope you enjoyed the trailer for Sincerely, Beatrice. We’re making small strides behind the scenes, despite everything. I wish there were two of me. Well, to be more precise, a better me. I won’t go into that now. My eye itches. And that’s how I’m gonna  take my exit on that.

Now that we’ve gotten Women’s History Month behind us, I need to bring to your attention that April is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Month. Did you know there was a whole month recognizing this unfortunate circumstance? I’m not poking fun or nothing but I do find it kinda awkward. I mean, I’d really prefer to remain anonymous if that was an issue. Is there a support group where folk sit in a circle and talk about it or something? I’m real curious.

It’s also Emotional Overeating Awareness Month. Now, that one, I got my pom poms in the closet for. I partake in this activity on occasion and I’ll be honest, that’s some darn good eating at the time but it’ll sho’ nuff kick your butt later. But let’s not talk about IBS and overeating all in the same breath. That’s even more awkward, don’t you think? Moving on…

April is also Frog Month, okay? I don’t know how special that is to you but hey, why leave the frogs out. And last but most certainly never the least, it’s National Sexually Transmitted Diseases Month.

I’m just the messenger, folks.

Sincerely, Beatrice: The Trailer

I’m currently trying to catch up with myself. It’s a busy time, like any other time really, and I’ve been down with a cold. I’m trying to get into the swing of things and while in bed, I was able to put together Beatrice’s trailer for the summer comics series, which I’m very much behind on. My goal is to ultimately star Beatrice in her own literary work, so I get to toy around with ideas here. In the trailer, you’ll see some images are old and new, kinda like a flashback and flash forward type of movement with black and white sketches. If you’d like to know more about Beatrice, check out her posts here

Well, my energy’s zapped after writing this, folks. In the meantime, I’ll attempt to upload the video on the sidebar so you can put it on your calendar to tune in on time. I know you’ve been waiting your whole life for something like this. And oh, close the door tight on your way out.

 

 

 

Catwalking with First Ladies

catwalking bea

You didn’t think I’d let Women’s History Month slip past without a word, did you? Leave it to moi, the queen bee, to keep you relevant and in style with women of class. Numero uno is me, baby. That’s right. I’m the style icon at the local Cheesecake Factory in the ATL and Totsy’s subdivision. Yes people, you must claim your fame wherever you can until you can do better, alright? I can walk with my head up without a tummy tuck because I am beautifully luscious as I am. Snap, snap, spin. Catch me before I fall, people. I’m dizzy now.

I know that you know Michelle Obama’s the most stylish First Lady since Jackie O. The other first ladies did what they could and we got through it. I have to say Nancy Reagan was fashionable too. Snap, snap Nance. You did that. And while we’re talking first ladies, I have to say Olivia Pope, you’re one chick who can wear a white coat and work a business like nobody’s business, okay? Yes, I get that you’re a TV character but I have to take my sunglasses off and give a shout out because I’m all about that life. You feel what I’m saying?

And too, while we’re talking Olivia, I do want you and Fitz to stop it with all this “I can’t breathe without you” talk. Of course, you can. You slept with Jake, who’s living in your apartment and taking off his shirt in front of you. I say, keep going for it girlfriend. I will if you won’t, okay? He’s single and you need to mingle to get that tingle with someone you’re evenly yoked with, as in available.

Oh my, time flies and I’ve veered off course on my subject matter here. Oh, well. Enjoy the catwalk with these lovely first ladies and I’ll catch you backstage before my Vegas show. You didn’t get a backstage pass? Call my manager. His office is at Starbucks where he’s trying to hook up with that free wifi, okay?

Fashionably Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Jackie Kennedy. Google Image

Jackie Kennedy. Google Image

Nancy Reagan. Google Image.

Nancy Reagan. Google Image.

Michelle Obama. Google Image.

Michelle Obama. Google Image.

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It’s Okay If You Call Me Bossy

"Yack" Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae (www.toshfomby.com)

“Yack” Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae 

I’m disappointed. A little confused even. I’m trying to figure out what’s so wrong with calling women bossy. I mean, some are. It’s not the worse thing a woman can be called. How can you ban a word and why would you want to?

You know what, women folk? Sucking meat from teeth. Y’all are really starting to get on my nerves. You whine too much. You’re way too sensitive and you always want something. Look, you wanted equal rights, so now you get a little of what men folk been getting. Don’t get out here in the work world acting all tough and soon as somebody call you a name, you go to flinching like some damsel in distress. I mean, this whole banning thing sounds either premenstrual or menopausal. Take your pick according to which stage of life you’re in.

Flicking lighter to fire up cigarette. It’s always something with you women folk. You want contraception, the morning after pill, men to help with domestic stuff, a woman president (which I’m fully and whole-heartedly against, by the way), planned parenthood and yaddah freakin’ yaddah. You just don’t get a word removed from folk vocabulary. I like the word bossy. All it means to me is a person who gets things done. I mean, if you women folk are against the word and all and you’re proponents for equal rights, get it banned for men too. Better yet, get prick banned and all those other derogatory terms that mean so much worse than bossy. What about slut? Those kinda folk work at the office too, you know. 

And what happens if the word’s banned and somebody says it anyway? Will it come down to something like a sexual harassment suit? I can’t imagine being cross-examined or being involved in such a case. But you know the root issue, right? This wouldn’t be a conversation today if women folk had just stayed barefoot and pregnant and somebody wasn’t trying to sell a book. Scratching unshaven underarm.

In Celebration of the Dysfunctional Woman

Eunice

Everyone likes to be celebrated and women folk, March is your month. Or rather, ours. You, I mean, we asked for it, so we’re sure gonna get it. And fair is fair, okay? If you celebrate one woman, you have to celebrate them all. No matter how wretched some are, we must embrace the most brazen and undesirable of women folk to strengthen our sisterhood. Ahem. Cough, cough…

Now, if I may ask you a question. Who portrayed a woman so damaged, yet funny, that we laughed and thought about the lot in our own families? That’s right, Carol Burnett. Eunice was a sad wreck of a woman, with so very little going for herself but if you were like me, you just loved the night the show aired the little family that couldn’t and never would. Mama, played by Vicki Lawrence, ensured that misery remained intact and did a real fine job of it. Poor Ed, the character played by Harvey Korman, was just an unlucky fella who joined misery’s company and there was no escaping the shrieking sound of Eunice. For some reason, I always thought he could’ve been a man of potential had it not been for her…Hmmm, maybe not.

The Path to Being a Vibrant, Healthy Woman

"Beach Hat: Violet" Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Beach Hat: Violet” Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Over the past coupla weeks or so, I’ve heard some very disturbing news about women. Not me but you. I mean, I’m a woman and all but since I don’t fall in this category, I feel duty-bound to help you out. I hope you don’t mind. I’d want somebody to reach out to me if…Let’s get right to it to get you the help you need.

Women, so studies say, are taking more sleeping pills than anybody. Over 60%. I’m prepared to offer you an alternative, okay? If you’re on the high-strung end, and you know who you are, try jogging around the block in your neighborhood before bedtime. If there are loose dogs in the area and you’re not, per se, a dog-type person like myself, that should make you run even faster.

You may have to utilize some untapped skills or what you learned from childhood, like climbing a tree or do what they do in horror movies. For example, haul it home fast as you can but before you get there, fall, lose a shoe and say, “I can’t go on.” I will advise that it’s best you go on ’cause you’ll be alone and won’t nobody give a damn more than you, okay?

If you find that you can, make it to the door, try sticking the key in, drop it, not once but several times ’til the dog gets closer and closer. You may wanna try this as a mental exercise rather than actually doing it. I don’t know about you but just thinking about being in that situation has exhausted me. Should you decide to go on a trial run to see if this activity will wind you down in the evenings, keep in mind that those rottweilers don’t play and you don’t wanna get yourself chewed up or anything of that nature.

I also understand women folk are depressed more than men. ‘Cause of our body make-up, women internalize. We just take in so much and even create unreal imaginings that men have no idea about. They’re just so aloof, aren’t they?

Men folk, on the other hand, externalize. Therefore, we’ve got feelings they can’t begin to comprehend. Oh, they put on a good show like they’re sensitive and all but they really aren’t. They’re only appeasing you ’cause new agers are telling them all will be right with the universe if they do. Don’t believe the hype, folks but neither should you put too much focus on this part of the post ’cause I don’t want you losing more sleep than you already have or start giving the significant other the side eye.

This has been a public service announcement for women’s health on behalf of Women’s History Month. Keeping it real and light for the better good of human sanity.